Making Progress

I just got a call from the constable at The Cape Breton Regional Police who originally took my report on the troll's threat; it seems we're making progress.

She told me that she's in the process of getting the warrant now. To complete the process, she's going to need a statement from me; I have an appointment to meet with her Wednesday, November 19 at 7:30 PM. Unfortunately, as I feared, since the threat was posted to Riin's blog, not mine, she's also going to need to contact Riin to obtain the IP address on the threatening comment; she even asked me how to pronounce her name for when she calls.

Of course, that opens up a minor mystery. Obviously, she hasn't called Riin yet, so who was it at the University of Michigan Medical Center who was browsing my blog? It could be unrelated, but it's a pretty weird coincidence, particularly given that the visitor visited right around Riin's usual lunch time. If it was Riin, I have to wonder what prompted her to visit; if it wasn't, I have to wonder if it's somebody she knows and, if so, why they were visiting.

Anyway, from what I understand, once they take my statement, the application for a warrant will be brought before a judge. Once the warrant is issued, the police will contact Eastlink who will, in turn, provide information on whose account was associated with the IP address in the threat at the time of the connection.

Also, since identifying the person via IP is related to the time of the connection, the troll cannot escape. Even if he/she were to cancel their Eastlink account completely and move to a new ISP, their name and account information would still be in Eastlink's records for that IP address at that particular time. So, basically, I have them by the... well, I guess I can't identify the point of anatomy yet, not being sure of their gender at this point... :P

I am in such a good mood tonight; things are going well for once. :)

Closing On Target...

KIRK: "Then we've got 'im! Go to red alert! Prepare to fire phaser banks! Sensors, lock on! Mr. Sulu, continue closing! Mr. Spock, lock phasers into computer; computer to control attack!"
SPOCK: "Computer lock ready, Captain; all systems standing by."
SULU: "Range is 1810... 1760... range is 1700... 1640... range is 1590... 1550 and closing, sir..."

- Star Trek, "Arena"

My troll paid this blog another visit Halloween night, based on this data, I'd say I have their attention:


This is the most extensive visit the troll has ever made to this blog. According to this data:

1. 22:25:37: Troll enters the blog.
   
2. 22:25:53: They look at my tracking data for my visitor from the University of Michigan Medical Center.
3. 22:26:18: They return to the blog.
4. 22:27:40: They look at my tracking data on them.
5. They exit the blog manually to go to other pages, returning three times at 22:28:08, 22:30:35 and 22:53:33 respectively.
6. 22:54:32: They exit the 22:53:33 visit through the link to Section 264.1 of the Criminal Code of Canada.
7. 22:54:56: They exit again through a link to Riin's blog.
   
8. 23:17:07: They return to this blog.
   
9. 23:17:48: They exit through the link to The Cape Breton Regional Police.
10. 23:20:08: They again return to this blog.
11. 23:20:33: They enter the comment form for the entry "The Plot Thickens" but leave no comment.

The fact that they chickened out on leaving the comment and made such an extensive visit visiting my links to the Criminal Code of Canada, the police and my tracking data on them, I'd say I have them worried. If they're not worried, they should be. The constable I spoke to told me to call back for a follow-up today; I'm going to do just that first thing in the morning.

It is going to be so sweet to nail this idiot...

The Plot Thickens

I sincerely hope this visitor isn't who I think it is:


If it is, it means the troll has won at least one part of the battle: they've managed to drag Riin into this.

Now, I'm not certain this is Riin; it could be someone else from the University of Michigan Medical Center. The IP is only a partial match to some E-mails Riin sent to me from work I have in my archives; only the first two numbers match. However, that does imply it comes from the same server network and, if the IPs are dynamic, the last two numbers might be different every time someone logs in.

Still, I can't think of anyone else from the University of Michigan Medical Center (which I assume uses the same servers as the Taubman Medical Library) that would be visiting my blog and, if this is Riin, the only reason I can think of that she'd suddenly visit my blog out of the clear blue after almost two years is if the police had to speak to her to get the IP on the threatening comment, exactly what I was hoping to avoid; I didn't want her involved in this.

Riin, if this was you, I'm sorry you had to be dragged into this. I tried to resolve this without involving the police because I figured, if I did, they would have to talk to you in order to match the IP on that threatening comment on your blog with the IP I tracked on mine. Unfortunately, Eastlink couldn't help me without police involvement. So, if this was you, I apologize for bringing you into this, and thank you for helping me track this sicko down.

One good thing about all this. If the police did contact Riin, that means they're taking action on this, which means I'm one step closer to pressing those charges against the troll.

Either way, this will hopefully be over once and for all very soon.

Trollhunter

It's time to reveal the truth behind my recent posting "My Troll Hits Riin."

The truth is, until recently, I had stopped visiting Riin's blog; I removed Riin's blog from my tracking list and removed her former account from this computer (she used to have an account on this machine for use when she visited). Admittedly, I did this rather recently and, yes, I should have done it a long time ago. Still, as the old saying goes, better late than never. So, when the troll posted their recent threat, I had already stopped visiting Riin's blog.

So how did I find out about the troll's threats posted there?

"My Troll Hits Riin" points out that Riin now has the troll's IP address and implies that I can't get it myself because of limitations in Blogger's interface. What it doesn't say, however, is that I can, in fact, track IPs connecting to my blog through third party services. I recently installed a tracking code on my blog called "StatCounter." Scroll down the "widgets" on the left; you'll see "StatCounter" at the bottom.

StatCounter is an incredibly powerful utility. With it, I can track exactly what IP someone signs into my blog from, the geographical location of their connecting server, what time they sign in, what pages they visit, even what operating system they're running, what screen resolution they're using and whether they have Javascript enabled or not.

I did not just "stumble upon" the comment accidentally as I imply on my blog. In reality, I found it when I saw that someone had exited one of my pages via a link to that particular posting on Riin's blog. That activity was atypical compared to the rest of the data so I thought it worth investigating; that's when I found the comment.

Until now, I wanted the troll to believe I still visit Riin's blog regularly. "My Troll Hits Riin" and "Is It Just Me" were both written deliberately to bait the troll. I was hoping they'd comment; they did. When they did, I captured this:


This is definitely my troll. The two "Exit Links" to the comment form on October 19 at 19:05:27 and on October 26 at 20:54:17 clinch it; the times and postings commented on match up with the troll's last two comments.

One thing about the data really surprised me. Whoever this is, they're connecting from Halifax, not from the United States. I had assumed all this time that my troll was Riin's Aunt Janet. It wasn't; it was apparently someone I know. Worse than that, I suspect it may even have been someone I had trusted and confided in about my troubles.

How do I know? Several clues:

1. The troll apparently knows my apartment building; their description of the area is accurate.
   
2. The troll identified themselves as "Ron Weber" in a recent posting; that's the former name of the company I work for. It's most likely someone who worked there.
3. The troll also knew things about Riin that were not publicly known. Since I've never spoken about anything online that Riin hasn't already revealed about herself, the only way this person could have known these things is if they were someone I'd confided in.
4. The troll lives in Halifax; it's very likely someone who quit/was terminated and moved away.

