Pharisee Back in the Saddle

On December 7, 2008, Riin Gill's rabbit Rudy died. I wanted to express my condolences but wasn't sure if I should. I asked my friends; they all agreed I should. This was unusual on two levels. One, most times my friends would recommend I avoid contact with her; this time they actually thought it was a good idea. Two, every one of my friends agreed; usually, I would get differing opinions. So I wrote a simple note of condolence; we all thought she'd appreciate it.

Four days later, she castigated me publicly on her blog for my act of kindness. In doing so she snapped me back to my senses because in that moment I realized that, despite appearances to the contrary she so carefully cultivated in the public eye, she has no concept of compassion. The woman I'd fallen in love with was at best an illusion, at worst a lie. I haven't written a posting about Riin since that day and I thought I never would again; there was nothing left to say.

Until now.

The fact is, I still have my own regrets. Riin may have been manipulative, selfish and sometimes cruel but I was not blameless; I made my share of mistakes, too. Most of them I've long since made peace with but one regret I've carried with me all these years was the fact that my influence drove her off the saddle of her bike.

I try to encourage people to cycle, not discourage them. My opinion of her personally notwithstanding, it always bothered me that I was part of the reason she gave cycling up. It bothered me so much that initially I desperately tried to get people she knew to talk her out of giving it up. I realize now I had no business doing that but at the time I was in a desperate state of mind and felt like I had to do something; that was all I could think to do.

However, I eventually realized there was nothing I could do to get her back in the saddle if she didn't want to go. This is the only thing about Riin I still feel pangs of regret about to this day. I always thought this would be a cross I'd have to bear for the rest of my life. It's been almost three years since she last rode; I figured, if she hadn't gotten back to it by now, she never will.

I don't check her blog very often anymore. Once in a very long while I'll think of it and poke my head in just out of curiosity. Well I did that a few days ago and discovered a posting she made almost a month ago. "Punk Pin Cushion on Wheels." Hm. She still has her predilection for whimsical titles, it seems. I was skimming it when the second paragraph, a simple four word sentence, caught my eye: "I rode my bike."

Most of the time I honestly don't care anymore what Riin Gill does (which is why I check her blog so rarely) but this, I must admit, I am genuinely happy to hear. I suppose I'll still feel some regret for the three years she spent off the saddle but at least, in the end, she got back on, and every time anyone puts their butt on a bicycle seat (especially one who actually knows what they're doing in traffic, as Riin always did), well, that's always good news.

As I expected, she took several swipes at me in the entry. To her credit, however, she did not call me a "stalker" for a change; she called me "controlling." Well you know what? That charge I'll plead guilty to. I've always been like that; it's something I learned growing up. Every single member of my family, in one way or another, was controlling and manipulative. Not that they're bad people; it's just that, like me, they grew up with that behavior and thought it was normal.

However, in the interim, I've learned to recognize this flaw in my character and, like my homophobia of my younger days, I've fought hard to change it. In fact, it was my breakups with Riin, and later Lisa, that finally shook me to my senses and made me realize this was a flaw in my character that I had to deal with.

This is something I still struggle with. I still feel the urge to be controlling, particularly when I think someone I love is going to get hurt. However, most of the time now I work out my urge to control in fantasy or in writing rather than actually trying to control the person. Like my homophobia, which is now totally a thing of the past, I hope I'll eventually not even have these controlling urges but, for now, I just have to watch myself and make sure I don't act on them.

Now the question that I can't help but ask myself is this: is the fact that Riin is going back to cycling a sign that maybe she's starting to learn from her mistakes as I have?

I can't know for sure but somehow I doubt it. Her biggest problem, by far, is her lack of compassion; it's been my experience that if you haven't learned compassion by the time you're 30 or so you never do. Also, as her friend M pointed out, Riin can't admit to making mistakes in the first place; it's hard to learn from mistakes if you don't acknowledge them.

This is unfortunate. Riin does have it in her to be a better person. Though she does not feel compassion she understands the concept at an intellectual level which suggests that perhaps she could learn it if she wanted to. The problem is in order to be truly compassionate she'd also have to learn self-sacrifice, the concept of accepting some personal discomfort for the benefit of someone you love; this is something that is beyond her comprehension.

