Facing Anger

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about Riin and what happened between us. Particularly, I've been giving a lot of thought to her accusations that I am a "stalker" and how that made me feel. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I've been trying to avoid upsetting her.

For example, every time I'd post an entry to this blog about this, as I'd rewrite, I'd be constantly second guessing myself. I'd wonder if what I was saying might hurt her and, if so, can I find another way to say it that would be less hurtful. Sometimes, if I couldn't figure out a "nice" way to say something, I'd take things out entirely to avoid hurting her.

This morning, when I thought back to our recent conflicts and, particularly, the day of our breakup, I realized that this isn't a phenomenon isolated to the blog. It's what I've been doing all along.

I think it's time for me to just tell it like it is.

Riin has accused me on many occasions of being manipulative. Well, sometimes I am. We all are. Whether they admit it or not, there's not one person on this planet who hasn't been guilty, at one time or another, of trying to manipulate someone into doing something.

But Riin is easily as manipulative as I am. I'll grant she may not realize it, but she is.

When Riin and I first fell in love, the first thing Riin wanted to do was move to Canada. I tried to talk her out of it because I knew it was a crazy idea. The first thing out of her mouth, through choked back tears, was: "Don't you want me?" I mean, what can I possibly say? It was like trying to refuse a puppy a table scrap. The relationship was still brand new. I didn't want her to think I didn't love her. So I relented.

Then, when her ex-husband refused to allow her to have a polyamorous partner, she decided to leave him so she could be with me. I tried to talk her out of leaving him since I didn't think a physical relationship was that important. But she'd gotten it into her head that her husband didn't care if she was happy and implied that if I didn't go along with it that I didn't want her to be happy. So, again, she managed to push me into a decision against my better judgment.

As time went on, Riin got me all excited about the possibility of her moving to Canada. She did research on immigration, started saving money, started an on-line business all with the goal of making enough money to move here. I got so caught up in it all that I forgot my initial misgivings and started building my whole life around the idea that this wonderful, beautiful woman was coming "home" to be a member of my "family" with Lisa and I.

At first, our relationship was beautiful and happy. However, as time went on, I began to recognize a pattern in our relationship which I knew was going to cause us eventual trouble. The thing was, though, the very nature of the problem made it very difficult to deal with.

From the beginning, Riin had always told me to be honest about my thoughts and feelings. I was for most things. However, I quickly discovered that one feeling I could not express was anger. Whenever Riin said anything that made me angry, if I tried to express it, she'd start going on about how much people have yelled at her all her life. I ended up feeling guilty for making her feel bad and ended up suppressing my anger instead of expressing it.

So, every time I felt angry, I'd pretty much go through the same pattern. I'd suppress it the night she said it. The next day at work, I'd go through the whole day stewing about it. By the time I'd talk to her the next night, my anger had dissipated to the point where I felt it wasn't worth trying to confront her because I knew it would just degenerate into her manipulating me into feeling guilty for daring to be angry at her, as if being angry meant I didn't love her.

I'm a pretty easygoing guy so, at first, this didn't bother me. Then, my grandmother died. This was the first time in my adult life I'd ever lost anyone so important to me. I didn't know how to deal with it. As a result, my fuse got a lot shorter and, over time, I began to resent the fact that Riin would never allow me to express anger freely. Slowly, our fights became more and more frequent as my frustration continued to build.

It came to a head the day of the breakup. The night before, I had lost my temper when she suddenly decided not to move to Canada after I'd been building my life towards that goal for two years. As usual, she made me feel guilty for being angry so, out of force of habit, I decided to suppress my feelings and try to placate her.

However, this time I was way too angry to just suppress it. I was still furious the next day. It was her idea to move to Canada in the first place. She was the one who'd been encouraging me for two years to look forward to the day we would be together. If she's changed her mind, fine. She has that right. However, after two years of looking forward to that day, I can't just accept that instantly. I need time to adjust.

I needed room to be angry.

That's when I knew we were in serious trouble. I knew this was anger I could not suppress. I also knew Riin wouldn't want to face my anger. But I had no choice. This, I couldn't just push out of my mind. This, we had to talk about.

I called her at work with the intention of telling her how I felt and letting her know that we had to talk about it that night. I wanted to try to give her a heads up so my anger wouldn't take her off-guard that night. I was hoping this might make it easier for her to face. The problem was she was having a bad day at work so, for one last time, I decided to bury my anger. I had every intention, however, of talking to her about it that night.

I know she sensed my anger when I called. She probably expected I'd be angry when we talked that night. I suspect that, at least subconsciously, that's probably one of the major reasons why she chose to break up with me that night. She didn't want to have to deal with my anger. So, instead of dealing with it, she just pushed me away as hard as she could.

The thing she didn't anticipate, though, was my persistence. I think she assumed that I didn't love her anymore because I was so angry, so she expected I'd just roll over and give up. When I didn't, and when she began to realize I wasn't going to give up, she decided to convince herself that I'm a "stalker" in order to give herself a rationale for pushing me away without having to face me.

I will acknowledge that I am very persistent, but do not "stalk." I don't hack into people's E-mail accounts. I don't follow people around and keep track of their every move. I certainly don't make threats, and I've never hurt anyone in my life. I just don't give up trying to get them to talk things out. The problem is, if someone is obdurate in their position to the point of being childish, as Riin has been, this character trait tends to get me in trouble.

I had a situation with a friend several years ago that was almost identical. It was a friend at work I had a falling out with (I've already mentioned this in earlier postings). Virtually the same thing happened. I just wanted to talk to her, but some of her "friends" convinced her that I was trying to hurt her. So she, like Riin, she sent me an E-mail threatening to get the police.

At the time, I had no blog to publish her letter on. Still, I did take all my correspondence with her and turn it in to Human Resources. When she next went to HR to talk about the incident, she was shocked when they handed her printouts of every article of correspondence we'd exchanged, including her own E-mails. She asked them where they got them, and they told her: I provided them myself.

This made her pause. She had assumed that I was "stalking" her, as her friends claimed, and that the threat of police involvement would scare me. However, the fact that I was willing to turn over not only every word she said but every word I said suggested to her that it did not scare me. If it didn't scare me, and if I was willing to lay bare every word I'd said, she began to realize she might have read me wrong...

It was still several months before she and I spoke again, but that incident planted a seed that eventually convinced her of my true intentions. Today, she is very glad I didn't give up on her. As she's said herself recently, I'm the only friend she still has from her old home town (she moved away) that hasn't given up trying to stay in touch with her, and she greatly appreciates that I've been there for her through her toughest times. "You're always there," she says.

So, with her, persistence paid off. She has experienced my "stalking" from the inside, so to speak, and she knows from experience that it's nothing of the sort. It's just love and persistence. It's how I am. I'm fiercely loyal. That loyalty has allowed me to keep that friend who is, even to this day, one of the most important and wonderful people I've ever had the honor calling a friend.

I published Riin's letter here in my blog for the same reason I turned in my friend's correspondence to HR. Riin expected me to cower and back off because she, like my friend before, thought that once she called my actions "stalking," she'd be able to leverage that to scare me into giving up. Instead, I took the bite out of her threat by laying it open for the world to see, demonstrating I had done nothing wrong and had nothing to hide.

Recently, a friend of mine pointed out that, if Riin ever did read this blog, she would most likely object to my posting her private E-mail. Well, she should have thought of that before accusing me of "stalking" and threatening me with police action. She knows the story I've just told you about my friend. She should have known I'd respond in a similar fashion. There was nothing "private" in the message. Just her pedomorphic threat and attitude.

I've gone back and read my prior entries. Everything I've said all along is still true. However, for the most part, I've talked about what I did wrong, as if Riin was some kind of angel, infallible and perfect.

I am through shrinking away from her at the expense of my own needs. I am through dancing around her conviction that this breakup was all my fault. I am through trading my self-respect, begging her for respect as if I was some poor, miserable, pathetic piece of crap that doesn't deserve to be treated with respect just because she has decided she doesn't want to face me like an adult.

I still love Riin. I still want to work things out. However, I'm not going to work things out by slinking onto a hole and cowering instead of facing her every time things get difficult. The more I do that, the bigger her advantage, and the easier it becomes for her to manipulate me.