I contacted Eastlink, the troll's Internet service provider, Sunday night and submitted a formal abuse report. Eastlink has told me that, since I have the IP address and the exact times this person connected to my blog, it will be easy for them to trace that IP to the specific Eastlink account that was connected to those pages at those times.

Now, Eastlink can't give me that information; they can only give out private account information to the police. Here we come to the greatest irony. If the troll hadn't threatened me, the police probably wouldn't be able to do anything. However, the moment the troll threatened me, they gave me the grounds to involve the police.

Minutes before I began writing this entry, I was speaking to a constable with the Cape Breton Regional Police. I turned over to her the following letter, originally written to Eastlink Abuse:

Complainant: gelfling@syd.eastlink.ca
Complainant IP address: 142.68.131.220
Source of abuse: 24.138.32.67
Abuse type: Threats/Harassment
Details:
There is someone posting threatening and harassing comments on my blog (http://pedalingprince.blogspot.com). Using Statcounter (http://www.statcounter.com), which I installed recently, I've traced the culprit to a user of your network.

I only recently became capable of tracing this person. Prior to that, I kept a record of their activity in a posting on my blog:

http://pedalingprince.blogspot.com/2008/03/loosers.html

In this posting, I suggest the troll is a member of a former life partner's family; I have since determined this is not the case. I now believe this is someone who worked for my employer; he signed himself "Ron Weber," a former name of the company, and knows things about me that suggest he knew me personally.

Recently, after the installation of the StatCounter tracking code, I discovered that someone (evidently the same person based on the pattern of grammar and spelling mistakes) had posted to my former life partner's blog, this time with threats against me; I detail that incident here:

http://pedalingprince.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-troll-hits-riin.html

Tonight, at 20:54:17 ADT, this individual logged into one of my blog comment pages again and posted a comment to this entry:

http://pedalingprince.blogspot.com/2008/10/is-it-just-me.html

It's from the exact same IP address, so it's pretty clear it's from the same individual as all of the others.

Here is the detailed tracking information I've been able to obtain on this person from StatCounter:

[Here, I turned over all my StatCounter tracking data.]

As you can see, since the installation of the tracking code in late September, this individual has logged into my blog 12 times; the exact times of each entry and what pages were visited are listed in the above data.

I can put up with someone who's just an annoying pest, but I will not tolerate threats. I'd like to formally request that this person's account be identified and suspended. Failing in that, I will have no other alternative but to contact the authorities to deal with the matter, and I'd rather not have to take that step.

I'd like a follow up on this. If I don't hear back from you by Tuesday, I will contact you by phone to get an update.

She told me that a file would be opened with their computer crimes unit. A warrant will have to be issued for the police to obtain the account information from Eastlink. Once it is, and once they identify the person responsible, I will have the option of pressing charges against this individual under Section 264.1 of the Criminal Code of Canada for uttering threats.

I intend to press those charges.

One thing I really resent about all this is the fact that, since the troll's threat was posted to Riin's blog, not mine, I have no choice right now but to keep an eye on her blog in case any more threats are posted; the more evidence I can turn over to the police, the stronger my case. I don't want to visit Riin's blog anymore; it's too painful. I just want to close this chapter of my life but now, until this person is caught, I have to keep it open a bit longer.

Until this troll is caught, however, I am not letting this go. Whoever it is, they made the biggest mistake of their life when they called Lisa a "retard" and a "cripple." Lisa and I may be on the rocks romance-wise, but Lisa is still my friend; I will not tolerate anyone talking about her like that. That's when I decided to do a little research on IP tracing and found the StatCounter utility.

Now, finally, I have the information I need to find this troll and put a stop to this once and for all.

"Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no farther!" - Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: First Contact.

Is It Just Me...?

Is it just me, or has Riin lost weight? I saw the pictures she took of herself in her most recent blog posting; she looks a lot smaller than I remember...

Strange. I've always worried about the health implications of her weight but, now that she's apparently down to a healthy weight, I find the loss of the weight just robbed her of a lot of her feminine curves.

Of course, it could just be that loose fitting sweater hiding them all; hard to tell...

Hm... looks like her hair might be getting thinner as well. I hope she's not sick...? :(

Oh well; at least she's enjoying her knitting.

Cause and Effect: The Dynamics of Poverty

In order to survive, all species, intelligent or otherwise, have two basic needs: food and water. Some species, depending on the climate in which they live and how much protection their bodies naturally provide, may also have a third requirement: shelter. Our species happens to be one of these. As a species, we've apparently managed to obtain these three requirements adequately to allow us to survive on this planet for roughly 200,000 years so far.

In today's society, people who don't have money, for the most part, tend to starve and live on the streets. We accept this as a society as if this is the way it always has been, but it couldn't have always been this way. Money hasn't always existed; if we really needed money in order to get these necessities then our species would have died out completely within the first few weeks of its existence. We apparently were able to find our necessities just fine before money.

So what happened? Why do we need money in order to get such a basic necessity that, at one time, we found just fine without it?

Let's speculate for a moment on how this whole "money" thing began in the first place:

Like all species, we started out trying to meet our requirements by using what we had at hand. We foraged and hunted for our food and water and found shelter in caves. It wasn't ideal, of course; since we had no control over the environment, food would sometimes become scarce, water hard to find, and caves were often damp, rocky and uncomfortable. So we didn't exactly survive in comfort, but we survived.

Over time, as our average intelligence grew, we learned better ways of living. We learned to cultivate plants and developed weapons for hunting, making food shortages less likely. We learned to use mud, grass and wood to build structures aboveground, getting us out of the cold, damp caves into warmer, drier shelter. These techniques were taught to our children, and they taught their children, and on down the generations the knowledge was passed.

These techniques were improved upon by each successive generation. Basic food grown from wild seeds evolved into cultivated vegetables which eventually gave rise to genetically engineered vegetables (though whether the latter is truly an "improvement" is debatable). The grass hut became the log cabin which eventually gave way to treated wood, stone and concrete. The club gave way to the bow and arrow and crossbow which eventually gave way to the gun.

Unfortunately, as a species, Humans are a greedy bunch. Some people who came up with ideas for improving quality of life wanted to somehow profit personally from their ideas instead of just sharing them. So, people who had superior skills began to trade things to provide services for others. What was traded and how much one got for performing a service depended on how much they wanted and how badly the other party wanted the benefits of his or her skill.

In the beginning, trading was undoubtedly confusing. For example, suppose I developed a new method of tiling floors and you wanted me to tile your floor; how much is my service worth? A bushel of wheat? A bag of gold? Diamonds? Since nothing had a set value, what I'd want would depend mostly on my personal tastes, needs and my perception of the value of my skill; in such an environment, it was impossible to determine what something is worth objectively.

