Friday, June 15, 2007

To "Janetté Jacques"

Normally, I respond to comments within the same posting they were made. However, as I started to respond to this one, it ended up being so long that I decided to make it a posting in its own right.

On June 12, 2007 8:35:40 PM ADT, "Janetté Jacques" wrote:
[M]y name is not Janet. It is Janette' jacques that is french if you couldn't figure that out.
I live in Canada. Our second official language is French. Indeed, here in Cape Breton, we have a rather large French-speaking community in Cheticamp. Believe me, I am quite used to seeing and recognizing, French names. In fact, I'm so used to seeing French names that fake ones ("Jacques" is such common name in French, much like "Robert" is in English, that the very thought that you'd think I'd believe that's your real name is laughable) jump right out at me.

Look. I'm a fiction writer. I'm used to studying words. There are certain idiosyncrasies in your writing that jump out at me every time you post. Ironically, though I always knew all these posts were from the same person, I probably would never have known who you were had you not posted comments to Riin's blog, which gave me the opportunity to spot the same idiosyncrasies in your posts there.

You are Janet: Riin's aunt on her father's side of the family. I know who you are. Riin told me about you long ago.
I went to school with Riin for many years and i loved her to death.
Riin only had one really close friend and several more casual friends in school, and she's spoken to me about all of them by name. None of them were named "Janetté" or any variation thereof.
My aunt is Annabell Spencer . . .
How convenient.

This is what we fiction writers call a Deus ex machina.
[T]ell me about you and maybe i will understand why you and Riin broke up.
Tell you about me? You're on my blog. Anything I could tell you is all here. Just read. If you have any questions, feel free to ask (maturely and politely) and I'll be happy to respond.
I know she really loved you a lot at one time but i am really thinking you done something wrong to make her hate you so much.
Things in a relationship rarely get as bad as they have between Riin and I without mistakes being made on both sides. Yes, I did make mistakes. I've admitted that already many times. But Riin made mistakes, too. The problem is, Riin cannot abide being proven wrong. She has to prove herself right at all costs. This tends to blind Riin to her part in any bad situation.

Riin calls me abusive and manipulative, but she has been abusive and manipulative, too. Her inability to accept people being angry at her, for example. The moment someone gets angry with her for anything, she cries: "Abuse! Abuse!" Oh, please. We all get yelled at sometimes, and we all deserve it sometimes. We're all cruel, heartless and thoughtless from time to time. Sometimes we need a good "talking to." It's our nature as a species. More's the pity.

There is a lot of history behind why Riin and I broke up. If you want to know more about that, just go back and read this blog. However, the "straw that broke the camel's back" was simply this:

My grandmother died literally less than two months before Riin's planned visit last August. I warned her that I might not be myself this visit. I knew I was going to have a short fuse. In my entire adult life, I'd never lost anyone so close to me before, and I knew I was going to have trouble handling it. So I really wasn't myself the last time she was here. I was short and irritable. I lost my temper a few of times. I was hurting and didn't know how to deal with it.

When she got back, she started thinking about the way I was behaving, and the way I continued to behave on the phone (it took me months to recover) after she returned. I guess she started to believe I had changed into this monster. I hadn't. I just didn't know how to handle the loss I was feeling and I was lashing out at the people who loved me. I tried not to, but I was just in too much pain to keep it in check all the time.

Incidentally, Riin herself went through the same thing. Riin was very close to cyclist Ken Kifer. When he died, Riin used to lash out at people on the Bicycling Advocacy group. People used to get upset with her for being rude and irritable there. It was the exact same thing. Riin was hurting and, without intending to, lashed out and hurt the people around her because she didn't know how to deal with it.

Eventually, I finally started to recover. It was slow going, but bit by bit I was starting to improve. I was trying to quit drinking (I finally succeeded not long after Riin left). I was actively trying to help Riin move to Canada. We were talking through some of the issues that had piled up while I was trying to pull my emotional act together. Things were getting better, and I was working hard to make it work because Riin was so important to me.

Then Riin pulled the rug out from under me when she suddenly announced she didn't want to move to Canada. I was crushed. I'd been building my life around the idea of her, Lisa and I eventually being together and, suddenly, she took it away from me. She tried to explain why she didn't want to move, but I was already emotionally fragile and this shattered me. I was in too much pain to listen. So I lashed out at her again.

That's when Riin finally decided to give up and push me away.

