Unbelievable...

Unbelievable; her "new" blog wasn't even 10 days old and already she's managed to slide in a reference to having been in "an emotionally abusive relationship with [a] cyclist . . ."

For somebody who wants nothing to do with me, Riin sure talks about me enough...

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On October 18, 2007 1:03:19 AM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

Aw, you got mentioned in the paper -- er, I mean, a blog -- aren't you proud...

No; shocked.

If you think that having been in, and then extracted oneself from, an emotionally abusive relationship isn't . . . a big part of someone's life at that time, then you're obviously unclear on the concept. Of COURSE it gets mentioned when one is describing . . . "why I now avoid stuff I used to love."

I am perfectly clear on the concept. If you think that Riin was the only one who was "emotionally abused," think again; this sword is double-edged.

A reference indicates the level of trauma she experienced, yet you seem to think it's a sign that she's pining away for you.

No. Talking to her friends about it privately would indicate the level of trauma she's experienced; talking about it publicly is a whole other ball o' yarn. Sue, a past commenter here, actually took me to task for discussing things about Riin publicly that I shouldn't have; I've since taken those down when I realized she was right.

"But you mention Riin all the time on your blog," some might say. Quite true but, then again, I have been forthright from the outset that I am trying to get Riin's attention. If I didn't want her attention, I wouldn't be broadcasting my pain across the globe; I'd be talking about it only with my close friends in private.

In my opinion, there are only four possible motivations Riin could possibly have for mentioning her trauma publicly:

1. She's playing for sympathy.
2. She's trying to get back at me.
3. She's trying to get my attention.
4. She's "pining away for [me]."

Honestly, I seriously doubt it's 4 (don't put words in my mouth). Even if she still has feelings for me (and, according to my personal beliefs on the dynamics of love she must), "pining" was never Riin's way even when we were together, much less now. No, I think her actions are motivated, not by love, but by anger and self-righteousness; this, she is prone to.

I think it's a combination of options 1-3 in descending order.

First and foremost, I think she's playing for sympathy. Even when we were together, she had a strong tendency to play the victim, even with me. She used to tell me all the ways people had wronged her and how angry and powerless she was to prevent it all. Hell, until recently that was pretty much all she ever did on her blog, for that matter (now pretty much all she talks about is knitting which, I think, is a distinct improvement).

Second, she definitely wants to get back at me; no question of that. She was forced to take down the libelous comment about me (of course, she did it under the guise of "starting over" so she wouldn't have to admit she was wrong) so, the first opportunity she had she put up something she knew would annoy me but that I can't say anything about because, unfortunately, I can't deny the truth in it.

The third ties into the second; she can't get back at me without getting my attention, and I know she knows I'm reading her blog. So I have no doubt that she is playing for my attention, not to get me back, but to twist the proverbial knife.

In fact, not mentioning the relationship at all would be rather unhealthy of her; it would seem to indicate some ongoing state of denial or not having come to grips with the situation.

I agree, but none of that changes the fact that she could choose to talk about it privately as opposed to in a public forum; she chooses to speak publicly. There is absolutely no reason to do so outside of the aforementioned four motivations.

I for one am very glad to see that she seems to be moving on in a healthy manner.

"Healthy?" Hardly. All she ever talks about is how I was "emotionally abusive." Not once has she ever admitted to being at fault herself. "Healthy" would be a balanced admission that we were both at fault. She's always had trouble facing her own faults; this has destroyed every emotionally significant relationship Riin has ever been in:

1. Her father.
2. Her mother.
3. M (best friend 27 years).
4. Peter Alway (ex-husband 14 years).
5. Ken Kifer.
6. Me.

All you have to do to see the swath of emotional destruction in her wake is do a search of the archives of Bicycling Advocacy and CarFree and do a Wayback Machine search on her former blog; she talks about them all.

The only one of these relationships that didn't technically self destruct is Ken Kifer, and then only because he didn't live long enough to be subjected to Riin's abuses; in that sense, he was the lucky one of the six of us. Still, Riin's abusive side is a fairly creative one; eventually, she found a way to betray even him.