At some point, someone realized that a standard currency would make trading simpler. Like many species, we have a fascination for shiny things so shiny rocks like diamonds and attractive metals like gold formed the basis for our first primitive "currencies." This wasn't a perfect system; there was still no objective value attached. It solved the problem of what to ask for when asking for payment, but how much to ask for was still as hard to determine as ever.

One day, probably when someone was thinking about how malleable gold is, someone came up with the idea of breaking gold and other precious metals into standard sizes and shapes and assigning these numerical values; coins were born. Finally, we had a unit of currency with hard values attached. In time, "going rates" were established for particular goods and services; this made it much easier to assess the relative value of one good or service over another.

Eventually, the numbers became more important than the metals they were printed on; paper money was born. This was the purest form of currency, completely independent of the value of the medium on which it is exchanged, finally providing for the first time a truly undifferentiated currency; one dollar, pound or Euro is identical to any other. In fact, today currency is frequently only a number in a computer; physical currency is unnecessary.

Today, anything you want can be bought by simply subtracting a number from your account and adding it to someone else's. I look around my apartment here and I see the computer I'm writing this on, my TV, my couch, my bicycle, my kitchen table and realize that every one of these items, and countless more, all came to be here when someone, either myself or someone else, gave some of their hard earned Canadian Dollars to someone who had these things to sell.

Then my eyes land on my refrigerator. I think of the food inside. Suddenly, I realize something: everything inside that refrigerator was also paid for by the Canadian Dollar. Even the cucumbers Lisa's father brought for us recently, though he grew them himself, started out from seeds he bought.

Food is a basic necessity, something that every person on the planet needs... and we have to pay for it.

How did that happen? I mean, I can understand why we should pay for nonessentials. TVs, for example. Technically, we don't really need them; those who want one should pay for it. But food? Something we all would die without?

Here, we come back to greed. Somebody in the past figured out that, since we need food, anyone who controls the food stands to profit enormously. Somehow, we've gotten ourselves into a situation today where, if you want to eat, you have to have money. How do you get money? You work for it. This sounds reasonable except what do you do if there is no work, or if you're simply not able to do the work available? Starve?

Then there's shelter. If you want shelter, you either have to rent a place to stay (as I do), pay someone to build a house for you or build one yourself. Even if you take the final option, you still have to pay for the building materials; again, a basic Human need that one must now pay to have.

It's still possible to get free water most of the time but even that is being bottled and sold. Unfortunately, thanks to the damage we've done to this planet (thanks to the shortsightedness of greed again, preferring profit over environmental protection), it's getting harder and harder to find drinkable water, so we end up paying for that, too. We're not so much paying for the water as its processing or collection, true, but the end result is the same: we pay for it.

This doesn't seem right to me. It never has. Even when I was a child, I used to say, "If I ever owned a store, I'd give all the food away for free." It just always seemed wrong to me somehow to ask someone to pay for something they need in order to live.

Some might say, "The world doesn't owe anyone anything." That's true; if you're a member of a society, you're obligated to contribute to that society. In North American society, one is generally rewarded for one's contribution by being paid in currency. Sounds like a great idea in principle. In practice, however, it doesn't work so well.

We have wealthy; we have poor. In theory, assuming one is compensated for what one's contribution is truly worth to society as a whole, the wealthy should be the ones with the most valuable skills and the poor with the least valuable.

It doesn't always work out that way.

Look at the entertainment industry. I'm an aspiring filmmaker; I used to dream of working on big "Hollywood" films. While I'm still interested in making films, nowadays I'd rather make small films; I'm no longer interested in working in the larger world of show business. Why? Principle. Honestly, I think these people are way overpaid.

Filmmakers do work very hard, don't get me wrong. It's not an easy job; it can be quite grueling (I've done it; I know). However, I don't care how good your work is; if you're being paid more than $250,000.00 to write a screenplay, you're being overpaid in my humble opinion. It's just entertainment, not brain surgery.

Now look at teachers. As I said earlier, our advancement depends on passing ideas from one generation to the next. There are so many ideas and skills now on which our society depends that we need professional teachers to aid in the passing on of this complex knowledge; without them, the ideas that support our society and maintain our infrastructure would atrophy and our society would collapse.

A profession that important, you'd expect those who work in it to be well compensated yet, compared to the aforementioned filmmakers, teachers are paid a mere pittance despite the fact that they, for all intents and purposes, are the very foundation upon which our society rests.

So, why do we have this situation? Two basic reasons:

One. While currency is an objective measurement, one's contribution to society is very difficult to measure objectively. At the instinctive level, we tend to judge a person's contribution on the basis of how good they make us feel. This explains the above dichotomy. Entertainers make us feel wonderful; teachers are synonymous with boredom. So, people tend to want to pile money on the entertainers, not recognizing the importance of the teacher's contribution.

Two. Once again, greed rears its ugly head. The entertainer, realizing how much people want to see his or her performance, can successfully lobby for huge amounts of cash lest they refuse to perform; if the entertainer is greedy, he or she will do just that. People love watching them so much that they're willing to pay what they want, even at the expense of more important services like teaching.

This goes a long way to explaining why filmmaking technology has reached such a pinnacle with CGI effects, HDTV and digital sound while people are graduating from high school who can barely read and write. A hugely disproportionate chunk of the North American economy is driven by the entertainment industry because new technologies have made entertainment such a profitable, and much more popular, endeavor.

I'm not saying that entertainment isn't valuable; it is (I even use a few snippets from movies later on in this essay to illustrate a point; there’s often quite a bit of truth in fiction, and fiction presents these truths in much more compelling and memorable way than any other method of Human expression can). I simply think that we've blown the value of entertainment way out of proportion when compared with how much we value other goods and services.

For example, I personally feel that the average screenwriter is probably worth objectively about $40,000.00 per feature length script (a fair amount since the average screenwriter probably writes about one script per year, and $40,000.00 is a reasonable yearly salary); only the most extraordinarily talented and/or prolific writers like the James Camerons, Ron Howards and Kevin Smiths of the world would be worth the $250,000.00 I mentioned earlier.

Herein lies the problem with the fact that one needs money for necessities. The $40,000.00 screenwriters have talent but, in order to show it off, they have to compete with the $250,000.00 screenwriters. Sure, there's an audience out there for the $40,000.00 screenwriter but, if they were to put in the amount of work they'd need to gather enough public attention to their talent to make a living at it, they'd have to give up their proverbial "day jobs."

Of course, they can't do that. Their "day jobs" pay for the water, food and shelter. They can't promote their talent unless they give up their day job but, if they do that, they die. Catch-22.

That's why the poor in our society are at such a disadvantage. There are many people out there struggling at low paying jobs trying to make ends meet because it was the only work they could find. One of these people might well be the next Francis Ford Coppola but no one will ever know that because they spend their whole day slinging french fries or collecting garbage in order to pay for their basic necessities so they end up not having time to develop their talents.