So, this is the truth as I see it: Riin refuses to face my anger. To avoid facing it, she's decided to throw away one of the most beautiful things she's ever made in her life as if it were an old used-up Kleenex.

What she doesn't realize is, it's not a Kleenex. It's a beautiful, knitted handkerchief that we've made over the years of our being together. It just needs a little tender loving care to clean it up. That's why I fished it out of the trash and I'm trying to give it back to her. I don't know how to care for knitted things. I need her help to clean it. It would be difficult but, with her help, we could make it beautiful again.

Unfortunately, all she can see is how hopelessly filthy it looks. In her naïveté, she doesn't believe it can be cleaned, so she refuses to even try.

If she throws it out now, she throws away the years of work that went into it... and the beauty still there...

Under the dirt.

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Responses to comments on this post:

On April 10, 2007 8:13:08 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

WHY DO YOU CONSTANTLY BRING RIIN UP IN YOUR BLOG?

I have things to say. Riin refuses to face me like an adult and let me say them. So this blog is my only venting point.

WHAT MUST LISA THINK ABOUT ALL OF THIS?

I'll let Lisa answer this (if she wishes to comment).

IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANY THING OTHER THAT CRAP ABOUT RIIN THEN STOP PUBLISHING YOUR BLOGS BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY BORING.

You have no right to tell me, or the owner of any blog, what they may or may not publish. If you find my blog so boring then stop reading it. I'm not tying you to a chair and forcing you to read it.

On April 11, 2007 2:09:05 AM ADT, Lisa wrote:

Riin never really gave him an explanation as to WHY she was breaking it off with him... and I think he AT LEAST deserves to have that...

Here, Lisa echoes the opinion of a vast majority of my friends. Virtually everyone agrees that Riin shouldn't have cut me off at the knees without any explanation at all, and they support me in my feeling of indignation at that. Unfortunately, they also agree that, right or wrong, she has a right to do it and there's nothing I can do about it.

That is what's so frustrating. It's obvious what she's doing is wrong, but there's nothing I or anyone can do about it unless she is willing to do the right thing.

I AM upset that he is wanting her back into our lives, at the moment, but that is just because I am upset with her, myself, at the way she ended things. But as soon as my anger ceases to exsist, and she gives John, and I, a good explanation as to why she did this, I will have no problem bringing her back into our lives.

Actually, "bringing her back into our lives," is not my goal right now. My goal is to try to get Riin to talk to me. Where it goes from there will depend on the course of that conversation.

I firmly believe, if I could get Riin to talk to me and be willing to listen to what I have to say, yes I think we could save our relationship. The problem is, she does not want to listen and, given her level of anger, it's unlikely she would listen right now.

She recently took a personality quiz (she's always loved those), the results of which she posted on her blog. The results said, in part: "You can be stubborn and absolutely refuse to change your position once it is set, but that’s okay since you are good at covering up your mistakes." That's exactly the problem. She is being stubborn and refusing to change her position. Even if she did agree to talk to me, I wouldn't hold out much hope of that changing right now.

However, it's interesting that the quiz also indicates that her stubbornness is OK because she's good at "covering up [her] mistakes." In other words, the quiz is implying that, whenever she does get stubborn like that, she's probably making a mistake...

That being said, my ultimate goal, if I could get her to talk to me, is to try to work things out between us, but I wouldn't expect that to happen overnight. Right now, I'd be happy if she'd just have enough respect to face me and explain to me why she's doing what she's doing.

On April 12, 2007 9:03:45 AM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

There was a comment for a short time in Riin's blog from a guy claiming to be her suitor, but Riin deleted that comment fairly quickly. The last name of the guy was Frost; I don't recall the first name. Maybe this is your "troll."

Tom Frost Jr. No, he's definitely not the troll. He's a mutual friend Riin and I met on Bicycling Advocacy. He's commented to my blog from time to time, too.

The problem was, his comment on Riin's blog was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but it was worded in such a way that it probably would have started a flood of "bash the ex" comments. When I pointed that out to him, he apologized and, to my surprise, actually asked Riin to remove his comment (I hadn't asked, nor expected, him to do that, and I greatly respect the class he showed in doing so).

I was even more surprised when Riin actually did so as that was the first classy, mature thing she has done, as far as our breakup is concerned, in recent weeks. It was like getting a fleeting glimpse of the old, loving, understanding, mature Riin I fell in love with. It didn't fill me with much hope of actually reaching her, but it was nice to know that the woman I love is still in there under all that bitterness and anger...

He's also definitely not her suitor. He's pursuing someone else at the moment. He's commented about that on my blog, too. ;)

On April 12, 2007 8:07:23 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

[A]fter reading your blog i [sic] am wondering what type of person you are calling some one a trol [sic].

I wasn't calling them a "troll" in the name calling sense. "Troll" is an Internet slang term. If you'll scroll down in this posting to where I actually used the term, you'll see it's a hyperlink. Click on it. It goes to the Wikipedia's entry on the subject.

Wiktionary defines a "troll" as "Someone who posts to a newsgroup, bulletin board, etc., in a way deliberately intended to anger other posters and draw arguments, or otherwise disrupt the group's intended purpose." The term is normally used in reference to disruptive people in on-line discussion groups and chat rooms but can be applied to anyone who posts in a public place on the Internet for the sole purpose of angering or disrupting people who read it.

That is all that person was: someone trying to stir up trouble. So I felt the term was appropriate.

On April 12, 2007 8:08:33 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

Who is this person you called a trol [sic]?

I don't know. They post anonymously.

What did he say to you?

Lies designed specifically to get under my skin (which is what trolls do... see above). Unfortunately, the person who posted them didn't stop to think that the fact that I have character flaws does not make me an idiot. I saw through their lies from day one, and was able to prove they were lies a few days later. I've been managing E-mail groups for 11 years. I know how to spot a troll a mile away.

The lies were the reason I removed their comments. If this person wants to lie on-line, they can do it somewhere else.

Not on my blog.

On April 13, 2007 6:41:00 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

It looks like you upset a lot of people by calling this unknown person a trol. [sic]

Actually, I've only "upset" one. This person is trying to make it look like several people by posting several separate comments, but it's definitely the same person. I can't prove it, but there is a mountain of circumstantial evidence that it's all from the same individual. The most obvious clues:

1. They consistently make the exact same grammatical and spelling mistakes.
2. The comments arrive in a cluster, frequently within minutes of each other.
   
3. They all say basically the same thing.

When the troll reads this, I'm sure they'll now try to cover up those pitfalls, just as they stopped writing in ALL CAPS when I called them on that earlier. Doesn't matter, though. They've already made too many mistakes. I'm onto them big time. :P

I will acknowledge that I've been pretty obsessive compulsive in my postings of late, but I freely acknowledge I have a little OCD. In my experience, everyone is obsessive compulsive about something, somewhere in their lives. This troll, for example, is obsessive compulsive about trying to get under my skin.

The problem is, I'm smarter than them. At this point, I'm finding this more entertaining than annoying. I'll string them along so long as it remains entertaining, then shut them down when I tire of it. ;)

I don't know what a trol [sic] is up there where you come from, but a trol [sic] is a monster that lives under a bridge.

According to Wiktionary, it can also be:

Noun
troll (plural trolls)
1 An instance of trolling, especially, in fishing, the trailing of a baited line.
2 (internet) Someone who posts to a newsgroup, bulletin board, etc., in a way deliberately intended to anger other posters and draw arguments, or otherwise disrupt the group's intended purpose.
3 (internet) Such a deliberately inflammatory post itself.
4 (gay slang) A relatively unappealing older man who seeks out the company of younger men.

I'm using it in the sense of meaning 2.

Hey! I didn't know meaning 3, though! Cool! OK, then. That means you are a troll (for posting comments just to try to annoy me) and your comment in and of itself is a troll!

You learn something new every day. ;)

Actually, now that I think about it, meaning 1 sort of applies, since your postings are, in effect, similar to trolling a fishing line hoping I'll "take the bait," so to speak. Well, I've been taking it because this is the most fun I've had on my blog since... well, ever. I love it when I can make someone show their true colors just by giving them enough rope to hang themselves... :P

You better get your facts straignt [sic] before you use words that you do not know any thing about.