Following his death, she took over care of his Yahoo! Group, the aforementioned Bicycling Advocacy. She told me on countless occasions how important that group was to Ken. So what does she ultimately do with it? She abandons it to me, a man she considers so reprehensible that she can't even bring herself to face me and talk through our issues like adults. She could have turned the group over to the other co-moderator, but she didn't; she just turned her back.

She didn't even have the decency to say goodbye to the members when she left. I mean, if you're just a member of a group, OK you don't owe anyone anything, but when it's your group, you owe it to the members to at least let them know you're leaving and let them know who will be in charge when you're gone; you don't just leave.

On her old blog, Riin once said that she felt like a traitor; she just didn't know to who or what. I think a part of her, deep down, knows the answer to that: Ken Kifer. If Ken's memory meant anything to her at all, she would never have turned her back on a piece of him so callously.

Riin is just as abusive as I am; she just won't admit it to herself. If she doesn't admit it soon so she can do something about it, she probably always will be abusive and her relationships will continue to fail, one by one, leaving a string of shattered hearts.

Right now, what she's doing is avoiding. She wants to pretend she hasn't done anything wrong so she doesn't have to feel guilty. Now, I don't advocate living a life of guilt, as I've seen so many people do, but there are times when one should feel guilty. I do. I feel guilty for everything I've done to hurt Riin. She, on the other hand, apparently feels no remorse whatsoever for the pain she's caused me, or any of the other five she's turned her back on.

I guess she's not ready to face her darker half; until she is, she is not "healthy."

Of course, in my experience, no one truly is...

On October 19, 2007 1:32:12 AM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

Well, I totally agree that it's inappropriate for you to give her personal details without her explicit permission -- such as, oh, for example, a list of people you claim she's hurt (whether you're right or wrong about that is not the issue, but I don't accept it as fact, I accept it as something you claim). Including naming names in some cases! You should be ashamed!

Then so should she. I haven't revealed any names she hasn't already; see the above links.

You will note that she did not mention you by name.

The trick all libelers use to avoid legal issues; morally, it's still the same.

My whole point in my comment was that she was giving an overview of her life of late and of some major changes and the reasons behind them.

All of which she had no reason, aside from the ones I gave earlier, to do in public.

Take note, please, that I never said that you weren't also emotionally abused.

Not directly, but you claimed I "wasn't clear on" what it is to be in or get out of an abusive relationship. That implies I haven't had any experience with it; that further implies that I've not been abused.

In fact, I never said that she was.

Again, by telling me the "trauma" of the abuse was probably the motivation behind her actions, you implied it very clearly; if she wasn't abused, your argument means nothing.

She is probably NEVER going to be able to leave out that part when describing big changes in her life.

Sure she can. Just as she did in her personal info page: "For a long time I rode a bike everywhere, but that really wasn't making me happy anymore." That's all that really needs to be said, unless somebody actually asks why it "doesn't make [her] happy."

[S]he is doing well . . .

Too well. She's suffered no consequences for the people she's crushed in her wake; not just me.

My opinion? Sure, but I'm entitled to it.

Case Closed

Well, the man who's been trying to reach me since Friday finally caught up to me last night.

He was simply the detective that I was told would visit. He just wanted to make sure I got the letter from the University of Michigan Department of Public Safety. The reason he hasn't been identifying himself was because he didn't know how much Lisa knew about my situation and didn't want to tell her he was police lest he embarrass me. I'm not so sure it's a wise policy not to identify yourself when you come to someone's door, but I understand why he did it.

At least now it's over. Now I know he wasn't some wingnut trying to hurt Lisa or myself. Finally, I can relax.

My greatest relief, however, is that he was not here to serve me papers; I don't have to file any complaints. Riin took down the libelous comment about me. She respected my feelings; I will respect hers. Finally, I can put this situation to rest. I still hope Riin will decide to contact me to bury the hatchet some day but, until, or if, that day comes, I will respect her feelings and not contact her as long as she continues to respect mine and not vilify me in public.