Since then, Riin has had a lot of time to think and, based on what she's said on her blog, she's drawn a lot of unfair conclusions based in part on the way I'd been behaving and in part on pieces of my history taken out of context. If only she'd listen to me then maybe we could sort this out.

I don't think we'll ever have our original relationship back. She'll never move to Canada. But that doesn't matter to me. If she's only ever a voice on the phone to me, I can accept that. She has such a beautiful, soothing voice, anyway. It used to be such a comfort to me. I miss it. :(

Even if we can never be together in the flesh, I still want the love and the friendship our relationship was built on back. If we could only just sit down and talk this out, I think it could still be saved.

But she won't face me. Now that she's made her choice, she doesn't want to face me and risk being proven wrong.

That's as much as I can say here without invading Riin's privacy. Anything else, I'd have to say in private.
That is why i have been so evil to you.
What did you hope to accomplish by being evil to me? Vengeance? Nothing good ever comes from vengeance.

Look. I understand that Riin means a lot to you. She's your niece. Of course she does. But she means a lot to me, too. Try to understand that.

Let me invite you to E-mail me privately so we can talk about this. I already know who you are, anyway. I already have your E-mail address (I got it off Riin's blog). All I'm asking is that you give my side a fair hearing. If, after talking things through with me, you still think I'm an asshole, not worthy to lick Riin's sandals, then I'll accept your judgment. All I ask is that you give me the chance first to talk to you about my side of the story.

Remember, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Just because Riin believes I'm an asshole doesn't necessarily mean I am.

Riin has pushed people who genuinely loved her out of her life before. You of all people should know that. In fact, she's done it to everyone who's loved her so far. She's going to end up alone in life if someone doesn't take a stand and fight for her. I love her deeply, even after all that's happened. I refuse to give up on her. So I am taking a stand.

You have a simple choice now: take a stand with me, or take a stand against me. All I'm asking is that you talk to me yourself before making that choice. Make your own judgments about me. Decide for yourself if Riin is right about me or not instead of just blindly taking her word for it. Remember, if Riin is wrong about me, then taking a stand against me will only help her drive one more person who loves her out of her life forever.

Riin deserves to be loved. Be sure you're helping her to find love... not helping her drive it away all over again.

On June 14, 2007 8:36:22 PM ADT, "Janetté Jacques" wrote:
Sorry to say i am not Riins aunt.
As Judge Judy would no doubt say at this juncture: Baloney! :P
Never met her or any of her relatives, but that is quite a compliment.
No, it's not. Believe me.
After friends and family read your last blog they warned me to STOP blogging you. They all say the same thing you are very dangerous and need some professional help very badly.
Why do they think I'm dangerous?
I believe Riin that you are a stalker.
I would, too, in your place. Riin is your niece. If my niece told me someone was stalking her, I'd probably tend to take her side over a stranger I never met, too. Of course, that's probably not fair to the other person whose life I know nothing about who may, in fact, be a perfectly sane person who's been wronged and is just trying to make a bad situation better, but then life is rarely fair.

If life was fair, Riin wouldn't have turned her back on me (and everyone else who ever loved her) in the first place...
This is the last blog from me.
Under this name...
Forget all about me and stop making up stories who you think i am.
I'm making up nothing. It's obvious. I'd tell you how I know, but I don't want to give you any more ideas how to hide your identity. Just suffice it to say that, now that you've posted to both my blog and Riin's, I've seen the patterns. I have you cold.

On June 15, 2007 12:12:57 AM ADT, Lisa Brewer wrote:
[I]n any number of the fights, and there have been many, that John and I have had that became physical, I was the one that threw the first blow to John. Riin, herself, has witnessed alot of these fights in the last few years, either by phone or in person. So, if Riin was to be scared of anybody, it would most certainly be me, NOT John.
Actually, in Lisa's defense, it is actually pretty rare that she actually strikes me, particularly since Riin and I were together (I'm not sure why, but Riin's presence in our lives made Lisa a lot calmer and more reasonable than she'd ever been). However, when Lisa does decide to strike, she frequently does it full force with closed fists. She's a manual wheelchair user. Her arms are strong. If she's sitting next to me, she can hit me several times before I can get away.

So now you know the secret. Riin would tell you that I've struck Lisa, but she would leave the part about her striking me out. She'd also leave out the part that I have never, ever, punched anyone in the face. Ever.

Actually, come to think of it, I've only ever been in one fist fight in my entire life where I actually threw any punch. It was when I was a teenager (ironically, I was trying to break up a fight and one of them turned on me), and even though that guy did punch me in the face, I couldn't make myself punch him back. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I can't hurt people, even when I probably should be defending myself.