There have been many times in my life when I have accepted significant personal suffering, occasionally even risks to friendships, even my physical safety, to protect the people I love; that is the essence of compassion.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition defines "compassion" as, "Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it." Riin does have a "deep awareness" of the suffering of others but she lacks conviction in her "wish to relieve it." She'll help you if it doesn't cause her any difficulty but the moment it causes her even the slightest pain she instantly turns her back on you.

I was in deep trouble in my relationship with Lisa and didn't realize it. Now, it wasn't Riin's responsibility to get me out of that (she couldn't help me if I wasn't prepared to help myself which, at that time, I wasn't), but it was her responsibility, as my lover and my friend, to tell me the truth about the trouble she could see me in. Surely she must've seen it; she even witnessed Lisa assaulting me with her own two eyes on more than one occasion.

She didn't want to tell me the truth because I had always said Lisa and I were a "package deal," that she'd have to accept both of us or neither of us. Now of course that meant that telling me the truth about what Lisa was doing would've risked our relationship, yes, but if she really cared about me she would've taken that risk; when you really love someone, it's their happiness, not your own, that's the priority but, to Riin, everything is about what makes her happy, not others.

In the end we lost the relationship, anyway, because Riin and I would never have worked if Lisa had stayed in the picture. If Riin had had the courage to say that to me it probably would have caused us pain in the short term but, in the long run, I think we would have come out stronger and survived but, to do that, Riin would have had to experience true compassion; she would have had to truly understand how I felt and loved me enough to take that risk.

Actually, now that I think about it, the best thing Riin could've done was to say, "I'm leaving you unless you leave Lisa." She had a right to do that. I was choosing to stay in an abusive situation; that didn't mean she had to. Chances are saying that would've ended our relationship in the short term but, in the long run, when I finally hit bottom and lost Lisa (which was inevitable anyway) Riin could have been there to help me pick up the pieces.

Does that mean she should've sacrificed her happiness entirely? No, of course not; like I said, getting away from Lisa and I was, in the short term, the right choice on her part. It was the fact that, in the end, she abandoned me completely that demonstrates her total lack of understanding of what "compassion" means. If you're unwilling to accept any suffering, or take any risk, to help someone then you don't truly understand what compassion truly is.

Or at least that's the way it seems to me, looking back on it. Could I be wrong? Could Riin be genuinely compassionate somewhere deep in her heart but, because of some emotional baggage I don't know about, is simply averse to taking the risk she might get hurt helping someone?

Maybe.

I always try to keep an open mind. I have learned from my mistakes. I'm not totally dismissing the possibility that Riin may have, too; it's just hard for me to believe. I have to admit, if Riin actually dropped me a line tomorrow and said, "I'd like to find out where we both went wrong," I'd be willing to have a dialogue with her. At the very least it'd give me the opportunity to apologize, perhaps even atone, for some of the mistakes I made.

Of course, in order to do that, Riin would have to have enough compassion to recognize that I might, in fact, have learned from my mistakes in the past three years... so I don't foresee Riin seeking me out any time soon...

Yeah... that's probably for the best...

Well. It seems she can still stir a little emotion in me when she talks about me, even after all this time; I went way off on an unintended tangent here. I guess I really do love her. Well, the illusion of what I thought she was, anyway.

Either way, my thoughts and feelings about her notwithstanding, I am genuinely happy to see the only cyclist I ever knocked out of the saddle back in the saddle again.

I genuinely wish her luck.

Lonnie's Vlog!