Now all I have to do is figure out what to do about the troll who posted a comment here a few days ago claiming to be Riin and daring me to call her. Whoever you are, be advised that being flawed (as we all are) does not make me stupid. Even when we were together, Riin only ever commented on this blog once in all the time it's been here. She doesn't comment here; she never has. If you were really Riin, you would E-mail me or call me, not comment here.

Since I knew the comment could not be from Riin, I brought it up with the police officers while they were here. They told me that, if I filed a complaint, it would be investigated. They have computer experts that handle this kind of thing. So, I kept a record of the comment but did not publish it (that's why there's a "deleted comment" listed in the comments on the previous post). The police can get the IP address from Blogger if I choose to pursue it.

Up to now, I was willing to let the childishness in the comments here slide, but writing here, pretending to be Riin? That crosses the line. If you'd been successful and had tricked me into calling her, that could've hurt her. The fact that you failed in your attempt is irrelevant; I cannot discount the intent to cause her harm. Whatever else has happened, I still love her and I will not tolerate anyone deliberately setting out to cause her harm.

Be advised a complaint will be filed, and the IP traced, if I ever see another comment from "Riin" in this blog.

Now that that's been said, I wish Riin all the love and luck in the world; my door will always be open to her.

An Acceptable Compromise... I Hope...

It would seem that Riin has, perhaps unwittingly, offered me an acceptable compromise I can live with.

On Wednesday, October 3, 2007, I received a following letter, Registered Mail, from the Department of Public Safety, University of Michigan:

Mr. Ardelli:

My name is **** *****, and I am a Detective with the University of Michigan Department of Public Safety. On 9/4/2007 Riin Gill filed a report with our Department [sic] alleging that she has asked you on more than one occasion to cease all contact with her. She further stated that you have continued to e-mail her, call her, send post mail to her and to write entries on her blog. I am hereby ordering you to cease all contact with Riin Gill including, but not limited to:
Phone calls
Electronic Mail
Postal Mail
Electronic Bulleting [sic] Boards
Web Logs
Personal Contact at Home, Work or a Public Place
Appearing Within Sight of Riin Gill
Third Party Contacts

The act of making any of the previous contacts is in violation of Michigan Penal Code 750.411h- Stalking, a misdemeanor. Furthermore, and as a warning to avoid any future behavior that may escalate the situation, you should be informed that posting an unauthorized message through the use of any medium of communication with intent to terrorize, intimidate, harass or molest is a Felony in the State of Michigan (Michigan Penal Code 750.411s)

At this point in the investigation, after consulting with Riin Gill, the report was filed as an Information Report. However, if any new attempts to contact Riin Gill are made by you, be advised that criminal charges may result.
Likewise, Riin Gill was advised not to make any contacts with you or to visit any of your sites. If you have any questions or concerns, you can reach me at (***)***-****.

I thank you in advance for your prompt attention and cooperation in this matter.
Sincerely,

**** *****
University of Michigan
Department of Public Safety
Criminal Investigations Unit
**** ***** *****
*** *****, ** *****
Phone-***-***-****
Fax-***-***-****

So I called the Detective to explain my side of the story. I talked to him for a few minutes, but he wasn't able to talk long as the calls were forwarded to his cell phone; he had a family emergency. So, we didn't have much time to talk, but I was able to gather that Riin's complaint was prompted by my recent repeated attempts to post comments on her blog. The Detective seemed like a nice, reasonable guy. He offered to talk to me at greater length the next day.

When I spoke to him the following day, this is, in a nutshell, what I told him:

After doing some research, I found the full text of Michigan Penal Code 750.411s. A Felony charge under that section can only be brought if all conditions in 750.411s (1a-d) are met.

(1a) definitely applies, and the very fact Riin made her complaint implies that (1d) applies, but (1b) and (1c) do not apply. My messages were not intended to cause harassing conduct (1b), and no conduct arising from my messages would cause a reasonable person to feel threatened (1c) (I do not feel Riin is being reasonable so, if she does feel threatened, it is without cause, and (1c) is apparently there to protect people in my situation from being wrongfully charged).

