M

The troll has often chided me that no one reads my blog or cares about what I'm saying; she'd use the fact that there are not many comments being posted here as "proof." I've always responded that people are sending most of their comments to me personally. Of course, I could never prove that because most of the people commenting did so privately specifically because they did not want their comments made public.

However, one of my commenters, probably one of the most intriguing of them all, said the following in one of her recent E-mails:

I'd prefer you not to make the comment [itself] public, but you can feel free to say that I've written you and agreed with every one of your points, citing examples in my own relationship with Riin.

The above was written by someone I've mentioned previously: M. Riin's former friend of 27 years. She's been reading my blog since the whole mess started and has actually contacted me on several occasions. What's interesting however is that I did not seek her out; she came to me.

The first time she contacted me, it was a total shock. As I've said previously, I've had very little contact with any of Riin's friends, and M was no exception. It would never have occurred to me to contact her, and it certainly never would have occurred to me that she would contact me. However, I've discovered of late that she and I are birds of a feather in some very profound ways, particularly where Riin is concerned.

My most recent post, "The Pedomorphic Pharisee," struck a particularly resonant chord with M; it was that posting that prompted her to allow me to reveal that she's been contacting me. In a nutshell, she told me that the issues brought up in "The Pedomorphic Pharisee" are exactly the reasons why she didn't try harder to mend fences with Riin when their relationship went sour.

The difference between M and I, of course, is that M recognized right away what it took me a year to finally figure out. She didn't even try to mend her broken relationship with Riin because she recognized immediately that it was a lost cause. She knew that, in order to fix it, Riin would have to admit she'd been in the wrong in some things; Riin can never, ever admit she's wrong about anything. That made any reconciliation impossible.

That, in fact, is what has destroyed all of Riin's relationships. I'm not saying that we (those who love her) didn't make mistakes. We did; all of us. That, however, is the difference between her and us. We can admit we made mistakes; Riin cannot. Relationships can always be fixed (even this mess between Riin and I, theoretically), but fixing a relationship means a willingness to admit fault on both sides. That's where the paradigm falls apart; Riin cannot admit fault.

M is not the only person to show me support in this; not by a long shot. I have noticed, however, an interesting pattern. Those who support me, by and large, E-mail me privately with their comments and tell me who they are; the troll, by way of contrast, makes a public display and refuses to identify herself. I think that speaks volumes about the level of the troll's maturity and how much stock I should put in what she has to say.

The most interesting thing to me, though, is that one of my greatest supporters is someone who used to be one of Riin's greatest supporters, and for far longer I've known her.

Self recrimination is all too easy when a relationship falls apart; one always wonders, "What did I do wrong?" However, if Riin has managed to destroy every important relationship she's ever had, including one it took 27 years to build, maybe the fault isn't with me after all.

It's sad. Even M agrees when I say there is a beautiful person inside of Riin, but the beauty is buried under a blanket of bitterness. As a blanket of snow will, if never melted, eventually become a glacier, so too has her bitterness become a sheet of ice, thick and unyielding, impenetrable, burying the beautiful forest, home to the nymph underneath.

Love provides warmth, but not enough to reach her. Melting that ice is going to take love from both sides, ours and hers. Myself, M, Pete, her mom, her dad, we all still love her, the nymph under the ice, but we cannot reach her if she cannot love us back.

The ice nymph, trapped by her inability to love.

The Pedomorphic Pharisee

I don't really spend a whole lot of my time on-line. Still, there are several places I like to visit from time to time, like Car Free, Casey & Andy, Cheshire Crossing, The Yarn Harlot (I don't usually read knitting blogs, but I love this woman's sense of humor :)), We Move to Canada, and Peter Alway's Journal. The ironic thing about these particular places, however, is I probably wouldn't even know they existed if not for Riin; they're all places she introduced me to.

Of course, Riin still frequents some of these herself, so it's inevitable I'll occasionally stumble across traces of her. I most often encounter her comments on The Yarn Harlot. I only check in there once every month or two but, when I do, there's always something new from her there.

I hadn't checked in with The Yarn Harlot for a few months so, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to see if she'd written anything interesting. She didn't disappoint; I saw a posting from January 2 titled, "At least it's predictable." It's an excellent example of why I love to read her blog. The fight for computer supremacy. Yup, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, collected the Beanie Baby; Lisa and I have had our share of conflicts over computer resources. :)

I was chuckling away, thoroughly entertained, until I stumbled across this in the comments:

You know, after being married for 14 years to a guy who couldn't remember where we kept anything ("where do we keep the...?" "Uh, same place we've kept it for the last 14 years!" Geez, grow a brain) and then getting involved with a guy I later came to call Stalker Boy, I've pretty much decided I just don't need men. I am far better off alone. Maybe I've had incredibly bad judgment or really, really bad luck, or maybe men just suck, but I'm not taking any more chances.

Posted by: Riin at January 2, 2008 3:31 PM

It wasn't the "Stalker Boy" comment that caught my attention; this wasn't the first (and probably won't be the last) time she's called me that. What caught my attention was what she said about her ex-husband:

"Geez, grow a brain."

Riin's ex-husband's blog is one of the aforementioned places I like to visit. I don't know much about Peter Alway beyond what Riin has told me and what I've read on his blog. This, however, I can tell you unequivocally: he did not deserve that.

Until I read that comment, I thought Riin reserved public, unmerited, juvenile barbs exclusively for me. This is the first time I've ever seen Riin launch an unwarranted, public attack against anyone besides me, and it really made me think.

Riin used to call Pete down a lot. I can't go into most of it because most of it would be too personal to him, but I will say she's said much worse than "Grow a brain." I frequently tried to defend him in the beginning; I even tried to talk her out of her decision to divorce him. However, Riin has an odd way of slowly altering your perceptions until, before you even realize it, you find yourself on her side without even knowing how you got there...

It wasn't until I saw her attack Pete publicly that her true nature finally became apparent to me. Pete's not one to toot his own horn, particularly in public, and I can only tell you what I saw of him filtered through Riin. Still, in retrospect, it seems to me that man tried damned hard to please her.

When Ken Kifer died, he was there for her every day. Not sure how to help, he did the only thing he knew how and wrote her music and poems to try to soothe her. He even supported her friendship with me, even when he knew how she really felt about me, and probably knew somewhere deep down that it would eventually spell the end of his relationship with her. He did that for her because he loved her and wanted her to be happy.

He gave her 14 years of his life and his love. How does she repay him? By publicly implying he's stupid.

That's when it hit me.

On her blog, Riin claims to "practice compassion toward all living things." Naively, I took that at face value. I assumed that the practiced compassion towards everyone else and reserved her rancor only for me because she felt threatened by me (legitimately or not). Now I see that her acrimony sprang, not from her perception of me, but from the same wellspring from which her infamous "rants" sprang: her pharisaical, pedomorphic peevishness.

In light of that realization, I looked back on her attitudes over the two and a half years I knew her. I came to the most startling realization:

Riin is a bigot.

In society today, the word "bigot" has come to be synonymous with people who are prejudiced against skin color or religious belief, and that's the first thing that people think of when they see or hear the word. However, the word's meaning is much broader: "a prejudiced person who is intolerant of any opinions differing from his [or her] own." That definition describes Riin impeccably.

Riin may not discriminate on the basis of race, but she does discriminate. Off the top of my head, I can think of many groups she discriminates against: Christians, motorists, people who eat meat, people who live in big houses, people who smoke, people who drink, people who shop at Wal-Mart, people who drive SUVs. She won't say it to your face but, if you don't choose her way of doing things, she automatically thinks there's something wrong with you as a person.

"Well, she has the right to her opinion," some might say. Absolutely. The problem isn't her opinion; it's her attitude. I know from talking to her more intimately than 99% of the people who will read this that she will frequently dismiss an entire person on the basis of just one thing about them she doesn't agree with. That is the earmark of the bigot: total lack of tolerance for views that do not tally with one's own.

If Riin is a bigot, then she is also a hypocrite as well. "Practice compassion towards all living things," she says. If she truly believed that, she wouldn't be so wantonly callous towards those with whom she disagrees. Her blog should say: "Practice compassion towards all living things that I feel are worthy of compassion." Anyone she deems "not worthy" are subject, not to compassion, but to vainglorious, venomous vituperation.