A friend of mine, Lonnie L. Jones, apparently inspired by other vloggers (including myself I'd imagine ;)), has started a video blog of his own! Here's his first posting:



It started with Jon Paula who inspired me to start a video blog and now it's inspiring my friends to start them; have I started a trend here...? ;)

Marie

RIP Robert Graves

This is Heavy, Doc

Vlog

Inspired by Ideo Productions president Jonathan Paula and his new personal video blog The World According to Jon (check it out; he's an interesting guy! :)), I decided it was high time for me to bring my tired old blog into the 21st Century and start a video blog, or vlog as its known. :)

I'm not going to abandon traditional blogging; the bigger, more complex ideas and events I want to talk about I'll still do in writing. However, vlogging is so much easier than writing and fun to boot that I'll probably be doing a lot more entries here in the form of embedded YouTube videos. I figure I'll reach a wider audience here insofar as some of my friends say that they don't have time to read my blog; videos are much faster and easier for those with limited time, too.

Here's my first "official" entry in my new vlog; it's called "Sleep Talking:"



And here are the entries I did before "officially" launching my video blog:

"25 Facts"



"Antique Appliances"



"iPad"



See you out on YouTube! :)

Zoom Zoom

OK. This rain sucks. I'm sick of rain.

That's it. I give. Enough with the bike; time to get a car.

Yes, it might surprise people to know I'm not a total car neophyte. I grew up with an uncle who absolutely loves his cars so, listening to him and observing him over the years, I think I've learned enough about them to pick out a good one. :)

I need something reliable and fuel efficient. Ideally I'd like to have an electric car but something tells me trying to get something like that around here might be a wee bit problematic, at least if I don't want to have to wait. I think I might get a Honda. My uncle would probably say Toyota but a friend of mine has a Honda and I gotta say I love the idea of that digital speedometer in the dash, directly under your view of the road; easy to keep an eye on in my peripheral vision. :)

I wonder how early the Honda dealership on the way to work opens? Maybe I could swing by there on my way in to work; that way I won't have to walk all the way. Wish I could ride but I was involved in a near collision with a duck crossing the road Wentworth Park on my way home tonight. I managed to miss the duck but drove the bike into the curb, then pretty much flew face and eyes right down into the frickin' pond. Front wheel's pretty bent up.

Don't worry, I didn't get hurt too badly; just some road rash on my shins and some very wet, gooey clothing (what the hell's in that water, anyway?! :P).

Hm. Y'know, if I'm gonna get a car, I might as well go whole hog and get off this vegetarian kick. Now that I have a car, I'll be able to go to Mickey D's drive through and make a pig of myself if I want to; as Crocodile Dundee points out, no one'll ever see me making a pig of myself if I'm safely in my car. :)

I wonder what color I should get? I used to like the idea of red but I don't know; it's OK for a bike but on a car, meh. Not my taste. Black? Too hard to keep clean. I'm thinking purple. That or hot pink. Something that'll grab attention so cyclists'll see me coming; given the way most cyclists drive their bikes around here that'd probably be my only hope of not having some idiot barreling off the sidewalk and right over my brand new hood...

Of course, the parking lot at my building here is pretty full; not sure where I'm gonna keep this thing. Hm. Maybe I should move. With a car, I could conceivably move to Antigonish and still be able to make the commute back and forth to work. In fact, I think that's what I'll do. That way, I'm close enough to my friend Rob to go visit him more often while still close enough to Sydney to stay in touch with my friends here! Sweet!

Yup. That settles it. Once I get my new car, I think a hot pink Honda with blue trim, I'm going to start apartment hunting in Antigonish. Find a nice basement apartment, preferably without any windows; that should make it easier to sleep through the day on the weekends if I feel like it.

Oh, wait a minute... I had an even better idea! Get a Winnebago! Perfect! Then, wherever I go, I could take my whole home with me! No more rent to pay! Woo hoo! A big, hot pink Winnebago with blue trim and purple awnings! Or better yet maybe I could convert an old school bus into livable space! I've heard others have done it. Well, it'll be a b*tch to park but, then again, more room than a Winnebago...

Hm... if I'm going to go that far, I might as well go whole hog; I wonder if Acadian Lines has any old motor coaches they're not using anymore I can get for a good deal? Now that would be like having a small house with me wherever I go, and once you get the hot pink paint job on that no way anyone's gonna miss me coming! Hell, that might even be big enough for entertaining! Put in a bar! Better go check with Mike Holmes on the building codes that apply to motor coaches...