I ended up punching him in the midsection, and I didn't even use enough force to hurt him. It's a good thing he decided to break off the fight at that point because I probably would have gotten my ass kicked. :( That, BTW, is the only punch I've ever thrown at anybody. The worst I've ever done to Lisa when she'd punch me is slaps on the arm. The intent was to get her to back off.

I eventually realized that wasn't working. So now, if Lisa hits me, I either try to get away from her or, failing in that, grab her wrists and hold her arms until she calms down. I generally have to do the latter because, if I don't, she'll assault the most expensive thing she can find (she recently punched the screen of this computer, for example).

I don't blame Riin for being afraid of this situation. I never would have assaulted her, but Lisa probably would have at some point. :( That's one of the reasons I don't want Riin to move to Canada anymore. I want her love and friendship, but I think it would be better for everyone if she stays where she is. I've chosen to accept this life with Lisa. I don't want Riin to be dragged into it.
John doesn't even like to hurt bugs, bees, things of that nature. He would rather catch them in something and put them outside, alive, then to kill them.
Hm. It's been so long since I've had to remove a bug from my apartment, I'd forgotten about that. But Lisa is quite correct. I don't even like to kill bugs. Even when somebody asks me to, I won't, and I literally cry sometimes when I see someone else kill one. I can't help it. I can't help thinking how I'd feel if some enormous creature came along and crushed one of my friends. :(

4 comments:

  1. Janette' Jacques8:36 PM

    Sorry to say i am not Riins aunt. Never met her or any of her relatives, but that is quite a compliment.
    After friends and family read your last blog they warned me to STOP blogging you. They all say the same thing you are very dangerous and need some professional help very badly. I believe Riin that you are a stalker. This is the last blog from me. Forget all about me and stop making up stories who you think i am.

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  2. "[Friends and family] all say the same thing you are very dangerous . . ."

    Uhhh, "Janette Jacques" (and I DON'T believe for a moment that that IS your real name). I am John's life partner, Lisa Brewer. I have been with John going on 11 years, and living with him for 9 of those years. If John WERE a dangerous man, like Riin and the rest of your "family" thinks he is, don't you think that I would know it?

    In all the time I have known John, I have never seen him strike out, and hurt someone, unless they struck him first or he felt threatened.

    As a matter of fact let me let you in on a little secret. . . in any number of the fights, and there have been many, that John and I have had that became physical, I was the one that threw the first blow to John. Riin, herself, has witnessed alot of these fights in the last few years, either by phone or in person. So, if Riin was to be scared of anybody, it would most certainly be me, NOT John.

    John DOES like a good fist fight in a movie, or TV show, though, because he likes to freeze frame the fight and watch it in slow motion, just so he can analyze it to see how they did it.

    John doesn't even like to hurt bugs, bees, things of that nature. He would rather catch them in something and put them outside, alive, then to kill them.

    Besides that... I think that everybody has violent tendencies buried deep down, no matter who they are. I know I do. And that doesn't mean that i, or they, will act them out.

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  3. "I never would have assaulted her, but Lisa probably would have at some point. :("

    John is right, I probably would have assaulted Riin at some point, given how bad my temper can be. And as soon as I calmed down, I would have regretted it. And DO regret it after I hit John. I know, I know... a little TOO late...

    "That's one of the reasons I don't want Riin to move to Canada anymore."

    Same here, I don't want to hurt Riin, or anybody, when I get that upset. I just don't know what to do when I get mad. It's not like I can just get up and leave the apartment and go for a walk like John can.

    "I think it would be better for everyone if she stays where she is."

    I agree. Not because I didn't want her here, but because I didn't want to hurt her. And I know that if she came to Canada, to be with John and I, and lived with us, like it was supposed to be, I probably would end up lashing out at her.

    "I've chosen to accept this life with Lisa."

    John, you have too big a heart. You always see the good in people, even when they feel they don't deserve it. You always try to stick by people even after they've told you they don't love you any more.

    I know... we've gone through this "song and dance" too many times over the years where I thought I didn't love you any more. But where were you? Right beside me, helping me try to find that love again. And we did, eventually.

    Sure we've had some rough patches over the years, but that just comes with the territory. I mean, look at my parents (mom and my stepfather)?? They've had the rockiest relationship of anybody I know, and they are still together 20-something years later.

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  4. Hey, Lisa... do your Mom and stepfather have a secret to that, that they know of? I think we would all love to know what it is. :P I sure would...

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