I agree. So I suggest you go to Wiktionary and check out the meanings yourself. Get your facts straight.
When you do the search, just be sure to spell it right... "troll" has two "Ls." :P

On April 13, 2007 9:35:27 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

Have you ever seen a picture of [the mythical creature called] a trol? [sic]

Yes. My favorite depictions of them are in Brian Froud's Faeries.

Have you ever looked up the meaning of a trol [sic] in the dictionary.

Yes. That's why I know how to spell it (see above). :P

Have you ever been institutionalized in a psychiatric hospital?

No. Have you?

Any more questions? :P

NEWS FLASH

I've removed that Anonymous comment from that troll that was trying to tell me Riin was in a new relationship. This excerpt, from a recent entry on Riin's blog, is why:

I’d like to have another relationship some day (not for a while, I need to clear this baggage out of my head first) . . .

So Riin, whom I know is incapable of lying, has confirmed it unequivocally: she is not in a relationship right now. This is proof positive that "Anonymous" was lying about her. Even after everything, I still love her, and I refuse to allow anyone to spread falsehoods about someone I love.

She Stole My Color Scheme! :P

You know, every time I mention anyone in a blog entry, I prefer to link their name back to something that tells a little bit about them so, if a new reader happens across my blog, they can click on the person's name to get a little background and know who I'm talking about.

Every time I mention Lisa, though, I've never had anything to link her name to. Every time I mention her in an entry, before I post it, I always turn and ask her if she's created any new web pages, blogs etc. I can link to. Her answer has always been no...

Until today.

Lisa finally has a blog! As of this writing, it's still pretty bare bones (she only set it up at 5:00 this morning while I was in bed), but at least now I have something to link back to when she comes up here (speaking of which, click on her name above to see her new on-line home ;)).

I like the color scheme she chose... it looks strangely familiar, though... :P

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On April 13, 2007 6:54:49 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

Oh boo hoo, she stoled [sic] your color scheme, are you a man or a mouse?or [sic] are you on something? maybe [sic] you are back drinking. I really think that is your problem.

Normally, I wouldn't bother publishing childishness like this. However, Lisa was sitting next to me while I was moderating comments and, when she saw me go to reject it, she said: "I'd like to say something about that." So I imagine she'll be adding a comment here when I turn the computer back over to her...

OK, Lisa. The floor is yours. ;)

Show and Tell

I'd like to address Riin about things she said about me in her last blog posting:

I have a lot of negative feelings toward John, but I don’t see any need to subject you all to them.

I agree. So why not subject me to them? I'm the one you're angry with. You'll feel a lot better if you confront me with them.

I’ll just say I’ve figured out a lot, so it’s been a learning experience.

So have I. I'm not the same man you left a month ago.

That's why I think we need to talk.

I’m just so much happier without him. It really is amazing how unhappy he was making me.

You know, you're not the only one who was unhappy. I've made mistakes, yes, but it wasn't all me. I had my issues with you, too. I don't think it's fair that you continue to trumpet how unhappy I made you without taking any responsibility for your part in this (relationships that go this bad invariably do so because of mistakes made on both sides).

You say this was a learning experience for you. Why is it so hard for you to believe that it might have been a learning experience for me, too? All you have to do is read this blog to see many of the revelations I've come to over the past month. Writing here has been therapeutic for me, just as writing in private has been to you. I'm willing to bet I've learned just as much.

All I'm asking is for you to talk to me. See for yourself if I've learned anything. Maybe, just maybe, between what you learned and what I learned, we might find the basis for a new understanding between us. Or maybe we won't. But if we don't even try, something good could be thrown away, and we'd never know it. Regardless how it comes out, we lose nothing by talking.

We were happy once. For two years. If we lasted that long, we must've had something special. At the very least, the basis of a friendship.

Before you throw us away completely, at least give us the benefit of the doubt.

A Sobering Experience

While I was waiting in line at Subway at lunch today, I had a surprisingly disturbing experience.

The lineup was long. There was a guy behind me in line. He recognized one of his friends further ahead in line and asked him if he remembered talking to him last night. His friend looked befuddled. He wasn't sure. It wasn't until I listened to a bit more of the conversation (it was hard to miss with these two guys shouting back and forth past me) that I gathered that this guy's friend was totally plastered the night before and apparently remembered very little.

As the conversation progressed, I found myself actually shuddering at what I was hearing. These guys were actually laughing about how little this guy could remember about the conversation. From the way they were talking, it sounded like this was a regular occurrence for these guys, as if this is the way they spent every weekend.

I used to be a heavy drinker. Listening to these guys was even harder for me because I heard just a little too much of me in them.

When I was a young adult, I never thought I'd ever drink. My father was an alcoholic. I didn't want to take the chance that I might end up one. However, the drinking culture is huge in Nova Scotia and particularly in Cape Breton. The conversation I heard was not the first time I've heard such conversations. I hear them every day from people of all ages everywhere I go. Getting blotto until you can't remember your own name is a common weekend activity here.

One day many years ago, a friend of mine talked me into trying some of his homemade beer. It was delicious. I ended up developing a taste for beer. Still, I didn't have very much money back then and didn't have much opportunity to drink, so it pretty harmless at that point.

It wasn't until I got my first real job, canvassing for Greenpeace, that I started on my downward spiral. The guys on the Greenpeace team were "classic" Cape Bretoners. The job was stressful (Greenpeace isn't exactly popular around here, so door-to-door canvassing was often tough). Being the stereotypical Cape Bretoners, they dealt with that stress by literally getting blasted the moment they came back from almost every night of work...

I got drunk for the first time with them. I was drinking draught. I didn't even realize it was happening. I was just thirsty, so I kept drinking glass after glass after glass... until I couldn't even stand and ended up sick as a dog for most of the night.

The problem was, despite that, I was having fun with these people. Prior to that, I never understood why people drank. It seemed pointless to me. I preferred to stay in control of my faculties. After the Greenpeace experience, however, I started to see how much "fun" drinking could be.

But it wasn't the drinking that was fun. I realize, looking back on it now, that it was the people that were fun. They were some of the most fun people I've ever hung out with. They were a great bunch of people. They made you feel like you mattered. They made you feel wanted. They just made you feel good. I felt good just seeing them when I went to work long before I took drink one.

Unfortunately, however, the connection of drinking=fun had been made in my brain... and, as my earlier post Time for Change demonstrates, once an idea gets into my head, it can have a tendency to take deep root...

When I started work where I work now, it only reinforced this perception. I work at a call center and, whenever I'm out on the production floor, I can't get through the day without hearing someone talking about getting a two-four and getting tanked over the weekend. Plus, in the beginning, Lisa and I used to attend a lot of the company parties, and there was plenty of drinking at them, too. I got knocked on my a** more than once at those parties...

While working there, I had a serious falling out with a dear friend. It was a lot like the situation I'm in with Riin today, and just as serious. I never thought she and I would ever speak again. Fortunately, by being patient and never giving up, I was finally able to reach her and work things out. Today, she's one of the dearest people in the world to me. However, back then, the pain of losing her friendship was just as crippling as what I'm going through now.

Back then, I turned to alcohol to numb the pain. I was constantly depressed and at least, once I got enough drinks into me, for a while I forgot about the pain. I just laughed and stumbled around my apartment, pestering the life out of Lisa with a sting of horrible puns or jokes (I get really goofy when I've been drinking) or calling my friends and making a total a** of myself telling the same jokes over and over again...

Of course, drinking every weekend to forget the pain allowed a lot of other things to go to hell in a hand basket. My apartment turned into such a housekeeping disaster that, even today, it's never fully recovered. I just can't get it clean the way it used to be. Fortunately, Lisa's stepfather, bless his soul, has offered to help us get it cleaned up properly and, once it is, I'm never letting it get like this again. I haven't even been able to have guests over in years... :(

By the time I met Riin, my drinking had become a weekend ritual of sorts. Every weekend, I'd do pretty much the same thing: go the movies on Friday night and Saturday afternoon, get blasted Saturday night and "recover" on Sunday. Even after I joined Velo Cape Breton and started riding my bike on the weekends, I'd be riding on Saturday morning and I'd still get blasted that night, then end up having to do my Sunday ride with a hangover.

Basically, I didn't have time to actually do anything with my life because I was spending most of my free time watching movies and getting drunk. I can't even remember how many incidents I had where I couldn't remember anything about the night before during that period of my life...