Pete, should you ever read this, I want to say this in public and for the record: I apologize to you for not trying harder to defend you. I should have fought Riin harder about her decision to leave you, and I didn't; I let her dominate me instead. I've always admired you and, in the beginning before Riin soured on you, I was looking forward as much to getting to know you as getting to know her. I regret that the awkward circumstances prevented that. :(

My only consolation is that what happened between you and Riin was inevitable. If he hadn't died, she would have left you for Ken Kifer. If it hadn't been me, it would've been someone else in time. Still, inevitable or not, like Shawn Michaels when he fought the match that ended Ric Flair's career, I now have to carry the burden of knowing that I was the one who was the catalyst. Knowing it's for the best (you're lucky to be free of her) does little to assuage my guilt.

If anyone needs to grow a brain (and, for that matter, a heart), it's Riin, not you. Thanks for trying, even if only in those brief few months in the beginning, to be a friend.

So. This leaves me with one very serious question:

Do I still love Riin?

I don't like to let love die. I try to fight to keep it alive. There is a deeply romantic part of me that wants to believe in the ultimate power of love and how it can survive anything. I do believe, if both people truly love each other, love can be an unassailable power. The problem is, in light of what I've discovered about Riin, I'm now not certain if she ever truly loved me. I am, in fact, not certain if she's ever loved anyone; I'm not sure she knows how.

That being said, I can no longer deny the truth of my feelings inside. Do I still love Riin?

No.

That's the simple answer, but it's more complex than that.

There are actually two Riins:

1. The Pedomorphic Pharisee: This is who Riin truly is. Bitter, vindictive, angry at the world, unremittingly narcissistic, concerned only with her own ideas, beliefs, perceptions and points of view.
2. The Perspicacious Paragon: This is who Riin aspires to be and who she wants people to think she is. This is the woman I fell in love with. This is the woman who truly believes in "Practic[ing] compassion towards all living things."
   

I am still in love with #2; the problem is that #2 doesn't exist, at least not as a living, breathing woman.

The sad thing is, Riin is capable of being the Paragon. In order to do that, however, she would have to recognize and acknowledge her own faults and at least try to make amends to the spirits she's crushed over the years; only the noxious narcissism of the Pharisee prevents her from doing this. The Pharisee can't see past her own world enough to know how much Peter, M and her parents loved her, and how much she hurt them.

I do still love the woman Riin wants to be; I probably always will.

I just can't help but feel sorry for the beautiful fay trapped under the skin of the fiend.

I hope, some day, she finds a way to break free.

Unresolved Anger

An Article by Ramesh Gupta

It is a good exercise to try to not react with anger to the reaction of others. It is good to know that our anger is produced in our mind as a reaction to the immature responses of others who unknowingly, keep insulting and disrespecting us because they have not matured enough in their lives. They are like 3 years old immature children who do not have tolerance of stress and they do what they desire and they say what ever comes to their minds.

This was the way our illness started in our mind because the others did not care for our feelings when we were exposed to a loss of self-esteem. We were neglected or angered by the anger of our immature parents or stressed or sick parents who could not continue to love us for a little longer time so that we will completely mature in our nurturing.

Emotional illnesses are illnesses of anger reaction to our surroundings or the people who surround us in our lives. They keep producing anger in us until we ourselves mature to a complete maturity. The love we need for our own completion of maturity and resolving our emotional illness, we should do that by our compassion for immature adults around us who behave like children and keep insulting us by their immature actions.

Generally in our life two immature people have anger issues and a person who is more matured should act a little more grown up and forgive the other for their anger.

The God and spirituality can helps in our life to complete our maturity, as can do good thoughts and a good conduct in our lives.

In summery, if some one ruffles your feathers treat him or her as 3 years old who lack completion of his or her maturity and spare yourself for raising your own anger.

Whenever we anger, we should know that we need maturity our selves, unless our anger has a meaning in the lives of others.

Some times the people in our lives know many different but wrong, ways to get our attention, just like a 3 years old child. For a child we do not get so upset as we do for an adult. It is a child who transfers his or her anger by saying, "I hate you," and we just smile and do not take it seriously. We should try to understand this. You will be surprised how many words can make us angry in our lives.

Anger reaction is a reflex action, but we do have a little time to stop it by keeping all this in our mind. More we stop the anger before it explodes, better it will get in time. A time will come when a modified reaction will take place without exercising the step to analyze the anger.

Many people do not grow up in their lives and remain childlike. We should learn to treat them as children and then we will not react with anger. Please practice this.

No One Can Restore Our Mind If We Keep Ditching It With Our Thoughts and Conduct

An Article by Ramesh Gupta

Drugs, psychiatrists, psychotherapy and antidepressants cannot restore a personality if we keep ditching because of our faulty thoughts and actions.

In our lives we spread our self-esteem by lowering our character and make the vultures of our culture take advantage of our falling nature and leave us bankrupt of our positive energy, which maintains our mental health.

When we react with anger by judging others, we lower our own self-esteem because we usually anger only when we are not in command of our surroundings.

We should learn to express our opinion rather than a judgmental angry statement.

This coupled with a good thoughts and conduct spares us from emotional illnesses. Good thoughts and conduct makes us very strong from our own devaluation and devaluation of others, which causes us our emotional pains.

Staying open and fluid rather than judgmental maintains our self-esteem and our emotional well-being.

This prevents anger and other anger producing thoughts that cause our depressions, which steer us in to the ditches of our journey of life.

To day we know that there is only one emotional illness that needs a mood stabilizer for life and that is a bipolar illness. It may also change in time.

Staying open and fluid is the thought of the day that has been come to us from many people and we are forwarding to you with our comments of self-esteem.

Sheldon Brown

When I first got back into cycling in 2003, the first thing I did was start digging around on the Internet for pages and discussion groups on the subject (which is what I usually do with anything new I take an interest in). Among all the pages I found, three stood out above the rest: Icebike, Ken Kifer, and Sheldon Brown. The latter two individuals have probably had more impact on me as a cyclist than any other people who've ever lived.

Ken Kifer, by a tragic twist of fate, brought me together with Riin Gill. Despite the painful turn my relationship with her took, my time with her is still among my most precious memories. I'll always be grateful for the happiness he gave Riin during the all too short time they knew each other, and for the happiness she and I shared, however briefly, after his untimely passing. I wish I could have known him.

Sheldon Brown taught me most of what I know about gearing, braking technique and equipment though his humorous, down-to-earth style; I spent as much time on his pages as I spent on Ken Kifer's.

Sheldon Brown died this past Sunday of a massive heart attack; he was 63.

You know, I never actually contacted Sheldon. I always meant to; his pages were a truly invaluable reference to me. In fact his pages, in many ways, made possible the cyclist I am today. His explanations of gearing and gear ratios, technical enough to be thorough yet accessible enough for the math challenged (like myself) to follow, allowed me to make intelligent decisions about how to customize my 2004 Norco Screamer's gearing.

To this day, I rely on Sheldon's gear calculator when deciding what drivetrain components to choose when customizing a bike. I have a 2006 Norco VFR-3 now and I know from the feel of it that it doesn't have a low enough gear to pull Lisa's trailer up hills. However, the gear range on my previous bike, a 2004 Norco CRD-3, was perfect for that. Thanks to Sheldon, I have the tools and knowledge I need to find components that'll give the VFR-3 a comparable range.

I didn't even know the man, yet I can't help feel like I've lost a friend somehow.

I wish I'd taken the time to tell him, even if only in a brief note, how much his on-line references taught me. I guess, like many things in life, we don't take the time to appreciate what we have... until it's gone.

I don't know if there is a life beyond this one or, if there is, if those who have passed on can hear the living left behind; no one really knows. However, I prefer to believe that they can. With that in mind, I'd like to say:

Thank you, Sheldon. Thank you for everything you gave to me, and countless cyclists like me.

You'll be missed.

The Spiral Staircase

I just had the weirdest dream.