I think, if I tried, I could find an audience out there for my film work. The problem is, I'm stuck working in an office eight hours a day. By the time I get home, I'm too stressed and tired to do any significant writing (some people can write fiction when they feel that way; I can't) so I can't even get a screenplay written, much less make a film. My first completed screenplay, The Crystal of Truth, took me six years to write because of this.

Then there's my friend Robert Martell. He is a phenomenal artist. If you clicked through the link to my screenplay The Crystal of Truth above, you'll also have seen the "movie poster;" that's Rob's work. That was drawn and colored by hand, by the way. Just looking at that piece of work, it's obvious this man should be working in the art field but, like me, he's working in an office; he works even longer hours than me, actually. He never has time to draw anymore.

(By the way, Blog Action Day also happens to fall on Rob’s birthday so Rob, if you’re reading this, Happy Birthday, buddy! ;))

My former life partner Riin Gill is another great example. She spins and dyes her own yarn. Her work is gorgeous. Unfortunately, she's also a victim of an eight hours a day office job. She's gotten further with her talent than Rob or I have, having established an online business, Happy Fuzzy Yarn, where she sells her creations, but her "day job" prevents her from having enough time and energy to make Happy Fuzzy Yarn viable as a primary source of income.

Now technically, neither Riin, Rob nor I would be considered "poor" by society's standards; we're all reasonably comfortable as far as standard of living goes. However, as far as our dreams and talents are concerned, we're all "poor" because, while we're physically comfortable, we're working our fingers to the bone to maintain that comfort. None of us has enough time to put the amount of effort and attention into our natural talents as we should.

By this definition, I think that most of us in everyday society are "poor." Too many people in today’s society are working to live rather than living to work. This situation is brought about by the fact that we must work for the necessities we need to keep ourselves alive and this, in turn, was brought about by the greed of the first people who realized that controlling food, water and shelter allows one to control the world.

The poor are already at a disadvantage; the fact that one must pay for their necessities only puts them at a further, and in my view unnecessary, disadvantage. I believe we all have something to contribute to society but I think most of us never truly get the opportunity to live up to our full potential. We end up struggling just to survive, never finding the time to nurture our talents or chase our dreams.

So how do we level the playing field? How do we make it so that those with talent, regardless of how much money they have at their disposal, can compete with the wealthier?

The ideal solution seems obvious: make the basic necessities free. Food, for example: if you want luxury food items or if you want to eat at a restaurant, you pay for the luxury but, when you walk into a supermarket for your groceries, your cart is automatically loaded with the basic necessities; if you don’t want anything else, you can just walk out right there. You’re given a place to live to keep you healthy and comfortable.

With the basic necessities covered, this would free one to dedicate oneself totally to developing a talent; no one’s talent would go to waste only because one has to spend most of their day just working for what they need to live. Now, if one wants luxuries, one would simply find out what one is good at and develop that into a skill that people would be willing to pay for. One’s talent, then, would support only their rewards for their contribution to society, not their life.

A simple idea. The execution of it? Not so simple.

The first problem: what constitutes a "necessity” versus a “luxury?”

Water? No problem; water is water as long as it’s clean and drinkable. Water is also the only beverage we absolutely need to survive, so that places all other beverages firmly in the realm of “luxuries;” it would be hard to defend the inclusion of any other beverage as a “necessity.”

Shelter, however, is a bit more problematic. In theory, the fair idea would be to set a certain minimum, reasonable comfort level and provide everyone with whatever they need to reach that level of comfort. The problem is that comfort is such a subjective thing that it would be virtually impossible to objectively determine how comfortable anyone is, and some people with medical conditions would require special accommodations, too.

Food is even more difficult. Food tastes vary widely. Some people’s food choices even have ethical components. Vegans, for example, frequently choose to be vegans because of animal rights issues. Myself personally, if I was setting up the rules for what’s “essential” food-wise, I would put meat squarely in the “luxury” category. The problem is, not everyone would agree with me; again, this would be next to impossible to determine fairly.

Then you run into the problem of how much food each person requires. Caloric requirements vary widely with individual metabolisms body sizes, ages and activity levels. On top of that, what if the talent someone is trying to develop requires more food than the average person? Athletes, for example, will require much more food than screenwriters or teachers. How do we determine fairly how much “extra” food someone developing a physical skill will require?

Then there’s the problem of how to compensate the farmers who produce the food. Someone who has the talent to be a farmer and is spending their entire day maintaining their crops deserves to be rewarded for that contribution to society but, if no one paid for food, where would the money come from? The government?

Of course, that raises the question of where the government would get its money. Again, ideally like the people getting their life’s necessities free, it’d be nice if governments could simply get essential things done without having to pay for them but, then, we run into the same problem again: how do we reward the people doing work for the government for their contribution?

Eventually, as you come full circle, you realize that there really is no solution to this problem. It seems to me, then, that the whole idea of compensating one for their contribution to society with money is a fundamentally flawed concept. Money, it seems, is the root of most of the evils of the world. Without money, there would be no “rich” or “poor;” we’d just be people.

In Star Trek: First Contact, Lily, a woman from the 21^st Century, happened to ask Captain Picard how much it cost to build the Enterprise. His response was interesting: “The economics of the future are somewhat different. You see, money doesn’t exist in the 24^th Century.” In Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Captain Kirk, while on 20^th Century Earth, also makes many references to the fact that he’s unfamiliar with money and that it’s not used in his century.

Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry had said many times that he felt that money would not exist in the future. I’ve always wondered, however, how that would work; flawed system or not, it’s hard for me to imagine a world this complex functioning without some form of currency.

Again, in First Contact, Picard provides a clue to the mystery when he responds to Lily’s incredulity at the fact that he doesn’t get paid for the work he does. “The acquisition of wealth is no longer the driving force in our lives; we work to better ourselves and the rest of Humanity.”

In other words, in the Star Trek universe, we all work together, solely to help one another and become better people in the process.

It’s a nice thought. Unfortunately, it’s simply not feasible in today’s world. If my basic needs were met, I would be willing to work only for the benefit of others; I’m sure there are many out there who would do the same if they could. Unfortunately, there are not yet enough people who’d be willing to do this. As a whole, our species still too greedy and selfish; right now, such an economic paradigm would have no hope of succeeding.

So, ultimately, what’s the cause of poverty? Greed. Plain and simple.

The system forces us to work to benefit ourselves (and our families if we have them). Maybe that is the ultimate flaw in the system. Maybe if we, everyone in the world, redirected our focus to working for the benefit of others rather than ourselves, maybe things would get better. After all, if we were all working for one another, we would ultimately end up providing for each other’s needs; we wouldn’t have to worry about our own needs anymore.

In the Star Trek episode, “The City on the Edge of Forever,” Edith Keeler said to Captain Kirk, “Let me help.” Captain Kirk smiles and says, "A hundred years or so from now, I believe, a famous novelist will write a classic using that theme. He'll recommend those three words even over 'I love you.'"

