Saturday, March 06, 2010

Enough is Enough

I just published the following status to my Facebook profile:
I promised myself I'd never drink again but last night after a hard day I thought, "Ah hell, three beers can't hurt." Yes, they can when they're Faxe 10%. So I'm stating here for the record that I'm following a good friend's example: I am QUITTING drinking as of NOW. I hope stating this publicly will force me to stick by my word lest I be made out a liar. The religious among you, please pray for strength for me.
I really feel ashamed of myself. I promised someone important to me that I'd quit drinking and I didn't. Not that they asked me to quit or anything; that was a promise I'd made voluntarily. But still, I did promise. Last night, they were trying to talk to me and I couldn't even focus on what they were saying. My God I had no idea only three beers could hit me that hard, even at 10%; I'd never had them with so little in my stomach before. :(

I've tried to quit twice before. The first time I succeeded for several months so I know I can do it but, honestly, come the weekend, I just don't want to. The only thing I like about my life right now are the wonderful people in it. Other than that, I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I do the same thing over and over again every day Monday to Friday, I hate this time of year weather wise and I've got a mountain of credit card debt. It's hard to even get out of bed in the morning.

Every Friday, the hardest day of the week, I always look forward to that beer, thinking it'll help me unwind. It does at first but then afterward, when it wears off, it leaves me more depressed than when I started. Worse, if anyone happens to call me while I'm still under the influence, I end up making a fool of myself. My friend last night was getting pretty frustrated with me. I can't remember what we said but I do remember having trouble following the conversation. :(

Enough is enough. This has got to stop.

Now before anyone suggests Alcoholics Anonymous, that was my second attempt to quit. Honestly, I resented the idea that I'd have to spend hours at AA meetings for the rest of my life just to fight this. Whenever I resent something sooner or later I rebel against it. So that won't work no matter how good the program is.

So let me try this:

I broke a promise to my best friend last night because, honestly, I thought I could get away with it. I hadn't mentioned it to anyone else; it was just a promise I made privately to them so I thought, No one will know. I figured they'd never ask so I wouldn't have to lie about it or anything but, when those beers hit me so hard, I couldn't hide it and my friend knew. It felt awful to let someone important to me down like that.

I figure, if I state this out in public for everyone to see, I won't be able to do that anymore; I won't be able to think, No one will know, because now everyone knows. If anyone even so much as spots me going into the liquor store, automatically right there I let everyone down without having taken a single drink. If I'm in a bar chances are I'm there for an event where friends will be and, again, people who know me will see if I buy a drink. I can't get away with it anymore.

No matter how much you love someone, sooner or later you let them down. I let someone down last night I never wanted to let down; I cannot let that happen again.

The religious among you, please pray for my strength in the traditions of your personal faith. The non-religious, just be there for me. Don't shame me; I feel guilty enough. Just, if you see me doing something I shouldn't be, just walk up to me and remind me of my promise. I know from experience, when I know I'm letting someone down, it gives me the strength to stop. So just letting me know you're watching me is all I need.

I never pray for myself but I'm going to post this one here; if you're Catholic, or if you simply like this prayer, feel free to say it for me:
Glorious St. Rita, Patroness of those in need, your intercession with our Lord is most powerful. Through the favors obtained by your prayers, you have been called advocate of hopeless and even impossible cases. St. Rita, humble and pure, patient and compassionate lover of Christ Crucified, we have confidence that everyone who has recourse to you will find comfort and relief.

Listen to our petitions and show your power with God on our behalf. Obtain our petitions for us if they are for the greater honor of God and for our good. We promise, if our petitions are granted, to make known your favor and to glorify God for His gift. Relying on your power with the Merciful Savior, we ask of you:

Protect and guide John Archibald Ardelli. Please grant him the strength to face life without the crutch of alcohol. Grant those he loves the wisdom to know he loves them, that his broken promises not to drink are due to his own weakness not because he does not love them.

By the singular merits of your childhood, obtain our request for us:
  • By your perfect union with the Divine Will.
  • By your acceptance of troubles in your married life.
  • By the anguish felt at the murder of your husband.
  • By the surrender of your children rather than have them offend God.
  • By your miraculous entrance into the convent.
  • By your daily penance and fasting.
  • By your courage and joy in bearing the mark of the Crucified Savior.
  • By the Divine Love which consumed your life.
  • By your devotion in receiving the Blessed Sacrament.
  • By the happiness you felt in leaving this life for union with Christ.
  • By the example you have given to people of every state of life.
Pray for us, St. Rita, that we may be worthy of the promises of Christ.

Heavenly Father, in Your infinite love and mercy, You heed the prayer of Your beloved servant Rita. You graciously grant favors through her intercession which are considered impossible to human skill and effort. Relying on her compassionate love, we ask You to assist us in our trials and difficulties. Let unbelievers know that You are helper of the humble, the defender of the weak and the strength of those who trust in You.

We ask this through Christ our Lord.