Since Lisa and I separated, I've been taking it easy for the first time in years. I've had difficulty sleeping for a long time and I thought I'd take the opportunity while she's away to catch up on it; so, I've been spending a fair amount of time in bed. Because I've been unable to sleep well, it's also been a while since I've had vivid dreams; lately, I've been having quite a few. Strangely, a lot of them have been about working on botched home renovations with Mike Holmes.

I think I've been having a lot of dreams about working with Mike because, watching Holmes on Homes and reading his book Make It Right (Lisa got me that for Christmas :)), I've learned a lot, not only about building, but about why today's homes are often not nearly as well built as homes built when I was little. Even before I knew what I know now, I noticed that modern homes just aren't as solid as older homes. I've always wondered why; now I know.

Anyway, that's how this dream started out; I was working on a site with Mike. It was this huge room with a concrete floor and a high ceiling, at least 12'. The ceiling was unfinished even when we first came in and the finishing that was there was pretty slipshod. I remember noting that the seams in the drywall were uneven and weren't taped. Mike and his crew were busily tearing down the drywall and Mike was complaining about how flimsy the structure was.

At one point, Mike calls me over to a wall he’s been pulling the drywall down from. The studs seem to have a layer of plywood on the cold (exterior) side and there's no vapor barrier. Mike is upset because, in addition to all that, there’s this huge gap in the wall around what looks like what used to be a door with a window above; there’s a huge draft coming in. He calls me over to check it out; I can feel the cold draft coming down. "That's not even insulated," I comment.

"I know," Mike replies. "That's why I wanted you to see this." He walks off, grumbling.

I turn to follow him. I wanted to ask him why he thinks someone would put up an exterior wall like that with no insulation whatsoever. As I'm walking, I catch movement out of the corner of my eye. I turn back and the entire section of wall we were just working on is falling in right towards me. I put up my hands to shield myself and hopefully catch the wall before it beans me. I brace myself.

I barely even feel it when it hits. It turns out to be made, not of plywood as we first thought, but of thin, low-grade paneling, not even 1/8" thick. The whole thing is as light as a feather, and even flexes a bit when I catch it. Mike asks if I'm OK. "I'm fine," I say. "This wall's all paneling." So I set it down and Mike and I both turn to look at the hole left in the wall.

It wasn't an exterior wall at all, as we had thought. Through the hole was another, long room, maybe 24' across and 8' deep. We could see some kind of concrete pillar in the center, and the walls were made of concrete. We went in to investigate. On closer inspection, however, we realized the room wasn’t made of concrete at all; the gray substance was a thick layer of dust. What we thought was a concrete pillar was actually some kind of wooden spiral staircase.

I slowly started up the stairs; Mike followed me. I commented that it looked like the room had been sealed for like 70 years, like something right out of The Changeling. I didn’t know what to expect to find, but I had a weird feeling we were going to find a body up there. However, when we got to the top of the stairs, suddenly there was absolutely no dust. Everything was completely clean. It was like a complete little apartment.

As soon as I saw the clean apartment, my first thought was there must be some other entrance to this place than the stairway. I started to look around for one; Mike waited at the top of the stairs, looking around from his vantage point.

The stairs opened onto some kind of little living room. The structure of the room was unusual. The spiral railing of the staircase dominated the center of the room and the doors formed a circle around the staircase so you could look into them all right there from the top of the stairs The rooms and hallways beyond were conventionally shaped, but this room was round. The walls actually curved with doors to each room all around you.

There was a small TV, 1960s/70s style (looked a bit like this one but smaller, maybe 12"), turned on to some news program on a little stand against the wall at the top of the stairs. One door opened onto a tiny hall behind me. The first room on the left in that hall was a door opening onto a bedroom. There were children’s toys scattered about the room. I looked down the hall. Doors opened onto a couple of other rooms but there was no other entrance there.

So I turned right. More rooms. I couldn’t see into all of them well, but they all had light coming in as if from windows and the size of the rooms and the light suggested that they couldn’t have doors going anywhere, either. Even if they did, this stairway we’d just came up was wide open with this hard to miss spiral railing in the middle of the living room. Why didn’t whoever lives up here use them?

Then I looked into a bedroom just around the corner from the stairway. There was a man laying on the bed, maybe in his 40s or early 50s, balding. Something about the look on his face as he slept made him look child-like. I had the impression he was mentally handicapped. He was sound asleep so I thought, well this is apparently his place; I don’t want to disturb him. So, quietly, I tiptoed back down the stairs, Mike ahead of me.

When we got to the bottom, we both looked up the stairs. Like the apartment, they were suddenly clean. More than clean, they were beautiful, dark brown, stained, polished wood.

I started to turn to Mike to ask him if he was seeing what I was seeing when, as we watched, the dust slowly started to re-appear. Over about 10 seconds, we watched in amazement as the room around us went from clean and new to covered in dust, just as we found it except, in the dust on the stairs, Mike and I could see our footprints on the stairs and hand prints on the banister where we rubbed off the dust on our way up...

The last thing I remember is looking up the dusty stairs again, wondering if what we just saw was an image from the past, before the room was sealed. I started to think there might really be someone’s body up there, perhaps of the man we saw, but before I could suggest going back up there again to take a look, I woke up.

Strangely, I wasn't really scared when I woke up; I was more curious. I kept wondering what it all meant. Who was the man we found? Why was his room sealed up? The flimsy wall suggested it wasn't a contractor that put that wall up; it had the feel of something slapped together by the homeowner to hide... what? I wished the dream could have continued so Mike and I could've investigated the situation further.

Suddenly, I sat bolt upright in my bed, then ran out here, fired up the computer, launched AppleWorks and immediately pounded this dream into the keys while the memory was still fresh. That's one nice thing about Lisa not being here; in situations like this, I sometimes have to kick her off the computer quickly to get memories of a dream down before I lose them (I can't hand write them; my handwriting is often illegible even to me *BLUSH*).

Anyway, I'd really like to get some comments from people on this. What do you think it means? It was quite vivid; I figure it must mean something; dreams often do.

20/20 Hindsight

I did something recently I should have done a very long time ago: I've taken the first steps towards ending my relationship with Lisa.

Her parents have known for a long time that we're in trouble and they've offered, in the past, to help me if I ever needed it. With that in mind, I decided to write them a letter telling them all about how abusive Lisa has been these past 11 years. They got the letter five days ago so, now, there's no turning back. My relationship with Lisa, as it was, officially ended the moment they read it.

I'm not going to publish the entire letter here. There are some parts which it would serve no useful purpose to publish. However, abusive behavior flourishes in secrecy so I would like to publish the parts about the abuse (which is, for the most part, what prompted this):

January 1, 2008


Dear ***** & ***,

I need help, and I have no idea where to begin.

You yourselves have noticed the way Lisa often behaves towards me, and have even chastised her for it from time to time. Unfortunately, what you observe is only the tip of the iceberg; she gets a lot nastier with me here at home than she ever would in front of you. It’s come to the point now where I realize I simply cannot live with this and, after 11 years of trying, it doesn’t look to me like there’s any hope of reconciling.

It’s not that Lisa hasn’t improved somewhat. She’s more honest with me than she used to be. She doesn’t tend to lie outright like she used to in the beginning, though promises still mean nothing to her. Also . . . she’s a lot more willing to do chores around the apartment than she used to be.

The problem is, though, these are small improvements in the grand scheme, particularly considering that these are pretty much the only significant improvements in her since we started going together over a decade ago. Unfortunately, one thing that has not improved at all is the way Lisa treats the people she “loves.” She admits herself that, when upset, she will do whatever she can to hurt someone as much as she can.

Whenever you brought up the idea of us getting a house, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I tend to evade the idea; now you know why. It’s not that I don’t appreciate your help; it’s simply that getting a house is a major step that, I’m sure you’ll agree, should only be taken by a couple who are absolutely committed to staying together. Therein lies the problem; I’m not confident that Lisa and I will be together.

When we first got together, I was inexperienced. Lisa was my first real relationship. I recognized that she did things sometimes that made me feel like crap, but I didn’t fully appreciate how abusive some of her behavior was. I lacked the experience to recognize the “red flags.” I didn't really begin to understand just how abusive Lisa was until we moved in together.