“Let me help.” Maybe that is the key to a better world, free of poverty.

We have the key, but we have a lot of growing up to do before we’ll have the strength to open the door.

My Troll Hits Riin :(

Damn it. I didn't anticipate this (though I probably should have).

I just stumbled across this comment in Riin's blog on her post about her troubles with Walgreens:

Hey Riin, you don't know me and to be honust [sic] i [sic] don't know you either. I do know that you have a stalker in the Pedaling Retard from Sydney. I can't stand this guy anymore, [sic] all he does is harass and talk about you. I know he lives in that big apt [sic] building on charlotte [sic] and im [sic] going to go down there and wait for him around the corner and see if he wants to harass me. Hes [sic] liable to get his ass handed to him. Im [sic] fucking sick of it man. Hes [sic] a sick twisted bastard that needs to be stopped. And if its a punch in the face that needs to do it, he will get it.

This is obviously my troll; she's making the exact same spelling and grammar mistakes.

I am dismayed that this troll has actually escalated to posting on Riin's blog again. I have long since decided to leave Riin alone; I haven't contacted her in any way, shape or form over a year and have no intentions of doing so. However, if this continues, I may have no choice but to bring the police into this. Unfortunately, that will force Riin into the situation as well because, right now, she's the only person who could help identify this troll.

Blogger doesn't have the ability to track IP addresses through comments (I've tried), but Typepad does. Riin uses Typepad; now that this person has commented on her blog, she now has this person's IP. So, if I do have to bring the police into this, they will eventually have to contact Riin in order to locate the perpetrator.

I do not want to have to do that. I do not want Riin dragged into this, even indirectly; she puts herself through enough without adding this to her plate. So, for the time being, I am going to give this troll one more chance to stand down. I'm hoping that the simple knowledge that Riin has the information we need to identify her will be enough to smarten her up.

However, if she continues to escalate this, I'll have no choice. By moving her crap onto Riin's blog, it is now her, not I, who is harassing her. I'm willing to deal with the troll harassing me; harassing anyone I love, on the other hand, I will not tolerate.

I must say, though, I am surprised and dismayed that Riin would even allow a comment like that to remain on her blog; the Riin I knew would never approve of threats of violence.

Northeastern Pennsylvania Bicycle Messengering

Please welcome Tom Frost Jr., a good friend of mine, to the Blogosphere! He just created his first blog, titled "Northeastern Pennsylvania Bicycle Messengering." He's a farmer who does a paper route in his area. He's told me many a colorful story about his adventures on his route (and a number of colorful stories about other adventures as well ;)). Regular followers of this blog may remember seeing his name on comments here before.

Believe me, his blog is well worth a look. He's one of the finest writers I've ever met (particularly online where writing in proper English appears to be a dying art based on what I've seen) with a talent for telling an entertaining tale. He's also a man of brutal honesty; he tells it like it is, pulling no punches. Maybe that's why I like him; I appreciate someone who identifies themselves, stands out there in the open and just tells the raw truth.

Welcome to the world of blogging, Tom! ;)

"Loosers"

I'm changing the date on this posting (it was originally posted March 11 at 9:03 PM) to bring it back to the front; I've made some changes to it.

My troll is back.

Yes, I know "losers" is misspelled in the title; that was intentional. I figured, if the troll reads this, she probably won't recognize the word properly spelled; she obviously doesn't know how to spell it... :P

You want to see a real loser? Check this out:

Stop trying to defend your actions and move on. This story is like Sleepless in Seattle and nobody really wants to see her back with you. Move on moron

You are so full of it, you done this on purpose and you know you did. She will ingore [sic] it like she has been ignoring you for many months.
I wish you could of seen the fire we had with all the junk you have given her,and [sic] i [sic] really mean junk.
we had a ball doing it.

I told you before sissy boy Riin hasn't read your blog in a long time, so all your posts have been a waste of time.
I'm wondering why you haven't been posting any of my comments? It must really hurt to read them-----
toooooooooooooooo [sic] bad.Get [sic] bent and find someone elses [sic] life to screw up. I bet you won't post this one either??????? [sic] Hope you and Lisa have a good laugh over this one.I [sic] know my brother and I are having a blast reading yours.

I see you still have no balls to print my comments? Whats the matter sissy boy the truth hurts?

Gee i [sic] was hoping you were going to say the motorist beat the piss out of you. If a jack ass like you got that close to my car you wouldn't live to tell the story.

I would like to send you a whole can of planters [sic] and make you eat every one [This is apparently her idea of being witty once she found out I'm allergic to peanuts].
You have got to be the most stupid person on earth.
Dare you to post this one you ignorant troll.

Dam [sic] your [sic] ugly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [sic] Just freakly [sic] ugly. Put a paper bag over your head so i [sic] or any one else has to look at you. freak [sic]

You are really some piece of work. a [sic] grown man and can't take rejection. You really need help and lots of it. I dare you to print this you stinking canadian [sic] garbage.Come [sic] down to the good old U.S. and get what you deserve you chicken shit trash. Bring that trashy family along with you.

Oh my god [sic], i [sic] thought you might of went out into the woods and shot your self [sic], but noooooooooooooooo [sic] you are back ass hole [sic] with you boring blog borrrrrrrrrrrrring [sic].

John, I dare you to call me.
Riin [Did she really think I was going to fall for this...? :P]

You poor girly [sic] man, you finally found a way of getting rid of both Lisa and Riin, have [sic] you ever thought about getting a man to live with you? Maybe you would have better luck.

How does it feel to be all alone? You lost two good women with your temper. Looser [sic]

Hey loser, i [sic] bet you are feeling really lonesome by now that you have nobody supporting you? Still going to the movies every day and eating out? Bet not.

Bla,bla,bla [sic] boring!

[Under the name "Corey Summerton"] Hey John! why [sic] dont [sic] you get a life and leave this poor girl alone. [sic] Obviously she wants nothing to do with you, so go cuddle into your little crippled bitch of a retard and forget about her. You're fucking sick man. You wanna [sic] harass people??? [sic] how [sic] bout [sic] i [sic] wait outside 62 Charlotte St and see if you want to harass me some cocksucker?
I also left a msg [sic] on her account under an alias, [sic] go read it.

Hey John! It's Riin!Seems like all the years of stalking & harassment has paid off as i am now willing to take your OCPD ass back! I just hope Lisa doesn't run after us!
- Riin

These are all the comments I've rejected from the troll over the past year. This isn't even all of them. I didn't start saving them until the end of March; there were probably at least a half dozen prior to these. I originally started saving them because I thought I might end up having to trace her IP address. After a while, when I realized she was just a glob fly, I decided to keep saving them, anyway, for my own and my friends' amusement.