Furthermore, as regards section 750.411h, "stalking" and "unconsented contact" are defined separately under subsections (d) and (e).

"Stalking" is defined under 750.411h (d) as "a willful course of conduct involving repeated or continuing harassment of another individual that would cause a reasonable person to feel terrorized, frightened, intimidated, threatened, harassed, or molested and that actually causes the victim to feel terrorized, frightened, intimidated, threatened, harassed, or molested."

"Unconsented contact" is defined under 750.411h (e) as: "any contact with another individual that is initiated or continued without that individual's consent or in disregard of that individual's expressed desire that the contact be avoided or discontinued."

As I've said, the messages I sent would not make any reasonable person "feel terrorized, frightened, intimidated, threatened, harassed, or molested." Therefore, though I freely acknowledge engaging in unconsented contact as outlined in 750.411h (e), that contact was not "stalking" as defined under 750.411h (d). I therefore submit that Ms. Gill's accusation of "stalking" is a blatantly false charge.

Furthermore , from March 7 (the day after the breakup) through June 2, 2007, I respected her wishes. I even stopped sending her postal mail, at her request in a letter I received May 20. I had no contact with her whatsoever following that date and had no intention to contact her. Her request not to contact her in her letter was unambiguous, so I intended to honor it, and did up to June 2; that's when she decided to make libelous comments about me on her blog.

At that point, realizing I had to take action to stop the libel and preferring to do so between her and I rather than bringing in the police or a lawyer, I contacted her and gave her clear caveat that I would not tolerate the libel and that, if it was not removed, my promise not to contact her would be null and void. This has been the justification for my actions from then until now: so long as that libel stayed on her blog, I would not respect her wishes on principle.

However, this past October 6, Lisa informed me that Riin had taken her entire blog down and started over. Now, I'm somewhat dismayed that she discarded all that history she'd built up, but I do understand why she did it. She needs to start over from scratch. I respect that. Further, with the dissolution of her original blog, the libelous comments of June 2 disappeared along with it.

Therefore since Riin has showing a willingness, however tacit, to respect my wishes, I hereby formally state my intentions to respect hers. As of this date, Monday, October 8, 2007, I will willingly cease all contact in all forms with Riin, as per her request with the understanding that this embargo is not two ways. Should Riin ever wish to contact me, she is welcome to, but she will not hear from me again unless she contacts me.

Now, I'm hoping that will be the end of it... but there's a wrinkle.

This past Friday, October 5 around 2:00 PM ADT, a unknown male, overweight, gray haired balding, wearing a blue tench coat and carrying a manila folder, came to my door. Lisa was the only one here; I was at work. The man asked where I was and requested my cell phone number. Unfortunately Lisa, not thinking, gave him this information without even asking the man who he was; shortly thereafter, I received a hang-up call on my cell phone voice mail.

Now, the Detective from the University of Michigan Department of Public Safety did tell me, during our conversation, that a Cape Breton Regional Police Detective might pay me a visit just to make sure I got his letter, so I assumed that that's who the man was, so I didn't give it any further thought. I did, however, ask Lisa not go give out any further information about me the next time without getting the identity of the man first.

Well, today (Monday, October 8), around the same time as on Friday, the same man showed up again. As I has asked, Lisa asked him who he was, twice. He refused to identify himself; he would only say that he needed to talk to me. Even more troubling, he knew Lisa's name. Lisa immediately called my cell phone and left a voice mail explaining what happened.

I immediately called the Cape Breton Regional Police from work to ask them if it was one of their people. Though they were not absolutely certain, they did say one thing that concerned me: because of the Thanksgiving holiday, none of their "plain clothes" operatives were on patrol at the time, only uniformed officers. So I have to assume, whoever this guy was, he was not with the Cape Breton Regional Police.

I met with a couple of Cape Breton Regional Police officers following the end of my shift at 4:30 (fortunately, there is a "satellite" police station right in front of our building). I explained my entire situation, just as I've explained it here. Now, given my situation with Riin, it's quite possible that this guy has some legitimate business with me. However, I do not appreciate how he's frightening both myself and particularly Lisa by refusing to identify himself.

