Friday, April 27, 2007

Save the Wild UP Video Challenge

Save the Wild UP has launched the Save the Wild UP Video Challenge!

Michigan's water, its rivers, lakes and streams are under assault from metallic sulfide mining, invasive species, outright diversion and a host of other threats. For several years, Save the Wild UP and others have been working to stop a risky metallic sulfide mine, a precedent setting foot in the door for a dangerous new sulfide mining district in the water-rich and wild area north of Marquette.

Save the Wild UP is challenging you to make a video that shows why Michigan must protect its rivers, lakes and streams. We'll all vote on the best and the winners will receive all kinds of prizes, including $2500 in cash for the Grand Prize winner. And maybe somewhere in here, we might find a legacy to pass along to our children that makes them happy and healthy.

If you have any questions, ideas or custom graphic needs, please call Andy McFarlane at (231) 256-2829.


I stumbled across this comment on Riin's blog. It's been there for a week, but I didn't come across it until late last night (I haven't been checking her blog all that frequently lately):
I told him a long time ago he needed help, but he doesn’t believe in therapy. I quit reading his blog some time ago. I don’t even read Technorati anymore. I stopped after I saw he was posting my private emails on his blog. He’s really showed his true colors. I don’t even want to know what he’s saying about me anymore.
I'm not going to even bother responding. I explained my reasons for publishing her E-mail quite explicitly in my earlier postings Tactical Alert and Facing Anger. As for the part about therapy, I'd rather address my response, not to Riin but to "Jewels," the person whose comment prompted Riin's. Jewels said:
I still read this guys blog and i am wondering does he need help? I really don’t think he gets the big picture here.
I'd prefer to respond to this privately, but as she doesn't leave contact information with her comments, and as she did indicate she's still reading this blog, I'll settle for responding here.

So. To Jewels:

I needed help in the beginning. No doubt about that. Truth be told, I had even started the process of getting a referral to a therapist, but my doctor was on vacation and I was unable to get one right away (I can't afford to pay for a therapist but, in Canada, if a doctor refers you, your health care will cover them).

However, as Riin herself points out, just writing down your thoughts in a blog can be very therapeutic in and of itself. By the time my doctor got back, I'd already worked out pretty much everything I needed to, so I don't see much point in therapy now. That's why I've been posting so little about Riin lately. I haven't given up trying to reach her but, as far as the blog is concerned, unless something changes (like your comment), I really have nothing left to say.

As for not getting the big picture, I think it's you who's not getting it. There are two things your comment doesn't take into account.

First, since the beginning of this, Riin has been acting as if she's totally blameless in this situation. She is not. There are two sides to every story. She chides me for publishing her personal E-mail, but she conveniently leaves out the fact that publishing her letter was prompted by her threat of police action against me, a response way out of proportion with the situation (and I have documentation to prove it).

I published one E-mail, one that contained no personal information whatsoever. I published it to establish my innocence in the matter, just as Riin and her ex-husband published these letters to defend themselves against the threats of a neighbor prompted by a letter to the editor she wrote in her local paper. The way she tells it, it sounds like I'm going to go publishing my complete archive of her correspondence just for dirt.

Second, people on both sides of this also have feelings. I don't think it's fair that you judge me without talking to me and asking me how I feel. There's a stigma in society. We don't talk about it much, but it's there: "Breakups are always the man's fault." Bullshit. I've seen dozens of breakups and, inevitably, they are caused by mistakes made on both sides. Things generally don't truly hit bottom unless both sides screw up somehow.

I invite you to E-mail me privately. At least then, you can have both sides of the story before you make up your mind.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


Well, now I know what Facebook is... problem is, I got a bit carried away exporting my contacts from Apple Mail. I haven't updated my contacts in a long time and I just discovered Riin is still in one of the list of contacts I was exporting... I don't know for sure, but I think I may have inadvertently sent an invitation to her (it went out with a batch of 12 invites I think)... :(

Oh well. If I did, she'll probably just ignore it, anyway.

I think I'd better clean out this Address Book...

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

80 Movies (I saw 124)

A friend of mine just sent me this on Facebook.

Supposedly, if you've seen over 80 of these movies, you have no life.

Mark the ones you've seen. There are 190 movies on this list. Put your score in header and post it to your own blog! :)

(√) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(√) Grease
(√) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Boondock Saints
( ) The Mexican
(√) Fight Club
(√) Starsky and Hutch
( ) Neverending Story
( ) Blazing Saddles
(√) Airplane

Total: 6/10

(√) The Princess Bride
(√) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
(√) Napoleon Dynamite
(√) Labyrinth
(√) Saw
(√) Saw II
(√) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(√) Anger Management
(√) 50 First Dates

Total: 9/10

(√) Scream
(√) Scream 2
(√) Scream 3
(√) Scary Movie
(√) Scary Movie 2
(√) Scary Movie 3
(√) American Pie
(√) American Pie 2
(√) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp

Total 9/10

(√) Harry Potter
(√) Harry Potter 2
(√) Harry Potter 3
(√) Harry Potter 4
(√) Resident Evil I
( ) Resident Evil 2
(√) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(√) The Village
(√) Lilo & Stitch.
( ) Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch has a Glitch

Total: 8/11

(√) Finding Nemo
(√) Finding Neverland
(√) Signs
(√) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1978)
(√) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2004)
(√) White Chicks
(√) Butterfly Effect
(√) Thirteen Going on 30
(√) I, Robot

Total: 9/10

(√) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(√) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(√) Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
(√) Never Been Kissed
(√) Meet The Parents
(√) Meet the Fockers
(√) Eight Crazy Nights
(√) Joe Dirt

Total: 8/11

(√) A Cinderella Story
(√) The Terminal
(√) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(√) Dumb & Dumber
(√) Dumb & Dumberer
(√) Final Destination
(√) Final Destination 2
(√) Final Destination 3
(√) Halloween
(√) The Ring (Ringu)
(√) The Ring 2 (Ringu2)

Total: 11/12

(√) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
(√) Chicago
(√) Ghost Ship
(√) From Hell
(√) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
(√) I Am Sam
(√) The Whole Nine Yards

Total: 7/9

(√) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
( ) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
(√) Gothika
(√) Nightmare on Elm Street
( ) Sixteen Candles
(√) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter

Total: 4/11

( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
(√) Se7en
(√) Ocean's Eleven
(√) Ocean's Twelve
( ) Identity
( ) Lone Star
(√) Bedazzled
(√) Predator I
(√) Predator II

Total: 6/10

(√) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(√) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss' daughter
(√) Maid in Manhattan
( ) Frailty

Total: 3/10

( ) Best Bet
(√) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(√) She's All That
(√) Calendar Girls
(√) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(√) Ever After
(√) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China

Total: 6/10

(√) X-Men
(√) X-Men 2
(√) Spider-Man
(√) Spider-Man 2
(√) Sky High
(√) Jeepers Creepers
(√) Jeepers Creepers 2
(√) Catch Me If You Can
(√) The Others
(√) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick

Total: 10/14

(√) Swimfan
(√) Miracle
(√) Old School
(√) The Notebook
(√) K-Pax
(√) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(√) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(√) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(√) Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman

Total: 9/10

(√) Hitch
( ) The Fifth Element
(√) Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
(√) Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
(√) Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(√) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
(√) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(√) Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi
( ) Troop Beverly Hills
( ) Swimming with Sharks

Total: 7/10

(√) Air Force One
( ) For Richer or Poorer
( ) Trainspotting
( ) People Under the Stairs
( ) Blue Velvet
(√) Sound of Music
( ) Parent Trap
(√) Parent Trap Re-make
( ) The Birds
(√) The Terminator
(√) Terminator-2
(√) T-3

Total: 6/12

( ) Empire Records
( ) SLC Punk
(√) Meet Joe Black
( ) Nightmare Before Christmas
(√) The Silence of the Lambs
(√) Sleepy Hollow
( ) I Heart Huckabees
( ) 24 Hour Party People
( ) Blood In Blood Out

Total: 3/9

( ) Thirteen
( ) Manic
( ) American History X
( ) Deep Blue Sea
(√) George of the Jungle
(√) Canadian Bacon
( ) Big Black Titties
(√) How High
( ) The Jacket
( ) My Litte Pony 1986

Total: 3/10

On April 23, 2007 11:44:48 PM ADT, Sue wrote:
[M]y number is 19... :D
Which 19? :)

On April 24, 2007 3:20:12 AM ADT, Sue wrote:
I'd like to note that at least half of these were seen two or more decades ago, when my standards were certainly different...
Same here. The more recent titles on the list I saw when I was going to see every movie. I'm glad I don't do that now, not so much because of the bad movies that are out (they can be guilty pleasures) but because it's nice to actually be able to save some money for a change. :P
Not to mention the times when the guy I was dating a few years ago insisted on going to lots of movies that didn't interest me and I went along because I hadn't figured out yet that this was a major difference between us . . .
How can what movies you like be a major difference between you? I couldn't imagine, for example, that our taste in movies had anything to do with Riin's split from me (besides, although I like some movies she doesn't, I also like pretty much all the movies she does like and some, like Monty Python and the Holy Grail are in the list of personal favorites for us both... I just have a wider taste in movies than her ;)).

OTOH, Riin and I had radically different taste in music, but I didn't think that had anything to do with our break, either...

Just curious, because taste in movies seems like an odd thing to list as a "major difference."

On April 24, 2007 12:11:43 PM ADT, Sue wrote:
It wasn't our taste in movies that was a significant difference, it was that he wanted to participate in the moviegoing and moviewatching ritual on a frequent basis, whereas I consider it to be an objectionable aspect of the culture which I prefer to boycott with only rare and purposeful exceptions.
Ah, OK. That makes more sense.

Hm... I wonder if a similar attitude played any part in Riin's breakup with me...?

I certainly hope not, since I did quit going to the movies because of her and, even to this day, I'm thankful she got me out of that crap...

Thursday, April 19, 2007


I had a rather upsetting exchange with a friend at work today.

Like most of my friends in meatspace, he's been very supportive of me since my conflict with Riin started. Today, he was angry over the way Riin is treating me and advised me to give up trying to reach her. Then, just before I went back to work after break, he said something I've never heard anyone say about Riin before:

"She's not worth it."

I know he meant it to be supportive, but many of Riin's friends have said similar "supportive" things about me on her blog (and probably in private as well). I've said before that I don't think it's fair that they judge me on that basis of Riin's point of view alone without knowing anything about me, but the reverse is also true. I don't think it's fair that anyone judge Riin on the basis of my point of view alone, either.

Still, cutting me off completely without a single word after over two years of love and support through one of the most difficult times in her recent life seems pretty cruel, doesn't it? So why come to her defense?

Riin is not a fundamentally cruel person. In fact, she's so totally non-violent that she's even uncomfortable with the fact that I'm a fan of WWE (which, for me, is more performance art than violence). Normally, she goes out of her way to avoid hurting people, sometimes to the exclusion of her own happiness. That is the problem. Riin tries so hard not to hurt people that she tends to suppress rather than express anger, sometimes for years.

Yes, Riin does have a cruel streak. Absolutely she does. All this anger and resentment she tends to bottle up gives rise to it. She can release some anger, but in doses too small to be healthy. She's like a boiler with a hot fire and too small a bleed valve. The bleed valve releases some pressure and prevents the explosion for a time, but eventually the rising pressure exceeds the speed at which the steam can be bled off and, eventually... KABLAMMO!!!

Unfortunately, when the explosion does happen, she hurts everyone around her, particularly those closest to her, who love her the most. Not to mention the fact that she then has to pull herself together, and she won't even let the person who loved her close enough to help her pick up the pieces (I wish I could support her... :().

While I do acknowledge that Riin has had some legitimate beefs with me, I seriously doubt that the way she's behaving now has anything to do with me. I think the way she's treating me actually has it's roots in something that happened to her about a year ago: when her her best friend of 27 years left her (see this entry in her blog, fourth paragraph).

Her friend did the same thing to Riin as she is doing to me now, almost to the letter. Completely out of the blue, without any explanation, she just suddenly declared that she didn't want to be Riin's friend anymore. Riin was crushed by this, and rightfully so. I felt what her friend did was one of the cruelest things one Human being can do to another. I tried to get Riin to stand up for herself and tell her friend how she felt, but she just gave up on her.

I think what's happening now is that Riin couldn't get back at her friend for abandoning her so now, subconsciously, she's doing the same thing to me so she can feel, at least vicariously, as if she's exacted some kind of revenge for that pain.

Actually, truth be told the pain itself goes much further back in her psyche, but I can't go there. I won't reveal anything here that she hasn't already discussed on-line. However, I don't have to go into the details to make my point: I know her heart. I know her worth. All my friends are seeing is the cruelty she's subjected me to now. That doesn't mean that her recent cruelty is all she is any more than the abuses and mistakes I've put her through are all that I am.

I continue to fight for Riin Gill because the pattern you see above is one she's repeated time and time again. Sooner or later, Riin pushes away anyone who grows to love her, and she pushes them away in a way that hurts them so badly that, often times, they can't bear to come back to her for fear of being hurt again.

People don't get into my heart easily. People who find a special place in my heart have to earn that place. What Riin is doing now, as harsh as it is, does not belie the kindness and love she showed me over the past two and a half years, nor does it belie the fundamentally kind, generous and beautiful person Riin is, at her core.

Riin deserves to be loved. However, if she doesn't learn to talk things out and forgive people, she never will be because, sooner or later, even the healthiest relationships have problems. If Riin keeps throwing relationships away, she'll always be alone.

I don't want that to happen to her. The problem is, as things stand now, there may be nothing I can do to prevent it.

But, as long as my heart beats, I'm sure going to try.

On April 18, 2007 12:52:56 AM ADT, Anonymous wrote:
You say fundamentaly she is not cruel but later states she has a cruel streak?? What do you really mean or do you even know what you mean.
What I mean is that cruel behavior is not her normal behavior. She's a fundamentally kind person but can be cruel under certain circumstances.