My favorites are the ones in bold. There's nothing I find funnier than someone trying to outsmart me who isn't even close to being as smart as me, much less smarter. It's a riot to watch all the desperate, simpleminded lengths they go to try to trick me. The second one is particularly funny. Riin holds a University degree in linguistics. Would she make such obvious grammatical and spelling mistakes? Not bloody likely... :P

She also seems to think I'd be afraid because of the reference to "62 Charlotte Street," where I live, despite the fact that this information is readily available for just about anyone, thanks to Google Maps. If she wants to come see me, or if she wants to send a male "champion" in her place to deal with me, feel free; it's Apartment 11. ;)

Speaking of that last comment by "Corey Summerton," this is obviously not someone speaking on Riin's behalf; no way Riin would associate with anyone who would call a person in a wheelchair a "retard" and a "crippled bitch." With each post, I can see more and more clearly why Riin abandoned this side of her family; I probably would, too.

She says I'm a loser, yet her life is so empty that she's still here a year later trying to get under my skin.

I need to get a life...?

This Is Just Wrong

OK. Everyone who reads this blog knows my last two postings about Riin were not particularly complimentary. I have my issues with the woman; I do believe that she has a lot to learn about life, the universe and everything, particularly in the areas of how to recognize love and getting along with people whose ideas differ from hers. However, I have never, nor would I ever, wish ill will on her; I still love her, even after everything, and want to see her happy.

Well, right now, she's bloody miserable; take a look at her most recent blog posting.

OK. That is just wrong.

I'll admit I'm not a big fan of antidepressants; I think society is relying way too much on pills these days instead of helping people find ways of dealing with their own emotions. Still, once you're on antidepressants, you can't just stop taking them out of the clear blue; that can be dangerous.

Riin has apparently been without her antidepressants for several days now thanks to the cluster fuck going on with her prescription at Walgreens. It's to the point now where Riin is in a place I haven't seen her in a long time; it's a place I never wanted to see her again:

[M]y brain chemistry is totally fucked. This week has been really hard. Lots of irrational thoughts, lots of waking up at 5am and crying for 2 hours, dizzy spells, thoughts I just really don't want to have.

It would seem that the personnel at Walgreens Pharmacy in Ann Arbor have their head shoved further up their ass than even my troll.

Do these people have any idea how dangerous it can be to screw with someone's prescription like this? "Oh, it's just an antidepressant; she won't die without it." Bullshit! "[T]houghts I just really don't want to have." She could be thinking about hurting herself here!

I used to be able to talk her down out of these kinds of moods; she called it "getting me off the ceiling." I wish I could talk to her now, talk her down like I used to but, under the circumstances, it would only make things worse. Her paranoia was very likely a large part of the reason she stopped trusting me and, right now, her paranoia is amped way up; my arrival in the picture would only amp up her bad feelings even further.

I am terrified she's going to get hurt, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. :(

Men: Slime or Sublime?

In my experience, many men have an overly casual, and often outright juvenile, attitude about women and relationships. That's probably why many women I know don't trust them. I don't blame them; I don't trust them, either, and for the same reasons. It just makes me profoundly uncomfortable to talk to men who continually make crude comments about women's bodies or make explicit comments about what they'd like to do, or have done, with a woman.

Unfortunately, even among my friends, I encounter this kind of behavior a lot in men. This is why all but one of my close friends is female. If I'm talking about a woman I love and respect, the last thing I want to hear is crude sexual comments about them. To me, crude sexual comments cheapen a woman, reducing her to a mere object of sexual fantasy. The idea of someone I love being reduced to a cheap sexual fantasy makes my skin crawl.

The male stereotype is hardly a complimentary one:

In most modern Western cultures, men are expected to be assertive, risk-taking, tough, unfeeling, insensitive, combative, the owner or ruler of the home . . . Younger men are often depicted as pimpish, boasting, prideful, obnoxious, promiscuous and sometimes violent. - Wikipedia

No wonder women tend not to trust men.

Of course, stereotypes are just that: stereotypes. Men are individuals; not all of us are jerks. Unfortunately, there are enough jerks out there to make life very difficult for the truly honest, respectful man. I've often found it very difficult to get women, sometimes even my closest friends, to completely trust me and my intentions because they're not used to encountering a man who is so far outside the male stereotype.

Telemarketers face a similar problem due to stereotyping. Having worked in telemarketing, I know what a struggle it can often be to get people to give their credit cards. This is because giving a person your credit card number is risky; it renders your account vulnerable to whatever that person decides to do. Unfortunately, too many telemarketers have scammed people this way so people tend not to trust them.

Of course, just as not all men are jerks, not all telemarketers are dishonest. Also like men, telemarketers have a reputation; the telemarketing stereotype is of a bunch of teenagers crammed into a boiler room tricking people into scams. Unfortunately, there are telemarketers out there like that; the damage they do to the reputation of the profession makes it much harder than it should be for the honest ones to conduct legitimate business.

Male/female relationships follow a similar dynamic. Entering any close relationship, whether it be a friendship or a romantic relationship, always involves trust. Giving someone your trust is not unlike giving your credit card to a telemarketer except, in a relationship, you're giving a someone a piece of your heart. Like the telemarketer with the credit card, that person can now do what they want with that piece of your heart; that renders your soul vulnerable.

The unfortunate reality is, just as there are a lot of dishonest telemarketers out there, so too are there a lot of men that simply think with the wrong head; it's hard to know what a man's true intentions are. "Is he just trying to scam me to get into my bed? Or does he sincerely care?"

Ironically, the bad reputation of men affects friendships between men and women more profoundly than romantic relationships; with so many men out there just looking for one thing, it's all too easy for a woman to wonder about a male friend's intentions.

I've found that most men don't like to say "I love you" because they think of it as a sexual thing. Certainly it can be; as I said in my prior posting, sex is the most profound language through which one can express love. However, love itself is not about sex. The problem is, most men think it is. By extension, most women, hearing a man say "I love you," tend to automatically assume that the meaning is sexual.

When I say "I love you," I never mean anything sexual, even when I say it to a woman I am in love with. To me, "I love you" means: "I want you to know how important you are to me." Even when I say I'm "in love" with a woman, to me that simply means: "I think you're beautiful, and I trust you enough to handle my body when it's unprotected and at its most vulnerable." In other words, to me, being "in love" is more about trust than sex.

Love, even being in love, isn't about sex; it's about showing someone how important they are to you.

I only wish love wasn't so sexualized in our culture; showing people in my life how much I love them would be a lot simpler if it wasn't.

Revelation

The past four years of my life have probably been my most emotionally intense years in this world so far. I've fallen in love a total of four times. I've pursued two of those relationships. One ended in heartbreak; one ended in friendship. The other two ultimately became my dearest friends. During all of this, during the good times and the bad, during the joy and the heartbreak, I've done a lot of thinking about love and what it really means.

I've always known that love is simpler than people make it out to be. Whenever I talk to people about love, there's one concept I consistently encounter: "Different kinds of love." People talk about how the love you feel for a lover is not the same feeling as the feeling you feel for a friend or a family member.