When Riin met me, she saw this pattern. She knew I was in trouble. The problem is, I couldn't see it. She tried so hard to tell me how bad drinking was for me. She bombarded me with studied on the harm of alcohol (she does work in a medical library, so she has access to plenty of studies on all health topics that the average person doesn't). The problem was, I didn't see it as a problem at the time, so I resented her trying to hard to "change me."

In fact, the first time she tried to leave me, one of the things I did to convince her to stay was to promise to stop drinking. That made a huge difference. That's probably what reversed her decision that very first time. The problem was, I kept my word at first, but I ended up resenting her for it and ended up backsliding. I didn't return to binge drinking right away, but I did return to drinking three or four beers on the weekend.

The second time Riin tried to leave me (which was the event that prompted the Time for Change posting), I almost went back to my old pattern. I attended a Velo Cape Breton event that night and started drinking. I got to five drinks before I got a call about a family emergency and had to leave. If I hadn't got that call, I probably would have gotten totally sloshed. Just like before. Drink to forget the pain.

After that, since I'd already broken my word, anyway, I figured I might as well go whole hog. When a friend of mine came down from away, we went to another friend's place and I bought an eight pack of Molson Canadian Cold Shots and a two-four of regular Canadian. That was the last time I ever got drunk. I can only barely remember the ride home and they told me about me saying stuff that night that I can't even remember now...

It was what happened a few days later that finally shocked the point home for me. I was in the grocery store and ran into the daughter of one of my friends. She asked me, "Do you remember me calling and saying hi to you when you were at Dad's?"

I didn't remember. Not at all.

That hurt me really badly. I care a lot about her. She's a cool kid. I couldn't believe I couldn't remember her talking to me that night. I felt like total crap. Even on my worst nights, that had never happened before. Not that I didn't forget things that happened, but I never forgot entire encounters with people like that, particularly not people I care about.

That's when I finally realized I had a problem. So this time, I made a promise to myself that I knew I could keep, and I made it for myself, not for Riin, so there would be no resentment: I promised myself never to drink more than two drinks in a night again. Ever.

And I haven't. Not once since that day. And I know I never will again.

Now, you're probably wondering, "Well, what makes this time different from the last time? How do you know you won't do it again?" Legitimate questions. Unfortunately, I don't have a definite answer for the first one... but I do have an answer for the second one.

I'm not an idiot. I haven't deluded myself into believing Riin and I are going to get back together. I'm continuing to keep up hope, not because I expect things to improve, but because my principles say that if I give up completely, I'm saying that Riin isn't worth anything to me. I cannot say that. I can respect her space, but I cannot give up hope. That doesn't mean, however, that I haven't recognized the situation for what it is: a Kobayashi Maru.

That being said, as far as Riin is concerned, there's no longer any reason not to drink. It doesn't matter. I remember the first night I thought that. I was at the movies to see Shut Up and Sing. I thought to myself, "I'm going to get some beer and get blasted to forget this terrible pain." I was looking forward to that.

I walked home that night. On my way, when I got to the Prince and George Street intersection, I glanced to my left down to where the liquor store was, intending to start towards it.

I felt instantly repulsed at the very idea.

That's the way I've felt ever since that night. The only times I've been in the liquor store since was when picking up rum for Lisa, who does still drink. Every time I go in there, I feel the same revulsion at the sight, sound and smell of the place. I just don't want to go in there. I only do it because I promised Lisa she wouldn't have to quit just because I did. However, if I never had to go in there ever again, I wouldn't miss it. Not at all.

I can't tell you why I feel this way. All I can tell you is that now, as I am today, the very idea of taking just one drink, never mind getting drunk, just makes me sick to my stomach. I'm feeling that nausea even now as I write this.

I haven't had so much as a single drink since that night. Not one. I feel no resentment that I can't drink. I can. I just don't want to. In fact, I feel relieved. Drinking wasted my time. Drinking wasted my money. I don't want it anymore. Ever.

Of everyone in my life, I think Riin was hurt more by my drinking than anyone else. I only wish I could tell Riin she was right. I only wish I could thank her for trying to put me on the right path, because I think she was a big part of what finally got me over it. I couldn't have done it without her. I know that.

But, most importantly, I only wish I could tell her how sorry I am for letting my drinking hurt her. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am for going back on my word. My promise to stop drinking was the only time, in all the time we were together, that I ever went back on my word.

I just wish I could have a moment, particularly after all she tried to do to help me, to apologize to her for all that and let her know that her effort wasn't in vain: she set me free.

Even if I could tell her, though, she probably wouldn't believe me...

I wouldn't blame her...

I still wish I could say it, anyway. After all she's been through with me, she deserves it.

Response to Riin's Comment

For the first time, Riin made a direct comment on her blog about me. I feel I have a right to respond to it. Although I would technically prefer to respond with a comment to her blog (since that's where it appears), I cannot as I promised I wouldn't and I'm a man of my word.

I found when I googled “stalking” the description fit what he was doing exactly.

Right after she made her accusation of stalking, I did the same search. It was the Wikipedia's entry on stalking I found most useful. When I read it, I certainly can't deny that I did do some of the things listed there. I even admitted as such in my earlier posting, Tactical Alert.

However, one thing that article said that caught my attention was: "the perpetrator may or may not have malicious intent."

IMHO, if a person genuinely does not have any malicious intent, then he or she is not a "stalker." Myself, I was simply making every effort, in a bad situation, to try to communicate with someone I love. I don't think it's fair to lump good people who are simply making an effort to reach someone they love to work things out as "stalkers." I explain my position on that in my earlier posting, No Justice.

Riin has a tendency, the moment she sees something in print, to immediately take it as fact and take the information completely out of context without considering the bigger picture. In this case, she's talking about someone (me) who has no criminal record of any kind. There's a reason I don't have a criminal record: I have never hurt anyone. For someone to slap a label like "stalker" on me just because some website told them to is just crazy.

I think what she's really doing here is leveraging the "stalker" label just to get her way.

I’m now very glad he lives very far away. I finally told him to stop calling me, emailing me and leaving comments on my blog (he was doing all three frequently and you didn’t even see the nauseatingly mushy comments I deleted) . . .

Again, I already described how "frequently" I called and E-mailed her in my earlier posting. Anyone who'd like to see the actual correspondence is still welcome to see it. Just ask. I have nothing to hide.

When I first read "very glad he lives very far away," I thought for a moment that Riin was afraid of me. It's possible she might well be, but having known her for three years, the next part of what she says strongly suggests otherwise when she comments on the "nauseatingly mushy comments" I made (incidentally, she used to love comments like that). From what I know of Riin, that sounds more like anger than fear.

That being said, I personally think that's what all this is really about. She's angry, and when she gets angry, she gets unreasonable, not to mention irrational. For example, threatening to call the police on someone 2500 km away who hasn't made any threats and has no criminal record is just ludicrous. The police would probably just laugh her right off the phone, and rightfully so.

I had a genuine online stalker once years ago. He was making veiled threats, but the police weren't able to do a thing because I hadn't saved any of the "threatening" correspondence. The only piece of correspondence I did save was a message he "mail bombed" me with (he sent 37,000 duplicates of it to my E-mail account). However, since that message merely said "I love you," the police could not consider it a threat and could do nothing.

Even if Riin saved every word of my correspondence, I have not made any threats. The police would undoubtedly tell her the same thing they told me in my situation.

I stopped contacting her not because I was afraid of police involvement but because I want to respect her wishes. Until then, she hadn't told me not to contact her. In fact, although she offered no hope of rekindling our original relationship, she did say that we would probably eventually be friends again. She didn't "slam the door" on me until later when she sent me that threat, which came as a complete surprise.

This isn't about me being a stalker. This is about Riin being angry and not wanting to have to deal with me. It's the same thing she's done to many people before me. When she's angry, she doesn't care how the other person feels. All that matters is how she feels and she doesn't care how hard she stomps on someones heart so long as she gets her point across.

So why don't I give up? Because I know why she's doing that. I know her history. I know where her pain is coming from. I know she doesn't really want to hurt anyone. She's just tired of hurting herself, so she pushes away people who love her because it's too painful for her to deal with when things get rough. When things are rough, love is painful and she doesn't want to deal with it.