Now that we've been together for 11 years, I don't think I could sum up everything that's happened in one letter so, instead of trying to do that, I'm going to tell you about the most recent incident . . . After that, I’ll talk about some other things Lisa has done on more than one occasion other nights.

She and I were planning on going to [a] Christmas party, which we do every year. She wasn't enthusiastic about it this year, but I bought the tickets anyway because, frequently, she'll say she doesn't really want to go somewhere then, when we don't go, she gets upset. So, instead, I just told her, if she doesn't want to go, to tell me before the weekend of the event so I can return the tickets.

On the night of the event, literally less than an hour before it started, then she says she doesn't want to go. This is not the first time she's done this. In fact, this is something she seems to do almost every time we go somewhere. The thing is, no matter how I try to handle it, it makes it worse. If I say “OK, we won't go,” she complains I don't take her anywhere. If I try to push her into going, she just keeps screaming “I don't want to go!”

We did ultimately go (though we arrived late), but I was so upset I couldn't enjoy myself at first. It wasn't until I finally got some support from some of my friends, who could see there was something wrong, that I came out of it enough to enjoy myself somewhat, though I spent most of the night wishing I could just go home; of course, I also dreaded going home because “home” means being stuck all alone with an abusive Lisa.

By the end of the party, we felt a little better. I was still shaken up and knew I had to do something about this problem eventually but, for the time being, we were stable. On the way home, I was hungry and was thinking about going to get something to eat, though I wasn't sure; I really just wanted to go straight home.

I was still trying to decide when I had to push Lisa's wheelchair off the sidewalk and onto the road (it was late and there was no traffic) to avoid a huge puddle. She asked me why I did that. I said “I'm sick of my feet being wet.” So she called me a wimp. At that point, I decided I did not want to go anywhere to eat with this woman and, when we got to the intersection, turned away from the restaurants and towards home.

At this point, Lisa said I had promised to take her to eat (I hadn't) and that I was “starving her” and that she was going to call you and tell you I was starving her. She kept at me, name calling and threatening me all the way home until we got to the building. To get through the door, I need her help; all she has to do is hold the door briefly at one point in the process. Well, she just sat there and wouldn't hold the door.

When I realized she wasn't going to help, I backed her away from the door and only then did she reach out and try to grab it. When I confronted her about it, she tried to claim she intended to hold the door from the beginning; it took two minutes of arguing before she finally admitted that she was, to use her own words, “trying to make trouble.” I asked her why; she was unwilling, or unable, to provide an answer.

Eventually, when we went inside, she kept after me the entire night, ordering me around like a servant. Actually, up to this point, everything I've described is stuff she's done before; this trying to order me around thing never happened before the night of the party, and it took me by surprise. I just said, “I'm not a servant.” Her response: “Yes, you are!” I had no idea how to respond to that.

In desperation for a way to get through to her, I changed her password on the computer so she couldn't access it (we each have our own separate account) whereupon she threatened to keep me up all night making noise. When I ignored that, she proceeded to threaten to throw the computer, our TV, our DVR and anything else she could get her hands on out the window.

Throughout all of this I just kept telling her, if she wants me to cooperate with her, all she has to do is treat me with respect and ask politely. The more I asked her to treat me with respect, the nastier she became. I finally decided I wanted to go visit a friend the next day to get away from her and clear my head. She denied me even that, turning off my alarm clock so I'd oversleep and miss the bus.

The above is actually a fairly mild example of Lisa’s behavior. She has, for example, punched me in the face more than once. I'm not a violent person, but one thing I cannot abide is being struck; it makes me angry beyond reason. I did strike back, though not as hard with an open hand on her arm. That's all I could bring myself to do and, even that, I regret. I don’t like being pushed to the edge like that (I suppose no one would).

I’ve since trained myself not to strike back but I’ve discovered, the hard way, that simply getting away from her is not wise, either. One time she punched me, I stood up and walked away; she turned and punched the screen of this computer. Ultimately, I had to go over and hold her arms until she calmed down to keep her from damaging anything; that’s the way I always have to deal with her now, when she turns violent.

The problem is, once Lisa gets upset, there is absolutely no reasoning with her, and there’s no action you can take that’ll make things better.

If I try to leave to let things cool off, she refuses to keep the door locked so I’ll be worried about her safety. If she’s yelling, even late at night when people are trying to sleep, she refuses to be quiet; if you try to tell her to be, she’ll literally scream back, “No, I won’t!” If I try to ignore her, she’ll threaten to break things or keep me awake all night (as in the above incident).

The only thing that occasionally works is to threaten to call you, and even then it only works if I physically pick up the phone and start dialing (I’m sure you guys still remember one time I did this; the phone dialed out, I didn’t realize it had, and you overheard the whole mess). Even when this works, Lisa has to get in the last word under her breath. “Asshole” is what she most frequently mutters.

She also has no respect for my personal space, both physically and emotionally. If I’m on the phone, for example, Lisa resents it if I go down to the bedroom to talk privately; if she overhears anything, she often comments which sometimes makes my friends uncomfortable, particularly if they’re talking about personal problems. She seems to take my close friendships, male and female alike, as a threat to our relationship.

Honestly, at this point, I just can’t conceive that things between Lisa and I are going to work out. It’s not that I don’t still love Lisa; I do. It’s just that I can’t live like this.

Still, breaking up with Lisa frightens me for a number of reasons.

First, I know that, if I leave her, some part of Lisa will be convinced I left her because of the wheelchair. I’ve had many intimate conversations with Lisa and she honestly believes that her chair is the reason for the collapse of all of her relationships in life. I don’t want her to feel that way. Her chair has nothing to do with this; it’s the way she treats me. I just feel like I deserve to be treated better.

Second, I know Lisa wasn’t very happy living out there . . . She didn’t like being so far away from town . . . Besides, from my observations, it seems that you and Lisa tend to rub each other the wrong way when you all live under the same roof for any length of time. I don’t want to see you and Lisa go back to that but, if I were to leave, I really don’t know where else Lisa would go.

Then, there’s the issue of where I would go. A little under a year ago, I’ll admit that I had a friendship that had definite romantic possibilities, and I had entertained the idea of leaving Lisa for this other woman. She’d even considered moving here (she was from Michigan). Unfortunately due, in part, to the turmoil between Lisa and I, that friendship collapsed completely; going with her is no longer an option.

For now, I could probably move in with my sister for a while. Trouble is, I have no idea what I’d do in the long term . . . there’s no way I could move in with Mom or [my uncle]. Mom is more abusive than Lisa, emotionally speaking; [my uncle] is too protective of his personal space to abide living with someone . . .

You’ve said before that my family doesn’t do much for me and, in some ways, you’re absolutely right. It’s not that they don’t love me; they do. It’s just that they have a tendency to get into ruts in their daily routines, and the idea of disrupting those ruts terrifies them. Having me move in with any of them would represent a dramatic change in their life routines, and that is why I can’t go to them.

I can’t go to my closest friends, either, because most of them don’t live here. One lives in Port Hastings; the other in Sackville. Even if I could move that far, the Port Hastings friend lives in too small a place to share. My Sackville friend has space, but he’s married; I couldn’t very well move in with him and his wife (I don’t get along that well with his wife anyway so, even if they were willing, I’m not sure I would be).

Even if I figure out where to go, living here with Lisa has been my life for over eight years. Leaving this now would turn my entire life upside down. I know I need to get out of this but still, as the old saying goes, it’s easier to deal with the devil you know rather than the devil you don’t know. My life may be miserable, but at least it’s secure and predictable. I’m in a deep rut. I’m afraid, if I try to steer out of it, I’ll fall.

Lisa doesn’t know about this letter. I’ve tried to send letters like this before; as soon as she found out about them, she would talk me out of them, or make my life so miserable that I’d be unable to compose them. I wrote this in parts while Lisa was in bed, then printed it in the morning as I was preparing to go to work. The file on the computer is also in my private documents folder which Lisa can’t access without my password.

I feel helpless. I don’t know what to do but one thing I do know is, whatever I do, I can’t do it alone; I need help. You two have been really good to me over the years. You, and your family, are the only ones I feel I can go to about this who might actually be able to help me.