The police officers advised me not to contact Riin any further (which was already my intention anyway). In turn, they instructed me to have Lisa call the police immediately should this guy show up again.

It occurs to me that this guy could be trying to serve me some papers from Riin. I sincerely hope not. The Detective in Michigan was very clear: Riin is willing not to press this further if I agree not to contact her. I did agree to that in the conversation, pending Riin's willingness to remove the libel against me on her blog. Since she has done that, and as I have agreed to stand down, I would view any further action from Riin at this point as nothing more than malicious.

If it does turn out that this guy is trying to serve me anything from Riin, given that the charge of "stalking" is clearly unfounded under the Michigan Penal Code, I will file a formal charge against Riin under Section 750.370 of the MPC: "Falsely and maliciously accusing another." It's one thing for her to come after me, but this guy is scaring Lisa. That I will not tolerate. If this is Riin's doing, this is the last thing she should have done if she wanted this truly over.

However, until I find out what this guy wants, I'm going to give Riin the benefit of the doubt and assume that either this guy wants to talk to me about an unrelated matter (I am in the process of filing a formal complaint against a police officer regarding an unrelated traffic incident, so it could be about that) or that it's a complaint filed by someone else I've contacted in connection with the Riin mess (unlikely as whoever it is apparently knows my address).

I'll leave a letter for "John Doe" on my door tomorrow warning him that, if he does not identify himself when he knocks, the police will immediately be called. I'll also leave Lisa instructions to do so should he come back.

I hope it's not Riin's doing. Now that the libel is off her blog, I'd much rather just let this drop once and for all. I'm pretty battle-weary, and I think I've proven my point. At least Riin will never be able to say "he didn't even care enough to fight for me."

One thing I must say. Riin's "new" blog is apparently called "A Happy Fuzzy Blog." I like that. It's very "her." However, one of the three statements that appears below that title strikes me as singularly ironic: "Practice compassion towards all living things." An interesting statement coming from her, particularly given how much "compassion" she's shown me these past seven months...

Riin has always reacted very badly to being called a hypocrite. It occurs to me that most people tend to react most strongly to criticisms about themselves they know to be true but which they don't like about themselves. The compassion statement is hypocritical because Riin knows compassion but practices it only when it is easy to do so. If being compassionate means even the slightest discomfort to her personally, she'd rather disregard the feelings of others.

Either way, as strange as it may sound, I still love Riin as much now as I did when this all started, hypocrisy and all (she shouldn't be ashamed of hypocrisy... I've found that everyone is hypocritical about something somewhere in their lives, myself included... all we can do is try not to let it rule us).

However... I guess sometimes love just isn't enough. At least I have some good memories to fall back on... and at least Riin stayed in my life long enough to have a lasting, positive impression on it.

For that, I thank her.

In that book which is my memory,
On the first page of the chapter that is the day when I first met you,
Appear the words: "Here begins a new life.'"

Dante, "La Vita Nuova"

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October 9, 2007 12:36:54 AM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

I . . . enjoy[ed] the irony of you deigning to rule that there was no way a reasonable person would have been intimidated, harassed, molested, etc by your behavior, and then promptly stating how threatening you/Lisa found a guy knocking at your door who won't identify himself.

I'm 2500 km away from her. Riin would have to be seriously paranoid to feel threatened by me at such a distance (honestly, I don't think she actually feels threatened... she's just trying to "make a point..." she does that...). Plus, at least I had enough respect not to be sneaky about my intentions. I didn't send anonymous messages. I identified myself up-front.

Just like the guy at your door, you did nothing explicitly threatening.

Refusing to identify himself, particularly when directly asked, is explicitly threatening.

I did identify myself. IMHO, respect demands that you identify yourself if you're going to address a person.

[T]he very act of behaving in certain ways becomes, by virtue of the determinedness or the inexplicableness of the actions, threatening or spooky to the other person.

My actions are not inexplicable. I've stated my intentions from day one.

[W]ho needs TV when there's Ardelli's drama to follow?

I'm glad you're finding my life so amusing.