The problem with that is, though, is that she ends up hurting the people who love her along the way...

He’s probably still hoping I’ll “come to my senses some day” or some stupid crap. I came to my senses when I finally got up enough strength to dump him.

Partially true. I think, one day, she will start to miss what we had but, like she did when she first fell in love with me, she'll suppress those feelings. So, will she "come to her senses?" Probably not. Not on her own, anyway and, unfortunately, right now there's no one there who can help her see the other side of the equation.

So right now, unless fate intervenes, things are not likely to change.

---

On April 3rd at 10:22 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

You don't seem to be a monster or a stalker . . .

I'm glad you recognize that because that means I've been explaining myself well.

. . . however you picture looks scary!

LOL! Geez... most people think I look sad in that picture. Riin herself, in our happier days, said that I looked like "part of my soul was missing" in that picture.

[B]ased on her comments on her blog she looks like she is turning her back on some if not all the good times shared with you in the past. To give up this easy is fishy! Something is going on . . .

You're not the first person to think there's something she's not telling me. I agree. Most people think she's found someone else. I don't think that's it. I'm not saying it's not possible, but we were polyamorous, so she could have pursued, even had, someone else without ever having to leave me. Besides, if she did have someone else, she probably would have mentioned it on her blog by now. I suspect there's something else I don't know about here...

[S]he should be ashamed how she threw away something that seemed so good so easy wihtout any remorse.

Well, in all fairness to her, we don't really know if she's experiencing any remorse. Just because she's putting up an angry, brave front on her blog doesn't mean she isn't feeling some remorse privately. If she is, she'd probably never admit it because to do so would be to admit that she might be making a mistake and, if Riin has one big fault, it's a difficulty in admitting when she's wrong...

If I had to guess based on what I know of her, she probably is feeling at least some remorse (we had a lot of good times... she wouldn't be Human if she didn't feel at least a little regret) but, as I've mentioned before, she's probably denying it to herself, just as she denied her love for me in the beginning.

I dated a few guys in my life and parted ways either by my decision or theirs but at least we remained friends! In this case she is not giving you the time or day and is labelling you as a stalker per sey!

Exactly. The least she could do, after nearly three years together, is talk to me. Instead, she's decided to leverage society's paranoia with stalkers to get her way without having to have a rational, adult discussion with me about what's really bothering her.

The problem with that is, if you've ever tried doing a Google search on "stalker," you'll find that the advice most often given to victims of stalking is to cut all ties with the stalker and offer no explanation, which is exactly what she's doing. Personally, I think Riin needed to convince herself I am a stalker so she could justify cutting me off at the knees without making herself look like the bad guy.

That's my theory, anyway.

She deserves not to speak about or too you in the future! Shame on her...

I appreciate your support but, in all fairness, I don't believe that Riin deserves such a harsh admonishment.

There are some who have been following my story here that actually agree with Riin that I am a stalker. I feel that their assessment is unfair insofar as they're passing judgment on me on the basis of this one event in my life without knowing anything else about me. They don't know anything about the relationship. They don't know anything about the circumstances under which it ended. It's not fair to judge if you haven't been in the other person's shoes.

That door swings both ways. I don't think it's fair for anyone to judge Riin until they've walked in her shoes (or sandals in her case), either. Take it from me. I've seen her heart. She is not a monster any more than I am. Please, don't judge her too harshly. She's just tired of hurting, and, right or wrong, she's just doing the only thing she knows how to stop the pain.

Remember: I wouldn't be so determined to reach her if she really was the monster she's appeared to be this past month...

On April 4th at 9:12 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

Have you ever thought she might of gone back to her husband?

No. That's not possible. Trust me on that.

Honstly, I wish she could, though. I never wanted her to leave him in the first place.

On April 4th at 9:18 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

Riin is so cute . . .

I would have said beautiful. Potayto, potahto, I suppose.

. . . and you are one ugly dude.

Well, that was uncharitable and immature. Still, you didn't call me childish names (as one other commenter insists upon doing) so I'll allow it.

What in Gods name did she see in you? It can't be money because you spend every dime on yourself so maybe she is blind as you are.

Spent every dime on myself? Where did you get that idea?

Maybe you'd better read this earlier posting before you pass judgment on where I spend my money...

A Long Yarny Day

Hm...

For the first time since she broke up with me, Riin actually mentioned the breakup in her most recent post as of this writing, A Long Yarny Day.

So, it seems that she's done taking time for herself. That's good. At least that means she's recovering emotionally. What this will mean for our relationship, however, is anyone's guess.

I'd like to hope that, as she recovers, she'll start to miss what we had and reconsider her position. However, I can't bear to hope that as I've hoped that in the past and had my hopes dashed into a million pieces shortly thereafter. Besides, I know Riin. Even if she does start to miss me, she'll just suppress those feelings, just as she suppressed her feelings of love for me in the beginning and, chances are, she'll never let them out if left to her own devices.

That's the frustrating thing. Normally, I'd be the one helping her through this, but she won't even let me speak to her...

I just wish I could help... and I know I could, if only I could reach her. I know exactly how to make her feel better. I always did. Problem is, I got so selfish and self-centered that I spent too much time talking about my own feelings and not enough time considering hers.

I want to reach out to her... but I know my hands would only be slapped away... and I think it's the fact that I can't help her that hurts just as much, if not more, than the loss of her.

Also, one last thing I'd like to mention. My original life partner, Lisa Brewer, has been through a lot since Riin broke up with me, too. She loved her, too, and she's just as hurt as I am, not to mention angry with Riin over the way she's handled this and how she's hurt me in the process. I'd just like to say thank you, Lisa, for sticking by me through this. I wouldn't know how to survive this without you. *HUG*

I love you both. I always will.

No Justice

You know, I was talking to a friend last night about all this mess I've been going through lately, particularly the threats Riin made recently (see Tactical Alert). I was ranting about how, in this day and age, even the best of men can't even try to patch things up in a damaged relationship anymore because, if the woman starts yelling "Stalker! Stalker!" he's labeled as one immediately whether he deserves the label or not. My friend's response made me pause:

As far as society is concerned, if a person feels harassed, they are. It doesn't matter if it's true or not. When it comes to stuff like this, you're guilty until proven innocent.

"Guilty until proven innocent." Hearing those words sent shivers up my spine, not only because they were so true, but because this is exactly the kind of crap that Riin usually rants about. She goes so far as to call our culture "Mentally Ill" and even has a section of her blog dedicated to rants about society's woes.

I can't believe she's actually using a flaw in our culture to get her way. Seems a bit hypocritical to me...

If Riin were here, at this juncture she'd undoubtedly point out, "Well, I grew up in this culture. It's hard not to be affected by it." She's said that to me before. OK... but that doesn't make it right.

"Guilty until proven innocent" is the motto under which the Salem witch trials were conducted. The Salem witch trials are considered one of the universal historical examples of what happens when people are falsely accused of crimes and are assumed guilty without giving their side a fair hearing. McCarthyism is another, more recent historical example of the same dangerous mindset.

Both McCarthyism and the Salem witch trials do have one thing in common. Both started as a result of problems in society which society in general was afraid of. As public fear of these problems continued to build, a mob mentality developed. Eventually, people got so scared of witches and communists that they wanted to get rid of them now, so they stopped taking the time to find out the truth...

In effect, society wanted to get rid of these problems so badly that swift punishment became more important than whether the party was guilty or not. In the process, many innocent people were swept away in the tide (like these victims of McCarthyism, for example).

How can I, or any man in my situation for that matter, ever hope to get a fair chance to express a viewpoint if it means being labelled the "bad guy" before word one?

Right now, it would seem that my options are extremely limited, as much by society as by her. I have no choice right now but to back off. I have not given up on Riin. I need to make that clear. I still think the Riin I fell in love with is inside that "swirling mass" in her head somewhere. I just need to reach her. At this moment in time, however, there is no way for me to do that. She, and society, have slammed her door with an adamant bang.

I guess I can only hope that either she eventually sees the truth on her own, or that someone she trusts can help her see it.

Either way, my door will remain (cautiously) open to her.

Tactical Alert!

Normally, I don't publish people's private correspondence without their permission. However, as this particular correspondence doesn't contain anything particularly private, I'll make an exception.