I don't believe that. I believe that love, as a feeling, remains the same regardless who you're feeling it for. It's not the feeling that's different; it's how you express it that varies. When you take away sexuality entirely, one's feelings for people one is "in love" with, for people who are "friends" and for family are identical. "Love" is something entirely separate from sexuality; love, as a feeling and concept, would exist with or without sexuality.

To understand this, it's helpful to understand the relationship between language and thought:

When two people converse speaking a language fluently, it's easy to think that the words themselves are thoughts and feelings. If you're fluent in English then English is so ingrained in you as a method of expression that, as you read this, it probably feels to you as if these words are my very thoughts themselves. The language and the thoughts are so closely related that it's hard to separate the two.

However, words are not thoughts; they are merely a vehicle by which thought and feeling are expressed. If words were actually pure thought, then you should know what I'm trying to say when I write "jIwuQ." However, I'll bet you dollars to donuts you have no idea what that means (I deliberately picked a language here very few people would know to clarify my point). OK, how about this one? "J'ai un mal de tête." Or this? "Tengo un dolor de cabeza."

"jIwuQ," "J'ai un mal de tête" and "Tengo un dolor de cabeza" actually all say exactly the same thing in three different languages. The first is Klingon; the second is French; the third is Spanish. Yet, all three sentences express exactly the same thought: "I have a headache."

The most basic definition of "language" is: "Any means of conveying or communicating ideas." A "means" of conveying or communicating ideas. Language is not idea itself, as much as it sometimes may seem to be; if it were, all the misunderstandings we suffer because of our unique points of view wouldn't happen. If our words were our thoughts themselves, our words should carry the meaning of our thoughts across perfectly but they don't; not always.

It is in the definition of language that my ideas on love become clear: love and sex are related in the same way thought and language are. Love is an idea, a feeling a concept; sex is a language.

This distinction is critically important, because it means that there is no such thing as "different kinds of love." Love, as a feeling, is totally independent of its expression, just like all feelings and concepts are. Like all concepts, love can be expressed in a myriad of different ways. Just off the top of my head, I can think of several ways to express love for someone: a smile, a hug, a gift, a kiss, a poem, or even by simply saying "I love you."

To me, sex is only another language by which love can be expressed. Sex is capable of fully expressing only two concepts: love and lust. However, the fact that sex can be used to express any concept qualifies it, by my definition, as a language, albeit a very limited one.

People tend to think of love and sex as being the same thing because sex, by its nature, is one of the most "fluent" languages by which one can express love. The expression of love through sex is such a profound experience that, when in the midst of a loving sexual act, the lines between the physical act and the emotion blur. However, like any fluent language, sex is still a separate thing from the love it expresses; the love itself would exist with or without it.

Upon realizing that, I came to define love as "friendship expressed through sexuality." In other words, my "formula" for "romantic love" has always been: friendship + attraction = romantic love. When I first came to that realization, I thought I had all the answers. I thought I knew exactly what love was and how to make it happen. That's why, when I realized what was happening between Riin and I, I pursued it, secure in the knowledge that it was "true love."

However, after my breakup with Riin, and in observing the dynamics of other relationships among the people in my life, I began to realize that the picture wasn't complete. While I'd never seen a couple "in love" whose relationship didn't rest on a firm basis of friendship, I had seen people who were friends who were attracted to each other yet did not "fall in love." That's where the paradigm broke down: if I was right, they should have fallen in love but they didn't.

So now I'm confused. There must be a missing part of the "formula" for romantic love... but what?

When I thought about it for a while, I realized that the key to this understanding lay in my relationship with Lisa. I used to be in love with Lisa; I no longer am. Why? I do still think Lisa is beautiful; I do still consider her a friend. In theory, I should still be in love with Lisa, but I'm not.

So I knew, whatever the "missing link" was, it was something that changed between Lisa and I. The question was: what changed?

Today, I wasn't really thinking about it consciously, but it was in the back of my mind all morning. Then, just as I got back from lunch, my mind was drifting and I was thinking about things Lisa has done that have hurt me over the years. One of the things about Lisa that's always troubled me was her inability to keep a promise. I thought to myself, "Lisa's just like that; you can't trust her to keep a promise."

I literally stopped in mid step when I hit the word "trust." It's like a light bulb went on: that's the missing link.

So I thought back again to my feelings for Lisa. Am I attracted to her? Yes. Do I consider her a friend? Yes. Do I trust her? No.

Lisa has lied to me over and over and over again and, although she's more honest now than she used to be, I still find myself wondering every time she speaks, "Is this the truth?" I'm never absolutely sure. When I thought further about that, I realized that's also why I no longer want to express my love for her physically.

To me, physical intimacy one of the most profound acts of trust one Human being can entrust to another. If I cannot trust Lisa, then I cannot be comfortable being intimate with her at that level. That's why I no longer want to express my love for her that way: I no longer feel comfortable enough with her because I cannot trust her enough to be that vulnerable to her.

After all the lies over all the years, I'll probably never again be able to trust Lisa deeply enough to express my love for her that way again. I know she capable of lying, and I know she will lie again if it serves her purposes. One cannot be in love with someone they cannot trust because, to be in love, one must be willing to lower all personal barriers; you can only do that with someone you trust implicitly.

That also explains why (I'm forced to admit, despite everything) I still love Riin. I don't trust her judgment, but I do trust her intentions. She has never lied to me or violated my trust. So, with her, I still have a feeling of friendship, attraction and trust; the love remains. This also explains why Riin fell out of love with me. She sent the police twice; you don't do that to someone you trust. If she lost her trust in me, then her love for me died with it.

Then I started looking at the other women I've fallen in love with in my life and asked myself if trust was a common factor. Sure enough, it was; each woman I've ever felt this way for is also a woman I trust implicitly.

So. True romantic love has not two, but three components: friendship + attraction + trust = romantic love. It's when all three of these feelings arrive together for the same person that the feeling of "romantic love" happens.

In order to truly love, you have to find someone you can trust with everything that you are, and who trusts you just as implicitly. Trust deep enough to ignite love happens only between people who have never betrayed each other. Ever.

Until now, I've never believed it's possible to "fall out of love" because I've always viewed romantic love's two components of attraction and friendship to be virtually indestructible. However, now that I know trust is part of the formula, too, I understand: trust is fragile; once it's destroyed it's difficult, and sometimes impossible, to get back.

Riin said she wasn't in love with me anymore. I never believed her but now I realize she was right after all. I thought she was still in love with me but was fighting it; in reality, even if she did still love me, she was no longer in love with me simply because, for whatever reason, she lost her trust in me.

Maybe that, at least subconsciously, is why I fought her so hard on it. If Riin doesn't trust me, there has to be something I did that she misunderstood. I have never lied to her; I have never betrayed her trust (publishing pieces of her personal E-mail notwithstanding; I honestly didn't realize she would mind that and I took it down the moment I realized she did, so it wasn't a deliberate violation). I guess I just wanted, even needed to know why she stopped trusting me.