We all have a dark side. We all are capable of some cruelty under the right conditions, but that does not mean that every Human being on the planet is fundamentally cruel. It's just a flaw in our nature as a species.
I think you really need a quick dose of reality and simply understand it is time to move on to bigger and better things.
So far, that's what everyone who has gotten close to her has done. Somebody has to love her enough to commit to stopping that cycle. I love her enough. I'm going to try to stop it.

Why are people so eager to give up on people nowadays, anyway? It's not just in this situation. I see it all the time. Divorces. Breakups of long-term relationships. People act like lives and relationships are like video games. If you're losing, just start the game over. Maybe that's the problem: we've developed a kind of "video game culture" where you don't have to actually commit to anyone or anything. Just start over when something doesn't go right.

Sorry, but once somebody has a piece of my heart, that's just not my nature.
Hate is a vicious word and if you keep posting about her that is what her feelings are going to turn toward you.
As far as I can tell, she's not even reading any of this, anyway. I'd like her to, but I doubt she is. At this point, I write here just to sort out my feelings.

On April 19, 2007 1:13:49 AM ADT, Anonymous wrote:
You just don't get it, do you? Your arrogant comments about how 'special' it is for someone to be let into your heart and how you are so determined that you won't give up on someone, are all about YOU. If you truly respected Riin, you would leave her alone and move on, because that's what SHE wants.
I understand, and even agree, with what you're saying. My point is, though, that most people here on line, particularly those who don't know me, continually focus on her wishes and feelings. You know, I have feelings, too, and very few people here in cyberspace seem to recognize the fact that Riin, in breaking up with me the way she's doing it, is disrespecting my feelings far more than I'm disrespecting hers.

Back when Riin and I were trying to solve our problems, we made considerable progress, thanks in no small part to a book that she found for me called The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel. Ultimately, Riin thought it was for relationships "more screwed up than ours," but I nevertheless found it very useful in understanding some elements of my own behavior, and of hers.

What originally started all this was when I tried to confront Riin with angry feelings, something which she never gave me the freedom to do (see my earlier posting, Facing Anger for more on this). Her response, and everything she's done since then, is actually outlined clearly on page 104 of Engel's book as an abusive tactic some partners will use to avoid confrontation. Here's the excerpt:
Instead of arguing, some partners will completely ignore you when you confront them about their behavior. This is itself disrespectful and abusive. In essence he is saying to you, "You're not even important enough for me to listen to or respond to." Don't let him get away with it. If he gives you the silent treatment, say, "Ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment is also emotionally abusive (or inappropriate, unacceptable, or disrespectful), and I don't appreciate it. I deserve to be heard and for my words to be honored."
That's basically what I'm trying to say here. By ignoring me and flatly refusing to even hear what I have to say, she's basically saying my feelings aren't important. It's not that I'm not willing to respect her wishes, just that if she wants me to respect her wishes, I deserve to have mine respected as well. After giving so much of myself to her, I deserve better than to be cut off completely and thrown out like a piece of garbage.

Despite that, I have been respecting Riin's wishes. If I didn't, wouldn't be writing all this stuff here. I'd be writing it to her. However, she's told me not to E-mail her, call her or post comments on her blog, so I'm respecting that. I didn't stop talking to her because I was afraid of police action. I haven't done anything wrong. I stopped solely because she wanted me to. Up to then, I honestly didn't know she actually wanted me to stop contacting her altogether.

I'm not giving up on her, but I'm not going to force my way into her personal space, either. All I'm going to do is everything possible to let her know I'm here when (and if) she's ready to talk, and I'll do anything in my power to encourage her to talk if a way that doesn't violate her wishes presents itself, but ultimately the decision to talk to me or not talk to me rests with her.

All I ask is that people remember there are two sides to this story. Riin and I both have feelings that deserve consideration.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Facing Anger

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about Riin and what happened between us. Particularly, I've been giving a lot of thought to her accusations that I am a "stalker" and how that made me feel. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I've been trying to avoid upsetting her.

For example, every time I'd post an entry to this blog about this, as I'd rewrite, I'd be constantly second guessing myself. I'd wonder if what I was saying might hurt her and, if so, can I find another way to say it that would be less hurtful. Sometimes, if I couldn't figure out a "nice" way to say something, I'd take things out entirely to avoid hurting her.

This morning, when I thought back to our recent conflicts and, particularly, the day of our breakup, I realized that this isn't a phenomenon isolated to the blog. It's what I've been doing all along.

I think it's time for me to just tell it like it is.

Riin has accused me on many occasions of being manipulative. Well, sometimes I am. We all are. Whether they admit it or not, there's not one person on this planet who hasn't been guilty, at one time or another, of trying to manipulate someone into doing something.

But Riin is easily as manipulative as I am. I'll grant she may not realize it, but she is.

When Riin and I first fell in love, the first thing Riin wanted to do was move to Canada. I tried to talk her out of it because I knew it was a crazy idea. The first thing out of her mouth, through choked back tears, was: "Don't you want me?" I mean, what can I possibly say? It was like trying to refuse a puppy a table scrap. The relationship was still brand new. I didn't want her to think I didn't love her. So I relented.

Then, when her ex-husband refused to allow her to have a polyamorous partner, she decided to leave him so she could be with me. I tried to talk her out of leaving him since I didn't think a physical relationship was that important. But she'd gotten it into her head that her husband didn't care if she was happy and implied that if I didn't go along with it that I didn't want her to be happy. So, again, she managed to push me into a decision against my better judgment.

As time went on, Riin got me all excited about the possibility of her moving to Canada. She did research on immigration, started saving money, started an on-line business all with the goal of making enough money to move here. I got so caught up in it all that I forgot my initial misgivings and started building my whole life around the idea that this wonderful, beautiful woman was coming "home" to be a member of my "family" with Lisa and I.

At first, our relationship was beautiful and happy. However, as time went on, I began to recognize a pattern in our relationship which I knew was going to cause us eventual trouble. The thing was, though, the very nature of the problem made it very difficult to deal with.

From the beginning, Riin had always told me to be honest about my thoughts and feelings. I was for most things. However, I quickly discovered that one feeling I could not express was anger. Whenever Riin said anything that made me angry, if I tried to express it, she'd start going on about how much people have yelled at her all her life. I ended up feeling guilty for making her feel bad and ended up suppressing my anger instead of expressing it.

So, every time I felt angry, I'd pretty much go through the same pattern. I'd suppress it the night she said it. The next day at work, I'd go through the whole day stewing about it. By the time I'd talk to her the next night, my anger had dissipated to the point where I felt it wasn't worth trying to confront her because I knew it would just degenerate into her manipulating me into feeling guilty for daring to be angry at her, as if being angry meant I didn't love her.

I'm a pretty easygoing guy so, at first, this didn't bother me. Then, my grandmother died. This was the first time in my adult life I'd ever lost anyone so important to me. I didn't know how to deal with it. As a result, my fuse got a lot shorter and, over time, I began to resent the fact that Riin would never allow me to express anger freely. Slowly, our fights became more and more frequent as my frustration continued to build.