I just got the following E-mail from Riin when I got home from work tonight:

---

From: riin@riinsrants.info
Subject: Re: Sorry
Date: March 20, 2007 10:52:04 AM ADT
To: gelfling@syd.eastlink.ca

On Mon, March 19, 2007 10:53 pm, John A. Ardelli wrote:

> I'm sorry if my comment to your blog offended you in some way. It
> wasn't meant to. I genuinely just want to let you know I'm here if you
> need me.
>
> I love you.

Look, you need to understand I don't need you. I don't love you anymore.
I told you to get out of my life. I don't want you to contact me anymore.
Don't call me. Don't email me. Don't put comments on my blog. If you
continue to do so even though I've told you not to, it's harassment. It's
classic stalker behavior. Stop it or I'll call the police.

---

I'm publishing this here because I am firm in my belief that I did not deserve it. Yes, of course I was trying hard to reach her, but I wasn't bombarding her with messages. According to my archives, I've only sent her five E-mails, including the two quoted here, since March 6. In none of those messages did I make any kind of threat against her. All I did was talk about how all this was making me feel and encourage her to contact me if she wanted. That's it.

Yes, I was leaving comments on her blog. Why not? Her blog is public space and, until tonight, she never told me not to. She removed two of them (where I actually told her I loved her), but other than that, she left them up. I had no way of knowing she didn't want me to comment at all.

Yes, I did E-mail several people she knew, trying to find help reaching her, but each person, unless they replied, was only E-mailed once. I wasn't bombarding people with E-mails, either.

I don't deny any of that. My point is, none of it, IMHO, justified threatening me with police action. None of my E-mails or postings to her blog were threatening in any way. I don't threaten people because I don't hurt people. I don't even have a criminal record of any kind, and that's why. Anyone who knows me knows it's not in my nature to hurt or threaten people. All I was trying to do is express how I was feeling, and we all have a right to do that.

I keep archives of all my correspondence. If anyone would like to see the E-mails themselves, I'll be happy to provide them and you can see for yourself. There's very little in them I haven't already said in the blog here, anyway.

It's important that all this be public record because there is a potential problem: before I got the above E-mail, I sent her a gift from Amazon. By the time I got this, it had already shipped. I just sent her this E-mail to explain:

---

From: gelfling@syd.eastlink.ca
Subject: FINAL E-mail... but URGENT
Date: March 20, 2007 7:46:38 PM ADT
To: riin@riinsrants.info

I will abide by your wishes.

However, be advised, I ordered you a gift on Sunday BEFORE I got your E-mail. It's ALREADY SHIPPED. No FURTHER gifts will be sent, but THAT one I CANNOT stop (I tried).

Please acknowledge (given your threat, I need to make SURE you're aware of this).

John A. Ardelli
http://pedalingprince.blogspot.com

---

So, in case she calls the police when she gets that E-mail (or the package), I can just point them to this posting.

I'd like to say I still love her... but I don't know. I still love who I thought she was... but the woman I thought she was would never hurt me like this... maybe the woman I loved... never existed... :(

I guess only time will tell. If it turns out that the loving Riin Gill I fell in love with never existed, well... I guess I'll have to grieve the death of a dream and move on. If she does exist, and some day returns realizing she made a mistake, well... I'm still willing to talk this out but, after this experience, I'm going to polarize the hull plating first... my heart can't withstand another direct, undefended hit like that... :(

I only wish I could hold her in my arms, just one last time... :(

As Forrest Gump always says: "That's all I have to say about that."

Evolution of Understanding

Often, in any situation where things get really screwed up (like what's happening between Riin and I now), I often wonder what I'd do with a time machine. If I could go back in time to before this mess happened and give advice to Riin on how to handle or avoid it, what would I say?

The irony is, when I thought about it, it occurred to me... even if I had a time machine, if I ran into Riin in the past, I probably would tell her to do exactly what she's been doing.

Yes. That's right. I would have told her to put me through all this. Not that I would have advised her to leave me per se. What I would have advised her was to make me believe she was leaving me, even if she had to lie to do it. Why? Because breaking away from me completely was probably the only way I was ever going to gain enough distance to see what she was trying so hard to tell me.

I was looking through my postings over the last few days and realized that my feelings about, and understanding of, this situation has gone through quite an evolution.

First, I Think I'll Eat Some Cookies. This posting started life as a comment to Riin's original blog entry announcing our breakup. At that point, I was too consumed with the sense of unfairness of the situation and felt I had a right to voice my point of view. When Riin took the comment off her blog, I turned it into this blog entry. I was also desperately trying to reach her, E-mailing and talking to everyone I could think of I thought might be able to help me.

Because I was so caught up in how unjust I thought Riin was being, that posting basically just screamed, NO FAIR, NO FAIR, NO FAIR!!! The whole thing just kept chastising her because she wouldn't talk to me and she is giving up too soon. No wonder Riin didn't want to keep it on her blog. Who wants to be chastised in public on their own blog? :(

When I read the posting now, I can't help but feel bad about it. Not that it comes off as mean per se, but it doesn't say anything positive, either. It goes on and on and on about "I made this mistake and she made that one etc." I was so focussed on making my points that I didn't stop to think that shoving someone's mistakes in their face does not encourage constructive discussion. I know. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, collected the beenie baby...

In fairness to Riin, I wasn't thinking of her when I was thinking about all the times my mistakes were thrown in my face. I was thinking of experiences growing up. I love my uncle and my late grandmother, but they spent a lot more time telling me what was wrong with me than what was right. It got to the point where I eventually wouldn't show anything I did to Nana, particularly if I was proud of it, because I knew she'd just find fault with it...

So I can understand how she felt, and why she didn't want to keep my comments on her blog. In fact, if she was to tell me now that she wants me to take that blog posting down, I would do it without hesitation. In fact, the only reason I'm keeping it now is to keep the link to it in this posting live so people coming into this blog for the first time can see what I'm talking about. But if she asked me to take it down now, I would.

One interesting thing that appears in that entry, though. I said, "I don't think there's any hope of her moving here anymore." Even then, I think my mind was trying to tell me what the real problem was, but again I couldn't see it. I still thought that she didn't want to move to Canada because she was fighting with me. It never occurred to me that it might be the other way around... not at that point...

Anyway, the day after I wrote that posting, I saw Shut Up & Sing at the Cape Breton Island Film Series. It was all about the events that provided the genesis for Dixie Chicks' "I'm Not Ready to Make Nice." I'd heard the song on many occasions and always loved the melody, but it wasn't until I heard it in the movie, when my attention was focused directly on the song and its lyrics, that I realized how much the lyrics reminded me of this situation with Riin...

That provided the inspiration for my next posting, "It's Like The Dixie Chicks Said." In a way, the song provides the transition from my first level of understanding to the next. The song starts out talking about being pissed off and not being able to see past ones anger to "make nice." Then, the song asks the question: "Why can't you just get over it?" Riin asked me virtually the same question, so that got me pondering that.

When I started exploring my feelings, I realized that the main reason I can't get over Riin is because of how much I've evolved and improved as a person since I've known her. That's the point when I realized that that was what I should have been focusing on from the beginning. No one wants to stay in a relationship that's full of nothing but mistakes, but if a relationship actually benefits you, that's worth staying in.

So I started thinking about all the things that Riin has improved about herself with my encouragement and guidance. The tone of this posting from that point on was like night and day compared to the last one. I'd gone from talking about what was wrong with the relationship and finally started to talk about what was right with it.

I came away from that feeling pretty good, relatively speaking. I was (and still am) still miserable without Riin, but at least now I feel like, if and when she talks to me again, there is a way forward that might actually put us on the road to healing. That was a good feeling.

Then came the night when I was browsing Riin's blog and decided on a whim to click on her "100 Things" list and I saw the statement she made about how she doesn't want to move to Canada because, however she felt about the United States, "after living [in Ann Arbor] for 19 years, it’s home."

That hit me like a ton of bricks. My mood immediately crashed. That's what she tried to tell me that night, and I was too consumed in a forest fire of panic to hear what she was saying.