If only I'd understood then what I understand now, I probably would have given Riin more space instead of pushing so hard to talk to her. In pushing as hard as I did, I only amplified her mistrust. The fact is, there may not have been anything I could have done to begin restoring her trust in me but, if there was anything I could have done, it wasn't what I did, that's certain.

At least I came away from the experience understanding love's greatest vulnerability: trust. Maybe knowing that will help me not to make the same mistakes I did with Riin the next time I find myself in a relationship.

Of course, I'm not sure I ever will be in another relationship. Right now, there are only two other women I feel that way for, and neither has any potential for a romantic relationship. I'm still too emotionally raw to try to develop any new friendships, so I'm not likely to develop feelings for anyone else, either.

Maybe that's for the best. All four of these friendships were more important to me than anything else in the world. Of the two I pursued romantically, one relationship was destroyed, the other damaged. I'm not looking to marry; I don't want children. Maybe it's not worth the risk.

I'd rather keep the friendships I have, and the love I have with them, than risk them only so I can have one more language to tell them how much I love them.

---

On July 12, 2008 10:10:46 AM ADT, Tom Frost Jr. wrote:

A fourth requirement might be having something significant in common with the person. But what that thing in common must be is tricky, as the following story illustrates.

I started out thinking that as the most basic requirement, she must be a cyclist. So, when I started attending bike rallies 20 years ago . . . I always thought that that would be where I'd meet the appropriate lady.

But I never did! It turns out - and it finally became particularly obvious when I got on the internet several years ago - that just because somebody's a cyclist does not mean that they have an iota in common with me!

That's very true. If you ask me, I think it's because cyclists, particularly serious cyclists, tend to be unusual people in some way. By the very definition of the word, someone who is "unusual" will tend not to have traits in common with many people, and that can include fellow cyclists.

There are many women who are members of Velo Cape Breton, for example, and I find many of them very attractive, but I have yet to find one I have enough in common with to get close enough to to build the kind of intimate friendship that a romantic relationship would require. They're all nice ladies and good friends, don't get me wrong; it's just that most of them would probably find me boring as dust if they spent too much time in my company. ;)

Yesterday I learned, in my usual weekly e-mail exchange with the paper girl that I boasted to you about meeting last year, that she's not a cyclist and has no interest in becoming one (despite her apparent ample respect for my being one . . . ).

However, one of the things that this paper girl does have in common with me is that we both bash people who think that they're better than somebody else.

Attitudes like that are a pet peeve of mine as well, which probably explains in part why you and I get along so well. :)

Do I want to be like certain people who, throughout my whole life, have insinuated that my choice to be a cyclist is a "problem" that needs to be "corrected"? No!

This is also one of the reasons why I don't get along with my mother as well as I'd like to. Although she'd never admit it if you asked her to her face, she does think my choice to be a cyclist is "a 'problem' that needs to be 'corrected.'" We've had more than one argument in which she went on a tangent about how I should get a car because "everybody needs a car" etc. Oh bull! I can get around just fine without one, thank you very much.

Actually, cycling isn't the only thing she's done this with, either. When I first started losing my hair, she kept treating my hair loss as "a 'problem' that needs to be 'corrected'" despite my repeated insistence that it didn't bother me. I was still really big into Star Trek at the time (I still like it but I'm not as consumed with it today as I was back then); between Captain Picard, The Doctor and Sisko, it didn't seem to me that baldness was such a big deal... ;)

That's mom; if she thinks anyone has an idea that she thinks isn't "normal," she will always treat it as "a 'problem' that needs to be 'corrected.'" Granted, she means well, but she doesn't realize that not everyone wants to be "fixed."

Of course the greatest irony is, if she thinks you need "fixing," she'll arrive with her tool belt on, but Lord help you if you try to "fix" her; she takes profound offense to the idea of anyone telling her how to run her life. The idea that other people might feel the same way about her attempt to "fix" them, for some reason, just doesn't occur to her. Then again, she's never been particularly good at the art of putting herself in others' shoes... ;)

All that being said, I love my mom dearly. She's always been there for me when I needed her, and I've always appreciated that. Her heart's in the right place; it's just that she cannot seem to grasp the idea that there are other ways of doing things besides her own.

Not trying to change each other is the most basic "thing in common" that I want to have with somebody who has already met the first three requirements that you cite . . .

You make an excellent point. While I don't think that "not trying to change each other" is necessarily a component of the feeling of romantic love, I absolutely agree that it is a component of a successful long term relationship. Actually, I think this is a component of the "trust" aspect; you have to be able to trust that this other person loves you even if they don't necessarily agree with you on everything.

You know, I think this is where Riin and I fell off the rails. We loved each other deeply and, in the beginning, we trusted each other implicitly. However, as time went on, Riin kept trying to change me. She wanted me to stop drinking (she didn't even want me drinking at reasonable levels); she wanted me to be a vegetarian; she wanted me to be totally non-violent (she was uncomfortable with how I'd enjoy a good movie fistfight or WWE match).

Because Riin was always trying to change me, I found myself trying to change her. I tried to make her a faster cyclist; I tried to convert her to drop bars; I tried to convert her into a Star Trek fan. I don't usually do that to people but, in Riin's case, I couldn't help thinking, Well, she wants me to change stuff; it's only fair that she change some things for me, too.

I think that might be why she eventually stopped trusting me, particularly when she tried to get me to stop drinking. I tried; I really did. I failed. I think she viewed that as a lie, a promise I broke. It was probably the only promise I ever made to her (or anyone) that I've ever failed to live up to.

Riin's never had an addiction. If only she had, maybe she would have been able to understand what I was going through. I was not lying to her. I did mean what I was saying; I had every intention of keeping my promise. I just couldn't. Even I was taken off guard by the power of addiction because drinking is the only thing I have ever been addicted to; trying to quit was my first experience with trying to break an addiction; I simply wasn't prepared for the power of it.

Regardless, if Riin and I had only been willing to accept each other as we are, maybe we would still be together today. But Riin kept trying to change me; that made me feel like I had to change her to "even the score," so to speak. Eventually, this wiped out her trust in me. Unfortunately, I never lost my trust in her so she lost her love for me and I didn't lose my love for her; that left me holding the proverbial bag, which is why the breakup hurt me so much.

That's probably also why those two remaining friendships mentioned above still work so well. I accept them both as they are and, in fact, would not want to change them; I love them both just the way they are.

If I ever am in another romantic relationship some day, I'm going to keep that lesson close to my heart; maybe that way, even if the relationship fails, I won't lose the friendship it was built on like I did with Riin.

On July 25, 2008 7:59:24 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

Why do you refer to the troll as she? Could it be a he?

No. I know who the troll is; I just can't prove it.