The problem is, I feel kind of awkward asking for your help because I feel like I’m letting you down somehow. Like I should be stronger and stand by Lisa; but I don’t think I can. I don’t like the person I become when I’m with Lisa. I’ve tried for 11 years to make this work. I just don’t think I have any strength left to keep trying.

I’ve got to get out of this. Somehow.

They got the letter January 7th. While I was at work, they took Lisa out to their home under the pretext of working on her hair; the true reason they took her out there wasn't revealed to her until the next night. I've asked them to keep her out there for a couple of weeks while I straighten out my head.

Taking these steps is something I thought I would never do. However, I've learned a lot in this past year; the problem is, I didn't absorb the lessons until now. Anger, misguided loyalty and stubborn pride conspired to keep me from seeing the truth. It took the events of the Christmas party to blast through my obduracy and force me to face it. I imagine Riin faced a similar crossroads when she decided to leave me; now I understand.

Looking back on everything that's happened since Riin broke up with me in light of recent events, I've come to realize that, while I feel I have some legitimate frustrations with her, my anger was way out of proportion. I realize now that most of that anger wasn't at her; it was at Lisa. The problem was, I couldn't express my anger with Lisa because, even when I tried, she simply didn't understand it, or didn't care; so, I ended up taking it out on Riin.

I'm not angry with Riin; not anymore. It's weird but, when I stood there in front of the mailbox with that letter, I was thinking of her. The moment I dropped that letter into the box, I could feel my anger dissolve away, like clouds suddenly parting to admit the sun. Not that I felt good per se; I felt frightened and sad over what I was doing but still, for the first time in almost a year, I felt totally without anger. That was a nice feeling.

Although people are responsible for their own actions, it's true that the people you choose to have in your life do influence you. I've never liked myself when I was with Lisa. Then, Riin came along and, for a brief shining moment, I became the man I've always wanted to be. I should have let Lisa go right there, but I still loved her and didn't want to abandon her. Eventually, she started to drag me back down into being someone I hated to be.

Harassing someone is, for example, not something I usually do. Now, I think I understand why I did it. I knew I had become the man I wanted to be when I was with Riin. When she left, a part of me felt like my only hope to be that man was leaving with her. It's akin to a drowning man grabbing onto his rescuer to pull himself out of the water and succeeding only in drowning the rescuer, too.

I'd fallen into the trap of believing I needed Riin to find the man I want to be; I think that's why I was so desperate to reach her. I realize now that the man I want to be is inside me whether Riin is here or not. It's true I'd find him more easily with her help, but I can find him even without it.

However, with or without her, I knew I'd never be able to find him if I don't get away from Lisa. Since she went to her parents', I've been feeling much better about myself. Not as good as when I was with Riin, but better than I have in a very long time. It's obvious to me now that this has to end, one way or another.

I don't blame Riin anymore for being afraid I would hurt her. I wouldn't hurt her, but I can see why she'd think that given things that have happened between Lisa and I. That's part of what I mean about my becoming someone I don't want to be when I'm with her. Away from Lisa, I don't even want to harm a bug. With her, I get so deeply frustrated that I can't contain my temper. She, and my mother, are the only people in the world who can bring that out in me.

Riin fell in love with the man I would have been had I let Lisa go. That man is still a part of me. However, I cannot be that man so long as I stay in this relationship. I have to get out; I only hope I'm strong enough.

I wish Riin was here. It would be so much easier to do this if she was; at least I'd have a place to go and someone to help me keep my resolve. However, with or without her, I have to do this. I don't want to be this man anymore. I want to be the man Riin fell in love with. I want to be that man whether or not Riin ever loes me again because I have to be that man if I'm ever going to love myself. Right now, I don't; unless I do this, I probably never will.

I wish there was something I could do to make up for the mess I've made. I wasn't trying to hurt Riin but, in my stubborn arrogance, I thought I could make everything work. I hate to admit it but I can see now that, under the circumstances, Riin did the right thing getting out. If it had just been her and I, we would have worked. The three of us together, however, would never have worked; we all would have ended up hurting each other.

Of course, it's not going to be as easy for me to leave Lisa as it was for Riin to leave me. Riin lives 2500 km away; she didn't even have to move. Lisa and I live in the same municipality; it won't be so easy for me. It's going to take me some time to figure out if I'm going to have to move and, if so, where I'm going to live and how I'm going to afford it. This gives Lisa an advantage I didn't have: she has a "grace period" of sorts while I try to sort all this out.

I've spoken to Lisa once since the letter. What she had to say was encouraging. However, she has promised to "change her ways" in the past; every time, she let me down. No way I am trusting her blindly again. At the same time, however, I know she loves me; she just doesn't know how to negotiate for her wants and needs without resorting to abuse. That's something she has to learn if she's going to make any relationship work.

Since I need time to evaluate the ramifications of separating, anyway, I'm going to give Lisa until the end of March to prove that all of the "promises" she made are true. If things haven't changed significantly by then, we separate permanently. That's the perfect deadline because, if I determine I need to move, I can give my 30 days notice to move out by end of April; it's easier to move in spring weather.

If only Riin knew what was happening. I doubt she'd believe it even if she did. I always told her I'd never leave Lisa and that she'd have to accept her if she wanted to be with me. I have to admit, the way things are right now, if Riin was to come back tomorrow and say, "I'll give you another chance, but only if you leave Lisa right now," I'd do it.

Why?

Because that's probably what I should have done in the first place.

---

On January 12, 2008 10:58:01 AM AST, Anonymous wrote:

I have followed this saga for sometime now and you have said that in your OPEN relationship that all partners are equal. Looking at this now it looks as thou that was not the case, it looks as thou you loved Riin more then Lisa...why did you lie about this in past? Why were you not honest?

This has nothing to do with my beliefs on the dynamics of polyamorous relationships. It's also a much more complex question than simply whether I was honest or not.

While I do believe polyamorous relationships must be based on equal love, you can't make them be equal love. That was my mistake. I thought that Riin's love would help amplify my love for Lisa and that, in time, they all would be equal. Actually, in the beginning, they felt like they were. Riin helped pull Lisa and I back together, and I felt stronger love for Lisa than I had in ages thanks to her support.

Looking back on that in hindsight now, though, this was probably an illusion. I was so determined to prove that polyamory works that I, in effect, became infatuated with Lisa all over again, just as I was in the first days. The strength of this infatuation allowed me to fool myself into believing my love for Lisa was equal to mine for Riin. I do love Lisa, but I don't think that love was ever as strong as what I feel for Riin; I just thought it was.

Being dishonest means to say something you know isn't true. I wasn't dishonest; I actually believed what I was saying, and I still do believe in the dynamics of a healthy polyamorous relationship. The problem was I couldn't admit that this one was not healthy because I tend to be a martyr. I didn't want to abandon Lisa even though my relationship with her was not healthy, and never was, polyamorous or not.

This has nothing to do with polyamory; this has to do specifically with how I feel about Lisa. You're right; I do love Riin more. If she gave me another chance tomorrow, I'd take it. Even Lisa's parents told me, if my relationship with Riin ever re-ignited, to tell them and they'd help me separate from Lisa. They don't want to see that happen, but they also don't think it would be fair to me, or to her, for me to stay when I had a chance at real happiness.

I do still love Lisa. The question I have to ask myself now is do I love her enough to give her another chance, or is it time to get out?

Maybe, without something better to go to and no prospects for anything better, I'm just afraid to admit this is over and end up alone.

That's what I need these next few months to figure out.

On January 12, 2008 5:33:25 PM AST, Anonymous wrote:

Is it better to be with someone abusive or to be alone??

You know, I asked a friend in a similar situation the same question. The answer is obvious; alone is better. The only problem is that, at that time, I hadn't experienced things from the dumpee's point of view; now I have. It's just so hard to think of putting Lisa through that.

Of course, OTOH, even if I do end up leaving her, I'm not going to do to her what Riin did to me. Even if I do ultimately decide to leave, I'll always be her friend and she'll always be welcome to call and talk to me. I truly don't think it's fair to take anyone who loves you and cut them out of your life completely. I just can't do that to anyone, particularly someone I love and, all questions aside of how much I love her, I do love her.