Normally, when Riin and I have a conflict over something that's been bothering her for a long time, I generally say to her, "Well, why didn't you just tell me?" Well, I can't tell her that this time. She did tell me... and I didn't hear her. :(

That is why I wouldn't change anything, at least up to this point, if I had a time machine. I needed the shock of all this to see the truth. As I've said, when there is a problem, I tend to grab on like a dog on a bone and won't let go until it's solved. In the process, sometimes I get so close to a situation that I can no longer see the big picture.

If I had a time machine, what I would do is tell Riin to leave me for a while then, when I'm ready, give us a chance. I won't say "another" chance, because that implies restoring our relationship to the way it was, including her plans to move to Canada. No. I would suggest she give us a chance to build a new relationship which is meant to be long distance. No more plans to move. Just enjoy each other's love and, when we have the chance, our company.

Of course, if I had a time machine, maybe I'd go back in time and warn myself about all this before it happens in the first place. I'd say to myself:

"She's going to tell you she doesn't want to move to Canada. It's not because she doesn't love you. It's just that, after 19 years of living in Ann Arbor, it's home to her now. I know this hurts you because I know you've been looking forward to her moving here, but remember that you never expected her to move in the beginning. Just because she's not moving doesn't mean she loves you any less. She doesn't have to live with you to love you."

If I didn't listen to myself, then I'd go back to Riin and tell her to pretend to leave me, then come back when I finally figured out the truth on my own.

If only the breakup were only a lie to smarten me up. I usually hate it when someone lies to me, but since there was no other way to teach me, that's one lie I would forgive...

Unfortunately, I don't have a time machine. I can't warn myself, and Riin meant it when she left me.

I would give anything right now to talk to her. I think mostly she left me because she thought, if she stayed with me, it meant she'd have to leave Ann Arbor. I wish so much I could tell her now she doesn't. I'll love her, and will always love her, whether she lives 2500 meters away, or 2500 kilometers way.

I know we can't be together forever,
Our worlds forever apart,
But I'm willing to wait by the gate to her world
For the strength of love in my heart.

I'll always be near that gate, Riin, waiting for you to visit... or waiting for my chance to visit you. In the times in between, my love, that special place in my heart for you, will always be here.

You know, when I think back, I realize that most of the stress that was causing me to lash out at you was over your move to Canada. Now that I've accepted the fact that you will not be moving, I no longer feel that stress. All my anger is gone. All I have left now is the pain in my soul. A piece of my soul is missing. It's the piece you took with you when you left.

I know you have no reason to trust me right now, but I'm reaching out to you. Please, let me help you heal your pain, just like I did three years ago when we met, and fell in love for the first time. Now that I'm free of my resentment and anger, I'm free to be the man you fell in love with again.

I'm not asking you to give me another chance. I'm asking you to give us a chance at a whole new relationship. Somehow, our old relationship became all about the move. It should have never been about the move. It should have been, as all good relationships are, about the love.

You don't have to leave home, Riin. Ann Arbor is your home. But, your heart also has a home... here in my heart, with me.

Your body is home... and your heart's home is all warm and ready for you, when it's ready to return...

I love you.

Dawn Tomorrow

I'm not sure what it was, but something made me look at Riin's "100 things" list last night. I'm not sure why. I hardly ever look at it. I already know her so well that, when I do look at it, I just keep thinking, "I knew that... yeah, I knew that, too..." Since I had no reason to think she had changed anything in it, I'm not sure what made me go to it now. But I did.

As I skimmed to the bottom, I spotted these:

96 For years it has seemed to me that the US government has been trying to turn the US into a third world country. When the events of Abu Ghraib were made public, I felt I could no longer live in the US and started looking into how I could move to Canada.
97 After I finally saved almost enough money to apply for permanent residence, I realized I really didn’t want to leave Ann Arbor. After living here for 19 years, it’s home.

The latter one made me profoundly sad, but not because I was sorry Riin wasn't moving to Canada. It makes me sad because only now am I realizing she said that to me, almost word for word, that awful night she broke up with me... and I didn't hear her. Not at all. I was too consumed with my own pain to hear what she was trying so hard to tell me. :(

The thing was, for three years I'd been looking forward to the day she moved here to be with Lisa and I. It was just too much for me to take in all at once. I got overwhelmed and panicked. To make matters worse, Riin tried to tell me she was sorry, because she knew how much what she was saying was hurting me. Instead of accepting her apology, I lashed out at her. I accused her of throwing away our love.

But it wasn't about our love at all. It was about the prospect of having to abandon everything she knows.

I wish there was some way to tell her how sorry I really am for hurting her like I did... :(

While I was thinking about this at work today, I couldn't help feeling like I'd somehow spent all this time trying to stuff Riin into a jar or a cage...

The moment that thought occurred to me, an image of a beautiful elfin woman imprisoned in a cage suddenly came to me. As I mentioned in my previous post, Rage Against the Chains, a vivid image like that generally heralds a poem to come pouring out of me. Still sitting at my station on the dialing floor, I grabbed a pen and paper and started scribbling furiously. This is what ultimately came out:

---

Dawn Tomorrow

A Poem by John A. Ardelli


A piece of my heart is lost in her world,
And it brings me joy, not sorrow,
For the door to the world where my wood nymph lives
Opens at dawn tomorrow.

The beautiful nymph came to my world
And wanted to stay with me.
She wanted to be at one with my world
So our beautiful love could be.

But as she toiled to cast the spell to leave
Forever her beautiful land,
A pain in her heart began to grow.
A pain I could not understand.

Afraid that her love for me was dying,
I built a cage to keep her with me.
I kept her there, trapped behind bars,
Where her spirit could not roam free.

The longer I kept her away from her world,
The weaker her body became
Until the day I began to see that my nymph
Was simply no longer the same.

Her spirit had withered without the warmth
Of the golden sun of her home.
Weaker and weaker she soon became
As I denied nymph her right to roam.

In time, she became so weak and so frail
She no longer had strength to stand.
I reached into the cage to offer her love,
But she would no longer take my hand.

Finally, I knew what I should have known.
I should have seen it before.
She needs the golden sun of her home,
Or her heart will cease to beat more.

But before I could open the door
To her cage and set the nymph free,
She slipped through the bars, opened the gate to her world,
And ran away from me.

I looked at the cage where I had kept my nymph,
And I felt so profoundly sad.
My love, for her, was not enough.
I did not understand what I had.

The cage for my nymph is there no more.
I had it taken away.
A beautiful home now stands in its place
Where she is welcome to stay.

The door of the home has no lock.
When she wishes, she can always roam free.
Will she consider it a second home?
I can only wait and see.

If she does not come back, when the door to her world
Next opens, I'm packed to go there.
If she does not come, I need to know
If her heart has died of despair.

I cannot let my sweet wood nymph die.
Was it too late to set her free?
I must know if she is safe in her world.
She means everything to me.

I know we can't be together forever,
Our worlds forever apart,
But I'm willing to wait by the gate to her world
For the strength of love in my heart.

A piece of my heart is lost in her world,
And it brings me joy, not sorrow,
For the door to the world where my wood nymph lives
Opens at dawn tomorrow.

For Riin Gill
March 13, 2007

---

When I read it all the way through the first time, I burst into tears. It felt so right. Whether I meant to or not, that's what I've been doing to Riin all along: keeping her in a cage.

It was originally Riin's idea to move to Canada. When we first fell in love, I expected our relationship would always be long distance. The problem was, I was so delighted when Riin said she wanted to move to Canada that I ignored the warning bells that went off in the back of my mind. I think, even in those early days, I knew it wouldn't ultimately happen, but I wanted it to happen so much that I ignored the warnings and encouraged her to do it...

The problem is, after three years of planning for this to happen, I began to think of Riin's coming to Canada as a reflection of how much she loves me. So, when I began to see her resolve to move here start to dissolve, I thought it was her love for me that was dissolving. But it wasn't. Like the wood nymph in the poem, she loved me but she couldn't live a happy life if she left everything she knew behind...

I wrote her an E-mail about this last night. The problem is, I'm not even sure if she's even reading my E-mails right now. I've sent her two since the night she broke up with me, and she has yet to respond to either. For all I know, she may have deleted them without reading them at all. That's why I've been talking about us on the blog so often lately. At least this way, I can put messages out there where she can always come and look at them when she's ready.

