I hesitated to write them down because, while they're not all about Riin, some of them are and, to be honest, I really don't feel like talking about her anymore. Not that I don't love her anymore or that I've given up. It's just that, at this point, I've said it all already. I don't want to keep rehashing it. Still, there are a few things that I've never said, mostly because they're a bunch of small things, each one too small to dedicate a full blog entry to.
So I figured I'll take a cue from Riin and throw them all together into my own "random thoughts." I don't want to use that term for them, though. That's Riin's. Hm... I think I'll call them "loose ends."
So. Loose ends:
I had an irritating exchange with my neighbour across the hall this past Easter. For those of you who don't live in Nova Scotia, shopping on Sunday was only recently legalized here (we were the last province to do it). Ever since then, I've done my grocery shopping on Sunday. Now, the exchange with my neighbour was friendly enough until I mentioned that I was going out to get groceries a day early on Saturday because the stores will be closed on Easter Sunday.
As she walked away from me, she muttered: "Well, you have to respect the Lord at least one day a year."
Well, I thought to myself, to hell with you, lady. I resent the insinuation that just because I don't interpret "God" in the Christian way, then I don't "respect" Him. I'm not Christian. I resent your insinuation that everyone should be (and that is what your statement implied). Damn, people like that irritate me. I don't presume to dictate to her what she should believe. Where does she get off dictating to me what I should believe...?
I recently had a heated exchange with a friend at work about my Studded Tires rant. She jumped down my throat, saying if I don't drive a car I have no business telling people when to put on or take off their studs. Welcome to my world, girl. People who haven't ridden bikes in decades like to tell me how to ride my bike, too. When they stop doing that, I'll stop complaining about people who are irresponsible with studded tires.
My sister Mandy and I took our mother out to dinner for mother's day. Like myself, Mandy has gone through a recent breakup, and we got talking about breakups in general. At one point, I mentioned how cruel I felt Riin was being, pushing me out of her life so callously. My mother said something that surprised me. "I've done that to people before," she said, "but it wasn't until I got older that I realized how much I was hurting people doing it."
That made me stop and think. I recently said that Riin had a cruel streak in her. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe what she really has is a clueless streak. That's easier for me to believe. She is clueless about some things (as we all are). It's not too much of a stretch to think that she may have no idea how cruel it is to push someone who loves her out of her life.
I don't know for sure either way but, until I do, I'm going to err on the side of compassion and assume I was wrong about her being cruel. That being said, I apologize both to her and to my readers for having said that.
In her recent entry, Riin says she's happier because people aren't yelling at her anymore. I never used to yell at her but, as I said in my recent post Facing Anger, I was yelling at her more often since my grandmother died. That's probably a big part of the reason why she left. I agree she shouldn't have to live her life with people yelling at her all the time, but she can't go through life expecting never to be yelled at ever.
If being yelled at is what she's afraid of, that would explain why she's not willing to talk things out with me. She's afraid I'll yell at her and, if we try to talk on the phone right now, she's probably right. I'm still pretty angry. I do think Riin and I need to communicate but, given the way we both feel right now, I think it'd be wiser to do it through E-mail. We could start by her sending me these private thoughts she's been writing about me and go from there.
I'm not very happy in life right now. Not so much due to recent events but life in general. I'm not anywhere near where I wanted to be in life right now. I'm sick of call center work. I want to do something with my life, but I feel like I'm in a rut with no way out. I started to climb out of it, then recent events pulled the rug out from under me and I fell into another one of my depressions. I've been there ever since.
I feel overwhelmed by the mess of this place. There's so much crap around here, I can't even begin to figure out how to even start. Yet I'm sick of living this way. I want to clean it up, but I don't know where to begin and I'm ashamed to ask for help and let anyone I know see the disgusting mess of this place.
I'm getting sick of mechanical problems with my bike. I knew it was a rental. I knew the back wheel was weak and had a flat spot. I knew I'd probably be dealing with broken spokes. The guys at the bike shop did warn me I'd probably have problems with it, but I thought I could get one season out of it. Unfortunately, this is the second spoke I've broken. I could get a new wheel, but I'm trying to save money here.
When am I ever going to find the time, or energy, to write again? I used to love writing screenplays. After all the pain I've been through lately, I've probably got oodles of story seeds in my head just waiting to grow. So how come none have taken root? And even if they do, will I be able to get enough time to myself to be able to write on a computer that I have to share?
OK. I'm talked out.
I need to go to bed... but I probably won't sleep well... there's another problem lately...
I'm feeling kinda discouraged tonight... does it show...?
On May 15, 2007 1:40:18 AM ADT, Chicklet wrote:
John, you know... all you need to do is ask when you want to write, and I would give the computer over to you . . . so what, if i complain about you asking for it? I'd give up and go to the TV after a bit anyway...The problem is, though, that by the time you do "give up and go to the TV," the argument to get the computer has generally knocked me out of the mood to write. Even if it doesn't, sometimes you end up complaining "what am I going to do now?" for the first half hour I am using the computer and distract me when I am trying to write.
You have the computer all day while I'm at work and even after I go to bed (since you stay up until nearly sunrise most mornings). It's sort of frustrating that you complain at all when I want to use it when I get home.
I mean, it's not like there's nothing else to do. You always have at least a half dozen shows on the DVR and, even on those rare days you don't, we have a sizeable collection of DVDs. Besides, I could use some help with picking up around here. Why not do that? Part of the reason the place gets into such a state is because I don't get much help with it and it's hard to keep up with two people worth of clutter.
Yes, you help a little, but I do work. I need more help than I'm getting, particularly given how untidy we both are by nature. You say you resent having to clean up my mess, but you frequently leave just as much mess as I do, particularly in the winter when somehow all of your coats end up migrating from the closet to the couch one by one. Yes, I know you can't reach the hangers, but that is a mess of yours that I have to deal with.
My point is, we share a living space. Whenever either of us does cleaning, we're inevitably going to clean up some of the other person's mess. That's impossible to avoid, and it's sort of frustrating to think you resent it so much.
Yes, I know your back is sore, too. I could help you with that if you'd just let me give you a back rub once in a while. And I don't mean a rub through your clothes while you're still sitting at the computer. I mean a back rub, laying on the bed so there's no stress on your back and I can get at all the muscle groups that bother you. I'd love to do that, anyway, but you're rarely in bed when I'm home and, when you are, you're generally asleep already.
Maybe if you'd let me give you a back rub at least once in a while, maybe your back wouldn't be so sore and you could help out more which, in turn, would give you something to do when I want to use the computer and help me out with this mess. Heck, I'd be able to do more cleaning around here if I didn't feel so overwhelmed, and I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed if I felt like I had more help...
Hm... seems to me that those back rubs, which should theoretically be fun for both of us, might be the key to a lot of these problems... ;)