It came to a head the day of the breakup. The night before, I had lost my temper when she suddenly decided not to move to Canada after I'd been building my life towards that goal for two years. As usual, she made me feel guilty for being angry so, out of force of habit, I decided to suppress my feelings and try to placate her.

However, this time I was way too angry to just suppress it. I was still furious the next day. It was her idea to move to Canada in the first place. She was the one who'd been encouraging me for two years to look forward to the day we would be together. If she's changed her mind, fine. She has that right. However, after two years of looking forward to that day, I can't just accept that instantly. I need time to adjust.

I needed room to be angry.

That's when I knew we were in serious trouble. I knew this was anger I could not suppress. I also knew Riin wouldn't want to face my anger. But I had no choice. This, I couldn't just push out of my mind. This, we had to talk about.

I called her at work with the intention of telling her how I felt and letting her know that we had to talk about it that night. I wanted to try to give her a heads up so my anger wouldn't take her off-guard that night. I was hoping this might make it easier for her to face. The problem was she was having a bad day at work so, for one last time, I decided to bury my anger. I had every intention, however, of talking to her about it that night.

I know she sensed my anger when I called. She probably expected I'd be angry when we talked that night. I suspect that, at least subconsciously, that's probably one of the major reasons why she chose to break up with me that night. She didn't want to have to deal with my anger. So, instead of dealing with it, she just pushed me away as hard as she could.

The thing she didn't anticipate, though, was my persistence. I think she assumed that I didn't love her anymore because I was so angry, so she expected I'd just roll over and give up. When I didn't, and when she began to realize I wasn't going to give up, she decided to convince herself that I'm a "stalker" in order to give herself a rationale for pushing me away without having to face me.

I will acknowledge that I am very persistent, but do not "stalk." I don't hack into people's E-mail accounts. I don't follow people around and keep track of their every move. I certainly don't make threats, and I've never hurt anyone in my life. I just don't give up trying to get them to talk things out. The problem is, if someone is obdurate in their position to the point of being childish, as Riin has been, this character trait tends to get me in trouble.

I had a situation with a friend several years ago that was almost identical. It was a friend at work I had a falling out with (I've already mentioned this in earlier postings). Virtually the same thing happened. I just wanted to talk to her, but some of her "friends" convinced her that I was trying to hurt her. So she, like Riin, she sent me an E-mail threatening to get the police.

At the time, I had no blog to publish her letter on. Still, I did take all my correspondence with her and turn it in to Human Resources. When she next went to HR to talk about the incident, she was shocked when they handed her printouts of every article of correspondence we'd exchanged, including her own E-mails. She asked them where they got them, and they told her: I provided them myself.

This made her pause. She had assumed that I was "stalking" her, as her friends claimed, and that the threat of police involvement would scare me. However, the fact that I was willing to turn over not only every word she said but every word I said suggested to her that it did not scare me. If it didn't scare me, and if I was willing to lay bare every word I'd said, she began to realize she might have read me wrong...

It was still several months before she and I spoke again, but that incident planted a seed that eventually convinced her of my true intentions. Today, she is very glad I didn't give up on her. As she's said herself recently, I'm the only friend she still has from her old home town (she moved away) that hasn't given up trying to stay in touch with her, and she greatly appreciates that I've been there for her through her toughest times. "You're always there," she says.

So, with her, persistence paid off. She has experienced my "stalking" from the inside, so to speak, and she knows from experience that it's nothing of the sort. It's just love and persistence. It's how I am. I'm fiercely loyal. That loyalty has allowed me to keep that friend who is, even to this day, one of the most important and wonderful people I've ever had the honor calling a friend.

I published Riin's letter here in my blog for the same reason I turned in my friend's correspondence to HR. Riin expected me to cower and back off because she, like my friend before, thought that once she called my actions "stalking," she'd be able to leverage that to scare me into giving up. Instead, I took the bite out of her threat by laying it open for the world to see, demonstrating I had done nothing wrong and had nothing to hide.

Recently, a friend of mine pointed out that, if Riin ever did read this blog, she would most likely object to my posting her private E-mail. Well, she should have thought of that before accusing me of "stalking" and threatening me with police action. She knows the story I've just told you about my friend. She should have known I'd respond in a similar fashion. There was nothing "private" in the message. Just her pedomorphic threat and attitude.

I've gone back and read my prior entries. Everything I've said all along is still true. However, for the most part, I've talked about what I did wrong, as if Riin was some kind of angel, infallible and perfect.

I am through shrinking away from her at the expense of my own needs. I am through dancing around her conviction that this breakup was all my fault. I am through trading my self-respect, begging her for respect as if I was some poor, miserable, pathetic piece of crap that doesn't deserve to be treated with respect just because she has decided she doesn't want to face me like an adult.

I still love Riin. I still want to work things out. However, I'm not going to work things out by slinking onto a hole and cowering instead of facing her every time things get difficult. The more I do that, the bigger her advantage, and the easier it becomes for her to manipulate me.

So, this is the truth as I see it: Riin refuses to face my anger. To avoid facing it, she's decided to throw away one of the most beautiful things she's ever made in her life as if it were an old used-up Kleenex.

What she doesn't realize is, it's not a Kleenex. It's a beautiful, knitted handkerchief that we've made over the years of our being together. It just needs a little tender loving care to clean it up. That's why I fished it out of the trash and I'm trying to give it back to her. I don't know how to care for knitted things. I need her help to clean it. It would be difficult but, with her help, we could make it beautiful again.

Unfortunately, all she can see is how hopelessly filthy it looks. In her naïveté, she doesn't believe it can be cleaned, so she refuses to even try.

If she throws it out now, she throws away the years of work that went into it... and the beauty still there...

Under the dirt.

Responses to comments on this post:

On April 10, 2007 8:13:08 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:
I have things to say. Riin refuses to face me like an adult and let me say them. So this blog is my only venting point.
I'll let Lisa answer this (if she wishes to comment).
You have no right to tell me, or the owner of any blog, what they may or may not publish. If you find my blog so boring then stop reading it. I'm not tying you to a chair and forcing you to read it.

On April 11, 2007 2:09:05 AM ADT, Lisa wrote:
Riin never really gave him an explanation as to WHY she was breaking it off with him... and I think he AT LEAST deserves to have that...
Here, Lisa echoes the opinion of a vast majority of my friends. Virtually everyone agrees that Riin shouldn't have cut me off at the knees without any explanation at all, and they support me in my feeling of indignation at that. Unfortunately, they also agree that, right or wrong, she has a right to do it and there's nothing I can do about it.

That is what's so frustrating. It's obvious what she's doing is wrong, but there's nothing I or anyone can do about it unless she is willing to do the right thing.
I AM upset that he is wanting her back into our lives, at the moment, but that is just because I am upset with her, myself, at the way she ended things. But as soon as my anger ceases to exsist, and she gives John, and I, a good explanation as to why she did this, I will have no problem bringing her back into our lives.
Actually, "bringing her back into our lives," is not my goal right now. My goal is to try to get Riin to talk to me. Where it goes from there will depend on the course of that conversation.