My feelings on all this are just too complicated; I need time to sort this out. That's why I'm writing about this here, actually; anything I'm having trouble sorting out tends to end up in this blog.

Get a dog, they are great companians, they only bite sometimes. ;)

:) That gave me a chuckle; thanks.

Bouclé

It's interesting. When Riin was actually around, yammering on about yarn and knitting, I used to find it dreadfully boring (of course, poor Riin used to be subjected to my yammering about Titanic from time to time, so I guess I earned that :P). Now that she's gone, to my surprise, I actually miss it. I didn't realize how much I missed it, however, until today.

I was at work, walking through the cafeteria. There was someone sitting there knitting. I glanced at the fiber they were working with. When I saw the distinctive loops in the fiber, I muttered to myself, "Bouclé."

A few steps further, I realized what I'd said. My next thought was, "I can't believe I actually know that..."

Yeah, OK, I admit it; I miss the knitting. :(

Victims of Victims

I've created a new Yahoo! Group called "Victims of Victims."

Throughout the past century, physical and emotional abuse have been a serious problem in our society. Traditionally, abusiveness in the household was kept secret. This secretiveness, in turn, allowed the abuse to flourish because no one wanted to acknowledge it. By the mid to late 20th Century, you could find abuse in some form in virtually every household.

Fortunately, towards the end of the 20th Century, people in abusive situations started coming forward. As more and more people told their stories, the problem became a bigger and bigger part of the social consciousness. By the dawn of the 21st Century, people finally recognized it as the societal cancer it is, and always was.

Unfortunately, our awareness of it did not become a cure any more than chemotherapy did for cancer. Our awareness of abuse has helped stem the tide and stop some of the worst of it, but has also caused considerable collateral damage; in the same way chemotherapy makes the patient sick, so too does our awareness of abuse sometimes harm the innocent.

Nobody is perfect; we all do "abusive" things we regret later. The problem is, society has become so paranoid of abuse in all forms that often just being accused of abuse carries a stigma. For all intents and purposes, a person accused of abuse becomes guilty until proven innocent.

A police officer I spoke to once put it quite eloquently: "We have to take every complaint, no matter how small, seriously because there have been one too many dead wives found on their kitchen floors."

Victims of Victims is a support group for people who have been victims, not of traditional abuse, but of "abuse victims" who use society's paranoia with abuse as a tool to abuse their "abuser." This group is for anyone who's ever had someone call the police on them when they didn't deserve it or been unfairly slandered by "victims."

Maybe some of us have made genuine mistakes in the past... but none of us deserve this.


Click to join Victims of Victims

To Protect and Serve?

This is a Letter to the Editor I just submitted to my local newspaper, The Cape Breton Post:

From: John A. Ardelli
Subject: Misguided Law Enforcement
Date: November 11, 2007 1:35:33 PM AST
To: Cape Breton Post Letters to the Editor

To the Editor:

"Bicyclists may occupy as much of a traffic lane as their safety warrants." This is a direct quote from the Bicycle Safety brochure published by Service Nova Scotia and Municipal Relations. It means, if there’s no room to share, cyclists have the right to take as much lane space as they need. Unfortunately, this fact does not appear to be a part of the training given to officers of the Cape Breton Regional Police.

Several weeks ago, a police constable in an unmarked cruiser squeezed by me within centimeters as I traveled east on Kings Road just past Kenwood Drive. When I honked my horn and yelled after him, he pulled me over and accused me of "impeding traffic" (all the while his cruiser, stopped on the road, was doing just that) and that I should be riding at the extreme right.

This past Friday, a police officer honked at me as I traveled west towards Kenwood Drive. I pointed to the lane next to me to signal him to go around me; he did. However, when I got to work, he caught up with me and told me the same fallacy about "impeding traffic" (and accused me of making a "left hand turn signal" when I pointed to the adjacent lane) and said I need to move over more. This officer, unlike the other, was at least polite about it and didn’t impede traffic himself.

In both cases, the officers claimed they were doing this for my "safety."

I've only ever had one collision on Kings Road, with a cyclist riding on the sidewalk at the Kimberly Drive intersection.

If these police officers truly want to increase the safety of cyclists, it's the cyclists on the sidewalks, not the law-abiding ones on the road, that they need to address.

That was as much as I could say within the Post's 300 word limit. I did, however, publish a bit more detail on the story on Cyclelicious; click the title of this entry to go directly to the article there.

Unbelievable...

Unbelievable; her "new" blog wasn't even 10 days old and already she's managed to slide in a reference to having been in "an emotionally abusive relationship with [a] cyclist . . ."

For somebody who wants nothing to do with me, Riin sure talks about me enough...

---

On October 18, 2007 1:03:19 AM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

Aw, you got mentioned in the paper -- er, I mean, a blog -- aren't you proud...

No; shocked.

If you think that having been in, and then extracted oneself from, an emotionally abusive relationship isn't . . . a big part of someone's life at that time, then you're obviously unclear on the concept. Of COURSE it gets mentioned when one is describing . . . "why I now avoid stuff I used to love."

I am perfectly clear on the concept. If you think that Riin was the only one who was "emotionally abused," think again; this sword is double-edged.

A reference indicates the level of trauma she experienced, yet you seem to think it's a sign that she's pining away for you.

No. Talking to her friends about it privately would indicate the level of trauma she's experienced; talking about it publicly is a whole other ball o' yarn. Sue, a past commenter here, actually took me to task for discussing things about Riin publicly that I shouldn't have; I've since taken those down when I realized she was right.

"But you mention Riin all the time on your blog," some might say. Quite true but, then again, I have been forthright from the outset that I am trying to get Riin's attention. If I didn't want her attention, I wouldn't be broadcasting my pain across the globe; I'd be talking about it only with my close friends in private.

In my opinion, there are only four possible motivations Riin could possibly have for mentioning her trauma publicly:

1. She's playing for sympathy.
2. She's trying to get back at me.
3. She's trying to get my attention.
4. She's "pining away for [me]."

Honestly, I seriously doubt it's 4 (don't put words in my mouth). Even if she still has feelings for me (and, according to my personal beliefs on the dynamics of love she must), "pining" was never Riin's way even when we were together, much less now. No, I think her actions are motivated, not by love, but by anger and self-righteousness; this, she is prone to.

I think it's a combination of options 1-3 in descending order.

First and foremost, I think she's playing for sympathy. Even when we were together, she had a strong tendency to play the victim, even with me. She used to tell me all the ways people had wronged her and how angry and powerless she was to prevent it all. Hell, until recently that was pretty much all she ever did on her blog, for that matter (now pretty much all she talks about is knitting which, I think, is a distinct improvement).

Second, she definitely wants to get back at me; no question of that. She was forced to take down the libelous comment about me (of course, she did it under the guise of "starting over" so she wouldn't have to admit she was wrong) so, the first opportunity she had she put up something she knew would annoy me but that I can't say anything about because, unfortunately, I can't deny the truth in it.

The third ties into the second; she can't get back at me without getting my attention, and I know she knows I'm reading her blog. So I have no doubt that she is playing for my attention, not to get me back, but to twist the proverbial knife.

In fact, not mentioning the relationship at all would be rather unhealthy of her; it would seem to indicate some ongoing state of denial or not having come to grips with the situation.

I agree, but none of that changes the fact that she could choose to talk about it privately as opposed to in a public forum; she chooses to speak publicly. There is absolutely no reason to do so outside of the aforementioned four motivations.

I for one am very glad to see that she seems to be moving on in a healthy manner.

"Healthy?" Hardly. All she ever talks about is how I was "emotionally abusive." Not once has she ever admitted to being at fault herself. "Healthy" would be a balanced admission that we were both at fault. She's always had trouble facing her own faults; this has destroyed every emotionally significant relationship Riin has ever been in:

1. Her father.
2. Her mother.
3. M (best friend 27 years).
4. Peter Alway (ex-husband 14 years).
5. Ken Kifer.
6. Me.

All you have to do to see the swath of emotional destruction in her wake is do a search of the archives of Bicycling Advocacy and CarFree and do a Wayback Machine search on her former blog; she talks about them all.