Besides. When I state something here, I'm not just stating it to her. I'm stating it, in effect, to the whole world. When I was a child, I'd sometimes try to cover up my mistakes. I never wanted to admit I was wrong. When I make a mistake as an adult, however, I aspire to have enough maturity to be able to stand up and say to the whole world: "Hey. I screwed up. I admit it." That's probably the best reason of all to state my case here in my blog.
I made no mistake falling in love with Riin Gill. She's one of the most beautiful, wonderful people I've ever had the honor to know in my life. My mistake came when I lost sight of the fact that it was Riin Gill's love, not her physical presence, that was the most precious thing about her.

I fell in love with her when she was 2500 km away with no prospects of ever coming here for a visit, never mind move here... and I can still love her, even if she has to stay 2500 km away... because, as beautiful a woman as Riin is, it is her heart in which my love lies, not her body.

Ann Arbor is Riin's home. I accept that. All I really want is her love.

Now, if I ever do find it getting too hard to be so far away from her, I could always move to Windsor. It's right on the Michigan border. I wouldn't even have to deal with immigrating. So long as I had a passport, I could go over and visit her whenever I wanted. Lisa's always wanted to live in a bigger city, anyway. :)

I just want Riin's love back. I miss her. If I have to reconcile myself to the fact that she will always be far away, I'd rather that... than live life without her at all.

Riin, if you're reading this... I'm here whenever you're ready to talk.

I love you.

It's Like The Dixie Chicks Said

You know, there's a song by The Dixie Chicks I've been listening to a lot lately: "I'm Not Ready to Make Nice." The Chicks wrote it as an autobiographical song about all the trouble they've been in since they said they were ashamed that George Bush was from their home state of Texas. When I hear it, however, I could swear they were thinking of Riin and I.

This is pretty much what Riin tells me when I try to get her to talk to me:

I'm not ready to make nice
And this is pretty much how I feel when she refuses to talk this out with me:

I'm not ready to back down
They could be talking about either one of us here. We're both pretty angry and sick of rehashing it:

I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
This, in a nutshell, is pretty much exactly what Riin told me the night of that awful phone call:

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
If Riin was here, this is what I'd say to her:

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and I kind of like it
Yes, Riin, you've turned my whole world around, and I do like it. I'm a radically different person from the one I was when you met me three years ago, and I like who I've become, and who I am becoming, because of you. You bring out the best in me.

I can almost hear your response to that: "But you bring out the worst in me."

Well, that's true. I can't deny it. Sometimes I do, and sometimes you bring out the worst in me, too. When two people are really passionate about each other, that's inevitable. It's Human nature. When we were together, though, I think we brought out the best in each other far more often, and in much more lasting ways, than we brought out the worst.

Look at all the wonderful things that have happened to you since we've been together:

You used to say, until you met me, you didn't believe that the feeling of love truly existed. Through us, you discovered it for the first time.

You took action to take control of your life, getting out of an unhealthy marriage and pursuing your own happiness for once.

You stopped just sitting around and waiting for things to happen, then doing whatever came along. You made plans. You set goals, and you worked towards those goals. Your life finally acquired direction.

As an offshoot of the new direction in your life, you discovered your true calling, Happy Fuzzy Yarn, and built it up from a struggling web page to a growing on-line business to be proud of (and I'm so proud of what you've done with it).

Those are just the big changes. There have been lots of little changes as well. You ended up getting a whole new bike as you learned the advantages of EZ-Fire shifters, suspension, high pressure tires and lightweight bikes. You've learned to remember your meals when you're at work. You've learned how to effectively manage an E-mail group, making the survival of Ken Kifer's Bicycling Advoacy possible.

You learned what it's like to be truly loved.

All of these things, big and small, are good things that our love has brought out in you.

Our three years together have changed the course of both our lives. I think what we have together is worth fighting for.

When you decided to end us, I made a mistake. I panicked and lashed out, criticizing you for all the mistakes you've made in our relationship, and tried to push you into talking to me about our issues. Now is not the time for issues. What I should have done was show you all the wonderful things you've done in our relationship, and the wonderful ways in which you've improved as a Human being, just as you have improved me.

The Dixie Chicks said "It's too late to make it right." That's the one thing I can't believe. Clearly, we have some obstacles to overcome... but I believe three years of love is worth overcoming them for.

However, The Dixie Chicks also said "Forgive, sounds good/Forget, I'm not sure I could." Riin, we must learn to forgive the mistakes we've made that hurt each other, but we must not forget. We need to remember. If we forget, we'll forget the lessons our mistakes taught us.

For now, though, let's just think about the good things our love has brought us, not the pain. We have a lifetime to work through the problems. For now, we need to remember we're Human. We're going to make mistakes. That's life... but life is too short to spend it rehashing mistakes and focusing on pain.

Let's remember, together, the love that brought us to where we are today.

I love you, Riin.

I Think I'll Eat Some Cookies

So. Riin has decided to end our relationship. Here's the link to her blog entry on it:

I Think I'll Eat Some Cookies

I'm not one to air my dirty laundry in public, either, but I feel I need to respond here in some fashion. So I'll talk here more about my feelings than the specifics that led to this.

Anyone who reads this blog regularly will know that we've been having problems, but I have been very willing to work on them. The problem is, this conflict only really got serious six weeks ago. There hasn't been enough time for us to really work things out, and now Riin says she's not interested in trying anymore.

She's convinced that, because we keep fighting, that there's nothing to save. Yet, we have been getting better. Yes, we fight, but the fights have been steadily getting less and less frequent as we've made progress. Problem is, Riin tends to focus on the negative and minimize the positive (she's said so herself), so she sees the fights, but not the progress made.

The problem is, when we do try to discuss problems, it feels really one-sided to me. The discussions make me feel like I am making all the mistakes. Like Riin, I don't want to go into details here, but she, too, has made mistakes. Even though she admits that, it feels like we always end up dicussing what's wrong with me.

Worse, though, is that we never discuss what's right with me... and I know there are things about me that are right. Riin did fall in love with me and stayed in love with me for three years. I can't be all bad.

Now that she's decided to end it, she refuses to talk to me because she knows that, if she tries to explain why she's doing this, she'll end up giving in and agreeing to stay in the relationship. Since she sees nothing but problems in the relationship, she doesn't see it as worth coming back to.

For all of the mistakes I've made, though, I honestly don't think I did anything so bad that justifies ending everything. Even Riin herself said, while we were reading a book she found for me on abusive relationships, that the book wasn't of much use to us because it was written about relationships "a lot more screwed up than ours." Those were her own words. If that's true, then our relationship hasn't sank yet. I think it's premature to abandon ship now.

If I ultimately lose the fight to win her back, I can accept that... but I'm not ready to accept now that the situation is hopeless. I once had a situation with a friend which was ten times worse than this (it was stirred up by rumors started by a bunch of her "friends" until it got way out of control). Today, that person is one of my closest friends in the world. It took us many months, but we finally managed to work it out after a few months apart and a lot of talking.

If that situation was salvageable (one of my friends at the time compared it to World War III :(), certainly this one is.

I've spoken about this to several friends (I wasn't seeking advice, but so many people noticed how down I was yesterday that I finally had to tell them something so they wouldn't worry). Interestingly, they all had virtually the same advice: leave her alone. Most were convinced that, once she calmed down, she'd realize how much she missed me and change her mind. Even those who weren't so sure about that basically said, if there is any hope, you're not going to help by continuing to persue her when she's asked you not to.

The problem is, that's one of my big character flaws. I never could leave a problem unsolved. Even when I know the wisest thing to do is to back off, some part of me just keeps screaming at me that there must be something I can do...

In fact, it's probably that character flaw, more than anything else, that led us to where we are now. I tend to pressure people without even meaning to. When she decided not to move to Canada, she was still in a relationship with me then and wasn't planning to leave. She just didn't want to move here. In my panic (I've been looking forward to "bringing her home" for three years), I lost sight of the fact that she doesn't necessarily have to live here for us to love each other. After all, it was her idea originally to move here, not mine. In the beginning, I was perfectly willing to keep our relationship long distance.

I don't think there's any hope of her moving here anymore. As for whether our relationship can be reestablished, most people seem to think it can. I'm not so sure... but I'm not going to give up. Not yet.

I'm going to take the advice my friends have given me. We'll see where this goes over the next while.

Riin, I can't call you, but you can always call me. If you want to talk about anything, just call. I'm here.

I love you.