I firmly believe, if I could get Riin to talk to me and be willing to listen to what I have to say, yes I think we could save our relationship. The problem is, she does not want to listen and, given her level of anger, it's unlikely she would listen right now.

She recently took a personality quiz (she's always loved those), the results of which she posted on her blog. The results said, in part: "You can be stubborn and absolutely refuse to change your position once it is set, but that’s okay since you are good at covering up your mistakes." That's exactly the problem. She is being stubborn and refusing to change her position. Even if she did agree to talk to me, I wouldn't hold out much hope of that changing right now.

However, it's interesting that the quiz also indicates that her stubbornness is OK because she's good at "covering up [her] mistakes." In other words, the quiz is implying that, whenever she does get stubborn like that, she's probably making a mistake...

That being said, my ultimate goal, if I could get her to talk to me, is to try to work things out between us, but I wouldn't expect that to happen overnight. Right now, I'd be happy if she'd just have enough respect to face me and explain to me why she's doing what she's doing.

On April 12, 2007 9:03:45 AM ADT, Anonymous wrote:
There was a comment for a short time in Riin's blog from a guy claiming to be her suitor, but Riin deleted that comment fairly quickly. The last name of the guy was Frost; I don't recall the first name. Maybe this is your "troll."
Tom Frost Jr. No, he's definitely not the troll. He's a mutual friend Riin and I met on Bicycling Advocacy. He's commented to my blog from time to time, too.

The problem was, his comment on Riin's blog was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but it was worded in such a way that it probably would have started a flood of "bash the ex" comments. When I pointed that out to him, he apologized and, to my surprise, actually asked Riin to remove his comment (I hadn't asked, nor expected, him to do that, and I greatly respect the class he showed in doing so).

I was even more surprised when Riin actually did so as that was the first classy, mature thing she has done, as far as our breakup is concerned, in recent weeks. It was like getting a fleeting glimpse of the old, loving, understanding, mature Riin I fell in love with. It didn't fill me with much hope of actually reaching her, but it was nice to know that the woman I love is still in there under all that bitterness and anger...

He's also definitely not her suitor. He's pursuing someone else at the moment. He's commented about that on my blog, too. ;)

On April 12, 2007 8:07:23 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:
[A]fter reading your blog i [sic] am wondering what type of person you are calling some one a trol [sic].
I wasn't calling them a "troll" in the name calling sense. "Troll" is an Internet slang term. If you'll scroll down in this posting to where I actually used the term, you'll see it's a hyperlink. Click on it. It goes to the Wikipedia's entry on the subject.

Wiktionary defines a "troll" as "Someone who posts to a newsgroup, bulletin board, etc., in a way deliberately intended to anger other posters and draw arguments, or otherwise disrupt the group's intended purpose." The term is normally used in reference to disruptive people in on-line discussion groups and chat rooms but can be applied to anyone who posts in a public place on the Internet for the sole purpose of angering or disrupting people who read it.

That is all that person was: someone trying to stir up trouble. So I felt the term was appropriate.

On April 12, 2007 8:08:33 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:
Who is this person you called a trol [sic]?
I don't know. They post anonymously.
What did he say to you?
Lies designed specifically to get under my skin (which is what trolls do... see above). Unfortunately, the person who posted them didn't stop to think that the fact that I have character flaws does not make me an idiot. I saw through their lies from day one, and was able to prove they were lies a few days later. I've been managing E-mail groups for 11 years. I know how to spot a troll a mile away.

The lies were the reason I removed their comments. If this person wants to lie on-line, they can do it somewhere else.

Not on my blog.

On April 13, 2007 6:41:00 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:
It looks like you upset a lot of people by calling this unknown person a trol. [sic]
Actually, I've only "upset" one. This person is trying to make it look like several people by posting several separate comments, but it's definitely the same person. I can't prove it, but there is a mountain of circumstantial evidence that it's all from the same individual. The most obvious clues:
  1. They consistently make the exact same grammatical and spelling mistakes.
  2. The comments arrive in a cluster, frequently within minutes of each other.
  3. They all say basically the same thing.
When the troll reads this, I'm sure they'll now try to cover up those pitfalls, just as they stopped writing in ALL CAPS when I called them on that earlier. Doesn't matter, though. They've already made too many mistakes. I'm onto them big time. :P

I will acknowledge that I've been pretty obsessive compulsive in my postings of late, but I freely acknowledge I have a little OCD. In my experience, everyone is obsessive compulsive about something, somewhere in their lives. This troll, for example, is obsessive compulsive about trying to get under my skin.

The problem is, I'm smarter than them. At this point, I'm finding this more entertaining than annoying. I'll string them along so long as it remains entertaining, then shut them down when I tire of it. ;)
I don't know what a trol [sic] is up there where you come from, but a trol [sic] is a monster that lives under a bridge.
According to Wiktionary, it can also be:

troll (plural trolls)
1 An instance of trolling, especially, in fishing, the trailing of a baited line.
2 (internet) Someone who posts to a newsgroup, bulletin board, etc., in a way deliberately intended to anger other posters and draw arguments, or otherwise disrupt the group's intended purpose.
3 (internet) Such a deliberately inflammatory post itself.
4 (gay slang) A relatively unappealing older man who seeks out the company of younger men.

I'm using it in the sense of meaning 2.

Hey! I didn't know meaning 3, though! Cool! OK, then. That means you are a troll (for posting comments just to try to annoy me) and your comment in and of itself is a troll!

You learn something new every day. ;)

Actually, now that I think about it, meaning 1 sort of applies, since your postings are, in effect, similar to trolling a fishing line hoping I'll "take the bait," so to speak. Well, I've been taking it because this is the most fun I've had on my blog since... well, ever. I love it when I can make someone show their true colors just by giving them enough rope to hang themselves... :P
You better get your facts straignt [sic] before you use words that you do not know any thing about.
I agree. So I suggest you go to Wiktionary and check out the meanings yourself. Get your facts straight.
When you do the search, just be sure to spell it right... "troll" has two "Ls." :P

On April 13, 2007 9:35:27 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:
Have you ever seen a picture of [the mythical creature called] a trol? [sic]
Yes. My favorite depictions of them are in Brian Froud's Faeries.
Have you ever looked up the meaning of a trol [sic] in the dictionary.
Yes. That's why I know how to spell it (see above). :P
Have you ever been institutionalized in a psychiatric hospital?
No. Have you?

Any more questions? :P


I've removed that Anonymous comment from that troll that was trying to tell me Riin was in a new relationship. This excerpt, from a recent entry on Riin's blog, is why:
I’d like to have another relationship some day (not for a while, I need to clear this baggage out of my head first) . . .
So Riin, whom I know is incapable of lying, has confirmed it unequivocally: she is not in a relationship right now. This is proof positive that "Anonymous" was lying about her. Even after everything, I still love her, and I refuse to allow anyone to spread falsehoods about someone I love.

Friday, April 13, 2007

She Stole My Color Scheme! :P

You know, every time I mention anyone in a blog entry, I prefer to link their name back to something that tells a little bit about them so, if a new reader happens across my blog, they can click on the person's name to get a little background and know who I'm talking about.