The only one of these relationships that didn't technically self destruct is Ken Kifer, and then only because he didn't live long enough to be subjected to Riin's abuses; in that sense, he was the lucky one of the six of us. Still, Riin's abusive side is a fairly creative one; eventually, she found a way to betray even him.

Following his death, she took over care of his Yahoo! Group, the aforementioned Bicycling Advocacy. She told me on countless occasions how important that group was to Ken. So what does she ultimately do with it? She abandons it to me, a man she considers so reprehensible that she can't even bring herself to face me and talk through our issues like adults. She could have turned the group over to the other co-moderator, but she didn't; she just turned her back.

She didn't even have the decency to say goodbye to the members when she left. I mean, if you're just a member of a group, OK you don't owe anyone anything, but when it's your group, you owe it to the members to at least let them know you're leaving and let them know who will be in charge when you're gone; you don't just leave.

On her old blog, Riin once said that she felt like a traitor; she just didn't know to who or what. I think a part of her, deep down, knows the answer to that: Ken Kifer. If Ken's memory meant anything to her at all, she would never have turned her back on a piece of him so callously.

Riin is just as abusive as I am; she just won't admit it to herself. If she doesn't admit it soon so she can do something about it, she probably always will be abusive and her relationships will continue to fail, one by one, leaving a string of shattered hearts.

Right now, what she's doing is avoiding. She wants to pretend she hasn't done anything wrong so she doesn't have to feel guilty. Now, I don't advocate living a life of guilt, as I've seen so many people do, but there are times when one should feel guilty. I do. I feel guilty for everything I've done to hurt Riin. She, on the other hand, apparently feels no remorse whatsoever for the pain she's caused me, or any of the other five she's turned her back on.

I guess she's not ready to face her darker half; until she is, she is not "healthy."

Of course, in my experience, no one truly is...

On October 19, 2007 1:32:12 AM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

Well, I totally agree that it's inappropriate for you to give her personal details without her explicit permission -- such as, oh, for example, a list of people you claim she's hurt (whether you're right or wrong about that is not the issue, but I don't accept it as fact, I accept it as something you claim). Including naming names in some cases! You should be ashamed!

Then so should she. I haven't revealed any names she hasn't already; see the above links.

You will note that she did not mention you by name.

The trick all libelers use to avoid legal issues; morally, it's still the same.

My whole point in my comment was that she was giving an overview of her life of late and of some major changes and the reasons behind them.

All of which she had no reason, aside from the ones I gave earlier, to do in public.

Take note, please, that I never said that you weren't also emotionally abused.

Not directly, but you claimed I "wasn't clear on" what it is to be in or get out of an abusive relationship. That implies I haven't had any experience with it; that further implies that I've not been abused.

In fact, I never said that she was.

Again, by telling me the "trauma" of the abuse was probably the motivation behind her actions, you implied it very clearly; if she wasn't abused, your argument means nothing.

She is probably NEVER going to be able to leave out that part when describing big changes in her life.

Sure she can. Just as she did in her personal info page: "For a long time I rode a bike everywhere, but that really wasn't making me happy anymore." That's all that really needs to be said, unless somebody actually asks why it "doesn't make [her] happy."

[S]he is doing well . . .

Too well. She's suffered no consequences for the people she's crushed in her wake; not just me.

My opinion? Sure, but I'm entitled to it.

Case Closed

Well, the man who's been trying to reach me since Friday finally caught up to me last night.

He was simply the detective that I was told would visit. He just wanted to make sure I got the letter from the University of Michigan Department of Public Safety. The reason he hasn't been identifying himself was because he didn't know how much Lisa knew about my situation and didn't want to tell her he was police lest he embarrass me. I'm not so sure it's a wise policy not to identify yourself when you come to someone's door, but I understand why he did it.

At least now it's over. Now I know he wasn't some wingnut trying to hurt Lisa or myself. Finally, I can relax.

My greatest relief, however, is that he was not here to serve me papers; I don't have to file any complaints. Riin took down the libelous comment about me. She respected my feelings; I will respect hers. Finally, I can put this situation to rest. I still hope Riin will decide to contact me to bury the hatchet some day but, until, or if, that day comes, I will respect her feelings and not contact her as long as she continues to respect mine and not vilify me in public.

Now all I have to do is figure out what to do about the troll who posted a comment here a few days ago claiming to be Riin and daring me to call her. Whoever you are, be advised that being flawed (as we all are) does not make me stupid. Even when we were together, Riin only ever commented on this blog once in all the time it's been here. She doesn't comment here; she never has. If you were really Riin, you would E-mail me or call me, not comment here.

Since I knew the comment could not be from Riin, I brought it up with the police officers while they were here. They told me that, if I filed a complaint, it would be investigated. They have computer experts that handle this kind of thing. So, I kept a record of the comment but did not publish it (that's why there's a "deleted comment" listed in the comments on the previous post). The police can get the IP address from Blogger if I choose to pursue it.

Up to now, I was willing to let the childishness in the comments here slide, but writing here, pretending to be Riin? That crosses the line. If you'd been successful and had tricked me into calling her, that could've hurt her. The fact that you failed in your attempt is irrelevant; I cannot discount the intent to cause her harm. Whatever else has happened, I still love her and I will not tolerate anyone deliberately setting out to cause her harm.

Be advised a complaint will be filed, and the IP traced, if I ever see another comment from "Riin" in this blog.

Now that that's been said, I wish Riin all the love and luck in the world; my door will always be open to her.

An Acceptable Compromise... I Hope...

It would seem that Riin has, perhaps unwittingly, offered me an acceptable compromise I can live with.

On Wednesday, October 3, 2007, I received a following letter, Registered Mail, from the Department of Public Safety, University of Michigan:

Mr. Ardelli:

My name is **** *****, and I am a Detective with the University of Michigan Department of Public Safety. On 9/4/2007 Riin Gill filed a report with our Department [sic] alleging that she has asked you on more than one occasion to cease all contact with her. She further stated that you have continued to e-mail her, call her, send post mail to her and to write entries on her blog. I am hereby ordering you to cease all contact with Riin Gill including, but not limited to:
Phone calls
Electronic Mail
Postal Mail
Electronic Bulleting [sic] Boards
Web Logs
Personal Contact at Home, Work or a Public Place
Appearing Within Sight of Riin Gill
Third Party Contacts

The act of making any of the previous contacts is in violation of Michigan Penal Code 750.411h- Stalking, a misdemeanor. Furthermore, and as a warning to avoid any future behavior that may escalate the situation, you should be informed that posting an unauthorized message through the use of any medium of communication with intent to terrorize, intimidate, harass or molest is a Felony in the State of Michigan (Michigan Penal Code 750.411s)

At this point in the investigation, after consulting with Riin Gill, the report was filed as an Information Report. However, if any new attempts to contact Riin Gill are made by you, be advised that criminal charges may result.
Likewise, Riin Gill was advised not to make any contacts with you or to visit any of your sites. If you have any questions or concerns, you can reach me at (***)***-****.

I thank you in advance for your prompt attention and cooperation in this matter.
Sincerely,

**** *****
University of Michigan
Department of Public Safety
Criminal Investigations Unit
**** ***** *****
*** *****, ** *****
Phone-***-***-****
Fax-***-***-****

So I called the Detective to explain my side of the story. I talked to him for a few minutes, but he wasn't able to talk long as the calls were forwarded to his cell phone; he had a family emergency. So, we didn't have much time to talk, but I was able to gather that Riin's complaint was prompted by my recent repeated attempts to post comments on her blog. The Detective seemed like a nice, reasonable guy. He offered to talk to me at greater length the next day.

When I spoke to him the following day, this is, in a nutshell, what I told him:

After doing some research, I found the full text of Michigan Penal Code 750.411s. A Felony charge under that section can only be brought if all conditions in 750.411s (1a-d) are met.

(1a) definitely applies, and the very fact Riin made her complaint implies that (1d) applies, but (1b) and (1c) do not apply. My messages were not intended to cause harassing conduct (1b), and no conduct arising from my messages would cause a reasonable person to feel threatened (1c) (I do not feel Riin is being reasonable so, if she does feel threatened, it is without cause, and (1c) is apparently there to protect people in my situation from being wrongfully charged).