Every time I mention Lisa, though, I've never had anything to link her name to. Every time I mention her in an entry, before I post it, I always turn and ask her if she's created any new web pages, blogs etc. I can link to. Her answer has always been no...

Until today.

Lisa finally has a blog! As of this writing, it's still pretty bare bones (she only set it up at 5:00 this morning while I was in bed), but at least now I have something to link back to when she comes up here (speaking of which, click on her name above to see her new on-line home ;)).

I like the color scheme she chose... it looks strangely familiar, though... :P

On April 13, 2007 6:54:49 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:
Oh boo hoo, she stoled [sic] your color scheme, are you a man or a mouse?or [sic] are you on something? maybe [sic] you are back drinking. I really think that is your problem.
Normally, I wouldn't bother publishing childishness like this. However, Lisa was sitting next to me while I was moderating comments and, when she saw me go to reject it, she said: "I'd like to say something about that." So I imagine she'll be adding a comment here when I turn the computer back over to her...

OK, Lisa. The floor is yours. ;)

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Show and Tell

I'd like to address Riin about things she said about me in her last blog posting:
I have a lot of negative feelings toward John, but I don’t see any need to subject you all to them.
I agree. So why not subject me to them? I'm the one you're angry with. You'll feel a lot better if you confront me with them.
I’ll just say I’ve figured out a lot, so it’s been a learning experience.
So have I. I'm not the same man you left a month ago.

That's why I think we need to talk.
I’m just so much happier without him. It really is amazing how unhappy he was making me.
You know, you're not the only one who was unhappy. I've made mistakes, yes, but it wasn't all me. I had my issues with you, too. I don't think it's fair that you continue to trumpet how unhappy I made you without taking any responsibility for your part in this (relationships that go this bad invariably do so because of mistakes made on both sides).

You say this was a learning experience for you. Why is it so hard for you to believe that it might have been a learning experience for me, too? All you have to do is read this blog to see many of the revelations I've come to over the past month. Writing here has been therapeutic for me, just as writing in private has been to you. I'm willing to bet I've learned just as much.

All I'm asking is for you to talk to me. See for yourself if I've learned anything. Maybe, just maybe, between what you learned and what I learned, we might find the basis for a new understanding between us. Or maybe we won't. But if we don't even try, something good could be thrown away, and we'd never know it. Regardless how it comes out, we lose nothing by talking.

We were happy once. For two years. If we lasted that long, we must've had something special. At the very least, the basis of a friendship.

Before you throw us away completely, at least give us the benefit of the doubt.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

A Sobering Experience

While I was waiting in line at Subway at lunch today, I had a surprisingly disturbing experience.

The lineup was long. There was a guy behind me in line. He recognized one of his friends further ahead in line and asked him if he remembered talking to him last night. His friend looked befuddled. He wasn't sure. It wasn't until I listened to a bit more of the conversation (it was hard to miss with these two guys shouting back and forth past me) that I gathered that this guy's friend was totally plastered the night before and apparently remembered very little.

As the conversation progressed, I found myself actually shuddering at what I was hearing. These guys were actually laughing about how little this guy could remember about the conversation. From the way they were talking, it sounded like this was a regular occurrence for these guys, as if this is the way they spent every weekend.

I used to be a heavy drinker. Listening to these guys was even harder for me because I heard just a little too much of me in them.

When I was a young adult, I never thought I'd ever drink. My father was an alcoholic. I didn't want to take the chance that I might end up one. However, the drinking culture is huge in Nova Scotia and particularly in Cape Breton. The conversation I heard was not the first time I've heard such conversations. I hear them every day from people of all ages everywhere I go. Getting blotto until you can't remember your own name is a common weekend activity here.

One day many years ago, a friend of mine talked me into trying some of his homemade beer. It was delicious. I ended up developing a taste for beer. Still, I didn't have very much money back then and didn't have much opportunity to drink, so it pretty harmless at that point.

It wasn't until I got my first real job, canvassing for Greenpeace, that I started on my downward spiral. The guys on the Greenpeace team were "classic" Cape Bretoners. The job was stressful (Greenpeace isn't exactly popular around here, so door-to-door canvassing was often tough). Being the stereotypical Cape Bretoners, they dealt with that stress by literally getting blasted the moment they came back from almost every night of work...

I got drunk for the first time with them. I was drinking draught. I didn't even realize it was happening. I was just thirsty, so I kept drinking glass after glass after glass... until I couldn't even stand and ended up sick as a dog for most of the night.

The problem was, despite that, I was having fun with these people. Prior to that, I never understood why people drank. It seemed pointless to me. I preferred to stay in control of my faculties. After the Greenpeace experience, however, I started to see how much "fun" drinking could be.

But it wasn't the drinking that was fun. I realize, looking back on it now, that it was the people that were fun. They were some of the most fun people I've ever hung out with. They were a great bunch of people. They made you feel like you mattered. They made you feel wanted. They just made you feel good. I felt good just seeing them when I went to work long before I took drink one.

Unfortunately, however, the connection of drinking=fun had been made in my brain... and, as my earlier post Time for Change demonstrates, once an idea gets into my head, it can have a tendency to take deep root...

When I started work where I work now, it only reinforced this perception. I work at a call center and, whenever I'm out on the production floor, I can't get through the day without hearing someone talking about getting a two-four and getting tanked over the weekend. Plus, in the beginning, Lisa and I used to attend a lot of the company parties, and there was plenty of drinking at them, too. I got knocked on my a** more than once at those parties...

While working there, I had a serious falling out with a dear friend. It was a lot like the situation I'm in with Riin today, and just as serious. I never thought she and I would ever speak again. Fortunately, by being patient and never giving up, I was finally able to reach her and work things out. Today, she's one of the dearest people in the world to me. However, back then, the pain of losing her friendship was just as crippling as what I'm going through now.

Back then, I turned to alcohol to numb the pain. I was constantly depressed and at least, once I got enough drinks into me, for a while I forgot about the pain. I just laughed and stumbled around my apartment, pestering the life out of Lisa with a sting of horrible puns or jokes (I get really goofy when I've been drinking) or calling my friends and making a total a** of myself telling the same jokes over and over again...

Of course, drinking every weekend to forget the pain allowed a lot of other things to go to hell in a hand basket. My apartment turned into such a housekeeping disaster that, even today, it's never fully recovered. I just can't get it clean the way it used to be. Fortunately, Lisa's stepfather, bless his soul, has offered to help us get it cleaned up properly and, once it is, I'm never letting it get like this again. I haven't even been able to have guests over in years... :(

By the time I met Riin, my drinking had become a weekend ritual of sorts. Every weekend, I'd do pretty much the same thing: go the movies on Friday night and Saturday afternoon, get blasted Saturday night and "recover" on Sunday. Even after I joined Velo Cape Breton and started riding my bike on the weekends, I'd be riding on Saturday morning and I'd still get blasted that night, then end up having to do my Sunday ride with a hangover.