Furthermore, as regards section 750.411h, "stalking" and "unconsented contact" are defined separately under subsections (d) and (e).

"Stalking" is defined under 750.411h (d) as "a willful course of conduct involving repeated or continuing harassment of another individual that would cause a reasonable person to feel terrorized, frightened, intimidated, threatened, harassed, or molested and that actually causes the victim to feel terrorized, frightened, intimidated, threatened, harassed, or molested."

"Unconsented contact" is defined under 750.411h (e) as: "any contact with another individual that is initiated or continued without that individual's consent or in disregard of that individual's expressed desire that the contact be avoided or discontinued."

As I've said, the messages I sent would not make any reasonable person "feel terrorized, frightened, intimidated, threatened, harassed, or molested." Therefore, though I freely acknowledge engaging in unconsented contact as outlined in 750.411h (e), that contact was not "stalking" as defined under 750.411h (d). I therefore submit that Ms. Gill's accusation of "stalking" is a blatantly false charge.

Furthermore , from March 7 (the day after the breakup) through June 2, 2007, I respected her wishes. I even stopped sending her postal mail, at her request in a letter I received May 20. I had no contact with her whatsoever following that date and had no intention to contact her. Her request not to contact her in her letter was unambiguous, so I intended to honor it, and did up to June 2; that's when she decided to make libelous comments about me on her blog.

At that point, realizing I had to take action to stop the libel and preferring to do so between her and I rather than bringing in the police or a lawyer, I contacted her and gave her clear caveat that I would not tolerate the libel and that, if it was not removed, my promise not to contact her would be null and void. This has been the justification for my actions from then until now: so long as that libel stayed on her blog, I would not respect her wishes on principle.

However, this past October 6, Lisa informed me that Riin had taken her entire blog down and started over. Now, I'm somewhat dismayed that she discarded all that history she'd built up, but I do understand why she did it. She needs to start over from scratch. I respect that. Further, with the dissolution of her original blog, the libelous comments of June 2 disappeared along with it.

Therefore since Riin has showing a willingness, however tacit, to respect my wishes, I hereby formally state my intentions to respect hers. As of this date, Monday, October 8, 2007, I will willingly cease all contact in all forms with Riin, as per her request with the understanding that this embargo is not two ways. Should Riin ever wish to contact me, she is welcome to, but she will not hear from me again unless she contacts me.

Now, I'm hoping that will be the end of it... but there's a wrinkle.

This past Friday, October 5 around 2:00 PM ADT, a unknown male, overweight, gray haired balding, wearing a blue tench coat and carrying a manila folder, came to my door. Lisa was the only one here; I was at work. The man asked where I was and requested my cell phone number. Unfortunately Lisa, not thinking, gave him this information without even asking the man who he was; shortly thereafter, I received a hang-up call on my cell phone voice mail.

Now, the Detective from the University of Michigan Department of Public Safety did tell me, during our conversation, that a Cape Breton Regional Police Detective might pay me a visit just to make sure I got his letter, so I assumed that that's who the man was, so I didn't give it any further thought. I did, however, ask Lisa not go give out any further information about me the next time without getting the identity of the man first.

Well, today (Monday, October 8), around the same time as on Friday, the same man showed up again. As I has asked, Lisa asked him who he was, twice. He refused to identify himself; he would only say that he needed to talk to me. Even more troubling, he knew Lisa's name. Lisa immediately called my cell phone and left a voice mail explaining what happened.

I immediately called the Cape Breton Regional Police from work to ask them if it was one of their people. Though they were not absolutely certain, they did say one thing that concerned me: because of the Thanksgiving holiday, none of their "plain clothes" operatives were on patrol at the time, only uniformed officers. So I have to assume, whoever this guy was, he was not with the Cape Breton Regional Police.

I met with a couple of Cape Breton Regional Police officers following the end of my shift at 4:30 (fortunately, there is a "satellite" police station right in front of our building). I explained my entire situation, just as I've explained it here. Now, given my situation with Riin, it's quite possible that this guy has some legitimate business with me. However, I do not appreciate how he's frightening both myself and particularly Lisa by refusing to identify himself.

The police officers advised me not to contact Riin any further (which was already my intention anyway). In turn, they instructed me to have Lisa call the police immediately should this guy show up again.

It occurs to me that this guy could be trying to serve me some papers from Riin. I sincerely hope not. The Detective in Michigan was very clear: Riin is willing not to press this further if I agree not to contact her. I did agree to that in the conversation, pending Riin's willingness to remove the libel against me on her blog. Since she has done that, and as I have agreed to stand down, I would view any further action from Riin at this point as nothing more than malicious.

If it does turn out that this guy is trying to serve me anything from Riin, given that the charge of "stalking" is clearly unfounded under the Michigan Penal Code, I will file a formal charge against Riin under Section 750.370 of the MPC: "Falsely and maliciously accusing another." It's one thing for her to come after me, but this guy is scaring Lisa. That I will not tolerate. If this is Riin's doing, this is the last thing she should have done if she wanted this truly over.

However, until I find out what this guy wants, I'm going to give Riin the benefit of the doubt and assume that either this guy wants to talk to me about an unrelated matter (I am in the process of filing a formal complaint against a police officer regarding an unrelated traffic incident, so it could be about that) or that it's a complaint filed by someone else I've contacted in connection with the Riin mess (unlikely as whoever it is apparently knows my address).

I'll leave a letter for "John Doe" on my door tomorrow warning him that, if he does not identify himself when he knocks, the police will immediately be called. I'll also leave Lisa instructions to do so should he come back.

I hope it's not Riin's doing. Now that the libel is off her blog, I'd much rather just let this drop once and for all. I'm pretty battle-weary, and I think I've proven my point. At least Riin will never be able to say "he didn't even care enough to fight for me."

One thing I must say. Riin's "new" blog is apparently called "A Happy Fuzzy Blog." I like that. It's very "her." However, one of the three statements that appears below that title strikes me as singularly ironic: "Practice compassion towards all living things." An interesting statement coming from her, particularly given how much "compassion" she's shown me these past seven months...

Riin has always reacted very badly to being called a hypocrite. It occurs to me that most people tend to react most strongly to criticisms about themselves they know to be true but which they don't like about themselves. The compassion statement is hypocritical because Riin knows compassion but practices it only when it is easy to do so. If being compassionate means even the slightest discomfort to her personally, she'd rather disregard the feelings of others.

Either way, as strange as it may sound, I still love Riin as much now as I did when this all started, hypocrisy and all (she shouldn't be ashamed of hypocrisy... I've found that everyone is hypocritical about something somewhere in their lives, myself included... all we can do is try not to let it rule us).

However... I guess sometimes love just isn't enough. At least I have some good memories to fall back on... and at least Riin stayed in my life long enough to have a lasting, positive impression on it.

For that, I thank her.

In that book which is my memory,
On the first page of the chapter that is the day when I first met you,
Appear the words: "Here begins a new life.'"

Dante, "La Vita Nuova"

---

October 9, 2007 12:36:54 AM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

I . . . enjoy[ed] the irony of you deigning to rule that there was no way a reasonable person would have been intimidated, harassed, molested, etc by your behavior, and then promptly stating how threatening you/Lisa found a guy knocking at your door who won't identify himself.

I'm 2500 km away from her. Riin would have to be seriously paranoid to feel threatened by me at such a distance (honestly, I don't think she actually feels threatened... she's just trying to "make a point..." she does that...). Plus, at least I had enough respect not to be sneaky about my intentions. I didn't send anonymous messages. I identified myself up-front.

Just like the guy at your door, you did nothing explicitly threatening.

Refusing to identify himself, particularly when directly asked, is explicitly threatening.

I did identify myself. IMHO, respect demands that you identify yourself if you're going to address a person.

[T]he very act of behaving in certain ways becomes, by virtue of the determinedness or the inexplicableness of the actions, threatening or spooky to the other person.

My actions are not inexplicable. I've stated my intentions from day one.

[W]ho needs TV when there's Ardelli's drama to follow?

I'm glad you're finding my life so amusing.