Basically, I didn't have time to actually do anything with my life because I was spending most of my free time watching movies and getting drunk. I can't even remember how many incidents I had where I couldn't remember anything about the night before during that period of my life...

When Riin met me, she saw this pattern. She knew I was in trouble. The problem is, I couldn't see it. She tried so hard to tell me how bad drinking was for me. She bombarded me with studied on the harm of alcohol (she does work in a medical library, so she has access to plenty of studies on all health topics that the average person doesn't). The problem was, I didn't see it as a problem at the time, so I resented her trying to hard to "change me."

In fact, the first time she tried to leave me, one of the things I did to convince her to stay was to promise to stop drinking. That made a huge difference. That's probably what reversed her decision that very first time. The problem was, I kept my word at first, but I ended up resenting her for it and ended up backsliding. I didn't return to binge drinking right away, but I did return to drinking three or four beers on the weekend.

The second time Riin tried to leave me (which was the event that prompted the Time for Change posting), I almost went back to my old pattern. I attended a Velo Cape Breton event that night and started drinking. I got to five drinks before I got a call about a family emergency and had to leave. If I hadn't got that call, I probably would have gotten totally sloshed. Just like before. Drink to forget the pain.

After that, since I'd already broken my word, anyway, I figured I might as well go whole hog. When a friend of mine came down from away, we went to another friend's place and I bought an eight pack of Molson Canadian Cold Shots and a two-four of regular Canadian. That was the last time I ever got drunk. I can only barely remember the ride home and they told me about me saying stuff that night that I can't even remember now...

It was what happened a few days later that finally shocked the point home for me. I was in the grocery store and ran into the daughter of one of my friends. She asked me, "Do you remember me calling and saying hi to you when you were at Dad's?"

I didn't remember. Not at all.

That hurt me really badly. I care a lot about her. She's a cool kid. I couldn't believe I couldn't remember her talking to me that night. I felt like total crap. Even on my worst nights, that had never happened before. Not that I didn't forget things that happened, but I never forgot entire encounters with people like that, particularly not people I care about.

That's when I finally realized I had a problem. So this time, I made a promise to myself that I knew I could keep, and I made it for myself, not for Riin, so there would be no resentment: I promised myself never to drink more than two drinks in a night again. Ever.

And I haven't. Not once since that day. And I know I never will again.

Now, you're probably wondering, "Well, what makes this time different from the last time? How do you know you won't do it again?" Legitimate questions. Unfortunately, I don't have a definite answer for the first one... but I do have an answer for the second one.

I'm not an idiot. I haven't deluded myself into believing Riin and I are going to get back together. I'm continuing to keep up hope, not because I expect things to improve, but because my principles say that if I give up completely, I'm saying that Riin isn't worth anything to me. I cannot say that. I can respect her space, but I cannot give up hope. That doesn't mean, however, that I haven't recognized the situation for what it is: a Kobayashi Maru.

That being said, as far as Riin is concerned, there's no longer any reason not to drink. It doesn't matter. I remember the first night I thought that. I was at the movies to see Shut Up and Sing. I thought to myself, "I'm going to get some beer and get blasted to forget this terrible pain." I was looking forward to that.

I walked home that night. On my way, when I got to the Prince and George Street intersection, I glanced to my left down to where the liquor store was, intending to start towards it.

I felt instantly repulsed at the very idea.

That's the way I've felt ever since that night. The only times I've been in the liquor store since was when picking up rum for Lisa, who does still drink. Every time I go in there, I feel the same revulsion at the sight, sound and smell of the place. I just don't want to go in there. I only do it because I promised Lisa she wouldn't have to quit just because I did. However, if I never had to go in there ever again, I wouldn't miss it. Not at all.

I can't tell you why I feel this way. All I can tell you is that now, as I am today, the very idea of taking just one drink, never mind getting drunk, just makes me sick to my stomach. I'm feeling that nausea even now as I write this.

I haven't had so much as a single drink since that night. Not one. I feel no resentment that I can't drink. I can. I just don't want to. In fact, I feel relieved. Drinking wasted my time. Drinking wasted my money. I don't want it anymore. Ever.

Of everyone in my life, I think Riin was hurt more by my drinking than anyone else. I only wish I could tell Riin she was right. I only wish I could thank her for trying to put me on the right path, because I think she was a big part of what finally got me over it. I couldn't have done it without her. I know that.

But, most importantly, I only wish I could tell her how sorry I am for letting my drinking hurt her. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am for going back on my word. My promise to stop drinking was the only time, in all the time we were together, that I ever went back on my word.

I just wish I could have a moment, particularly after all she tried to do to help me, to apologize to her for all that and let her know that her effort wasn't in vain: she set me free.

Even if I could tell her, though, she probably wouldn't believe me...

I wouldn't blame her...

I still wish I could say it, anyway. After all she's been through with me, she deserves it.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Response to Riin's Comment

For the first time, Riin made a direct comment on her blog about me. I feel I have a right to respond to it. Although I would technically prefer to respond with a comment to her blog (since that's where it appears), I cannot as I promised I wouldn't and I'm a man of my word.
I found when I googled “stalking” the description fit what he was doing exactly.
Right after she made her accusation of stalking, I did the same search. It was the Wikipedia's entry on stalking I found most useful. When I read it, I certainly can't deny that I did do some of the things listed there. I even admitted as such in my earlier posting, Tactical Alert.

However, one thing that article said that caught my attention was: "the perpetrator may or may not have malicious intent."

IMHO, if a person genuinely does not have any malicious intent, then he or she is not a "stalker." Myself, I was simply making every effort, in a bad situation, to try to communicate with someone I love. I don't think it's fair to lump good people who are simply making an effort to reach someone they love to work things out as "stalkers." I explain my position on that in my earlier posting, No Justice.

Riin has a tendency, the moment she sees something in print, to immediately take it as fact and take the information completely out of context without considering the bigger picture. In this case, she's talking about someone (me) who has no criminal record of any kind. There's a reason I don't have a criminal record: I have never hurt anyone. For someone to slap a label like "stalker" on me just because some website told them to is just crazy.

I think what she's really doing here is leveraging the "stalker" label just to get her way.
I’m now very glad he lives very far away. I finally told him to stop calling me, emailing me and leaving comments on my blog (he was doing all three frequently and you didn’t even see the nauseatingly mushy comments I deleted) . . .
Again, I already described how "frequently" I called and E-mailed her in my earlier posting. Anyone who'd like to see the actual correspondence is still welcome to see it. Just ask. I have nothing to hide.

When I first read "very glad he lives very far away," I thought for a moment that Riin was afraid of me. It's possible she might well be, but having known her for three years, the next part of what she says strongly suggests otherwise when she comments on the "nauseatingly mushy comments" I made (incidentally, she used to love comments like that). From what I know of Riin, that sounds more like anger than fear.

That being said, I personally think that's what all this is really about. She's angry, and when she gets angry, she gets unreasonable, not to mention irrational. For example, threatening to call the police on someone 2500 km away who hasn't made any threats and has no criminal record is just ludicrous. The police would probably just laugh her right off the phone, and rightfully so.

I had a genuine online stalker once years ago. He was making veiled threats, but the police weren't able to do a thing because I hadn't saved any of the "threatening" correspondence. The only piece of correspondence I did save was a message he "mail bombed" me with (he sent 37,000 duplicates of it to my E-mail account). However, since that message merely said "I love you," the police could not consider it a threat and could do nothing.

Even if Riin saved every word of my correspondence, I have not made any threats. The police would undoubtedly tell her the same thing they told me in my situation.

I stopped contacting her not because I was afraid of police involvement but because I want to respect her wishes. Until then, she hadn't told me not to contact her. In fact, although she offered no hope of rekindling our original relationship, she did say that we would probably eventually be friends again. She didn't "slam the door" on me until later when she sent me that threat, which came as a complete surprise.

This isn't about me being a stalker. This is about Riin being angry and not wanting to have to deal with me. It's the same thing she's done to many people before me. When she's angry, she doesn't care how the other person feels. All that matters is how she feels and she doesn't care how hard she stomps on someones heart so long as she gets her point across.

So why don't I give up? Because I know why she's doing that. I know her history. I know where her pain is coming from. I know she doesn't really want to hurt anyone. She's just tired of hurting herself, so she pushes away people who love her because it's too painful for her to deal with when things get rough. When things are rough, love is painful and she doesn't want to deal with it.

The problem with that is, though, is that she ends up hurting the people who love her along the way...
He’s probably still hoping I’ll “come to my senses some day” or some stupid crap. I came to my senses when I finally got up enough strength to dump him.
Partially true. I think, one day, she will start to miss what we had but, like she did when she first fell in love with me, she'll suppress those feelings. So, will she "come to her senses?" Probably not. Not on her own, anyway and, unfortunately, right now there's no one there who can help her see the other side of the equation.

So right now, unless fate intervenes, things are not likely to change.

On April 3rd at 10:22 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:
You don't seem to be a monster or a stalker . . .
I'm glad you recognize that because that means I've been explaining myself well.
. . . however you picture looks scary!
LOL! Geez... most people think I look sad in that picture. Riin herself, in our happier days, said that I looked like "part of my soul was missing" in that picture.
[B]ased on her comments on her blog she looks like she is turning her back on some if not all the good times shared with you in the past. To give up this easy is fishy! Something is going on . . .
You're not the first person to think there's something she's not telling me. I agree. Most people think she's found someone else. I don't think that's it. I'm not saying it's not possible, but we were polyamorous, so she could have pursued, even had, someone else without ever having to leave me. Besides, if she did have someone else, she probably would have mentioned it on her blog by now. I suspect there's something else I don't know about here...
[S]he should be ashamed how she threw away something that seemed so good so easy wihtout any remorse.
Well, in all fairness to her, we don't really know if she's experiencing any remorse. Just because she's putting up an angry, brave front on her blog doesn't mean she isn't feeling some remorse privately. If she is, she'd probably never admit it because to do so would be to admit that she might be making a mistake and, if Riin has one big fault, it's a difficulty in admitting when she's wrong...

If I had to guess based on what I know of her, she probably is feeling at least some remorse (we had a lot of good times... she wouldn't be Human if she didn't feel at least a little regret) but, as I've mentioned before, she's probably denying it to herself, just as she denied her love for me in the beginning.
I dated a few guys in my life and parted ways either by my decision or theirs but at least we remained friends! In this case she is not giving you the time or day and is labelling you as a stalker per sey!
Exactly. The least she could do, after nearly three years together, is talk to me. Instead, she's decided to leverage society's paranoia with stalkers to get her way without having to have a rational, adult discussion with me about what's really bothering her.

The problem with that is, if you've ever tried doing a Google search on "stalker," you'll find that the advice most often given to victims of stalking is to cut all ties with the stalker and offer no explanation, which is exactly what she's doing. Personally, I think Riin needed to convince herself I am a stalker so she could justify cutting me off at the knees without making herself look like the bad guy.

That's my theory, anyway.
She deserves not to speak about or too you in the future! Shame on her...
I appreciate your support but, in all fairness, I don't believe that Riin deserves such a harsh admonishment.

There are some who have been following my story here that actually agree with Riin that I am a stalker. I feel that their assessment is unfair insofar as they're passing judgment on me on the basis of this one event in my life without knowing anything else about me. They don't know anything about the relationship. They don't know anything about the circumstances under which it ended. It's not fair to judge if you haven't been in the other person's shoes.

That door swings both ways. I don't think it's fair for anyone to judge Riin until they've walked in her shoes (or sandals in her case), either. Take it from me. I've seen her heart. She is not a monster any more than I am. Please, don't judge her too harshly. She's just tired of hurting, and, right or wrong, she's just doing the only thing she knows how to stop the pain.

Remember: I wouldn't be so determined to reach her if she really was the monster she's appeared to be this past month...

On April 4th at 9:12 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:
Have you ever thought she might of gone back to her husband?
No. That's not possible. Trust me on that.

Honstly, I wish she could, though. I never wanted her to leave him in the first place.

On April 4th at 9:18 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:
Riin is so cute . . .
I would have said beautiful. Potayto, potahto, I suppose.
. . . and you are one ugly dude.
Well, that was uncharitable and immature. Still, you didn't call me childish names (as one other commenter insists upon doing) so I'll allow it.
What in Gods name did she see in you? It can't be money because you spend every dime on yourself so maybe she is blind as you are.
Spent every dime on myself? Where did you get that idea?

Maybe you'd better read this earlier posting before you pass judgment on where I spend my money...

Monday, April 02, 2007

A Long Yarny Day


For the first time since she broke up with me, Riin actually mentioned the breakup in her most recent post as of this writing, A Long Yarny Day.

So, it seems that she's done taking time for herself. That's good. At least that means she's recovering emotionally. What this will mean for our relationship, however, is anyone's guess.

I'd like to hope that, as she recovers, she'll start to miss what we had and reconsider her position. However, I can't bear to hope that as I've hoped that in the past and had my hopes dashed into a million pieces shortly thereafter. Besides, I know Riin. Even if she does start to miss me, she'll just suppress those feelings, just as she suppressed her feelings of love for me in the beginning and, chances are, she'll never let them out if left to her own devices.

That's the frustrating thing. Normally, I'd be the one helping her through this, but she won't even let me speak to her...

I just wish I could help... and I know I could, if only I could reach her. I know exactly how to make her feel better. I always did. Problem is, I got so selfish and self-centered that I spent too much time talking about my own feelings and not enough time considering hers.

I want to reach out to her... but I know my hands would only be slapped away... and I think it's the fact that I can't help her that hurts just as much, if not more, than the loss of her.

Also, one last thing I'd like to mention. My original life partner, Lisa Brewer, has been through a lot since Riin broke up with me, too. She loved her, too, and she's just as hurt as I am, not to mention angry with Riin over the way she's handled this and how she's hurt me in the process. I'd just like to say thank you, Lisa, for sticking by me through this. I wouldn't know how to survive this without you. *HUG*

I love you both. I always will.