Oh yeah! And Acadian lines is open at 6:00 AM! Plenty of time to get down there and buy my dream vehicle and still have plenty of time to get to work!

Well that settles it. Bye bye bike, hello motor home converted motor coach, hot pink with blue trim, purple awnings and green tinted windows with a full bath, bar, dance floor, two bedrooms, BluRay DVD home theater. This is gonna be awesome!

All I need to do now is get the funds. So, if you're reading this, please help me out and give generously; just send your PayPal payments to aprilfools@ifellforit.org. I think $500,000.00 should be enough; I think I have enough time to raise that much before hell freezes over on April 1, 2012...

Enough is Enough

I just published the following status to my Facebook profile:

I promised myself I'd never drink again but last night after a hard day I thought, "Ah hell, three beers can't hurt." Yes, they can when they're Faxe 10%. So I'm stating here for the record that I'm following a good friend's example: I am QUITTING drinking as of NOW. I hope stating this publicly will force me to stick by my word lest I be made out a liar. The religious among you, please pray for strength for me.

I really feel ashamed of myself. I promised someone important to me that I'd quit drinking and I didn't. Not that they asked me to quit or anything; that was a promise I'd made voluntarily. But still, I did promise. Last night, they were trying to talk to me and I couldn't even focus on what they were saying. My God I had no idea only three beers could hit me that hard, even at 10%; I'd never had them with so little in my stomach before. :(

I've tried to quit twice before. The first time I succeeded for several months so I know I can do it but, honestly, come the weekend, I just don't want to. The only thing I like about my life right now are the wonderful people in it. Other than that, I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I do the same thing over and over again every day Monday to Friday, I hate this time of year weather wise and I've got a mountain of credit card debt. It's hard to even get out of bed in the morning.

Every Friday, the hardest day of the week, I always look forward to that beer, thinking it'll help me unwind. It does at first but then afterward, when it wears off, it leaves me more depressed than when I started. Worse, if anyone happens to call me while I'm still under the influence, I end up making a fool of myself. My friend last night was getting pretty frustrated with me. I can't remember what we said but I do remember having trouble following the conversation. :(

Enough is enough. This has got to stop.

Now before anyone suggests Alcoholics Anonymous, that was my second attempt to quit. Honestly, I resented the idea that I'd have to spend hours at AA meetings for the rest of my life just to fight this. Whenever I resent something sooner or later I rebel against it. So that won't work no matter how good the program is.

So let me try this:

I broke a promise to my best friend last night because, honestly, I thought I could get away with it. I hadn't mentioned it to anyone else; it was just a promise I made privately to them so I thought, No one will know. I figured they'd never ask so I wouldn't have to lie about it or anything but, when those beers hit me so hard, I couldn't hide it and my friend knew. It felt awful to let someone important to me down like that.

I figure, if I state this out in public for everyone to see, I won't be able to do that anymore; I won't be able to think, No one will know, because now everyone knows. If anyone even so much as spots me going into the liquor store, automatically right there I let everyone down without having taken a single drink. If I'm in a bar chances are I'm there for an event where friends will be and, again, people who know me will see if I buy a drink. I can't get away with it anymore.

No matter how much you love someone, sooner or later you let them down. I let someone down last night I never wanted to let down; I cannot let that happen again.

The religious among you, please pray for my strength in the traditions of your personal faith. The non-religious, just be there for me. Don't shame me; I feel guilty enough. Just, if you see me doing something I shouldn't be, just walk up to me and remind me of my promise. I know from experience, when I know I'm letting someone down, it gives me the strength to stop. So just letting me know you're watching me is all I need.

I never pray for myself but I'm going to post this one here; if you're Catholic, or if you simply like this prayer, feel free to say it for me:

Glorious St. Rita, Patroness of those in need, your intercession with our Lord is most powerful. Through the favors obtained by your prayers, you have been called advocate of hopeless and even impossible cases. St. Rita, humble and pure, patient and compassionate lover of Christ Crucified, we have confidence that everyone who has recourse to you will find comfort and relief.

Listen to our petitions and show your power with God on our behalf. Obtain our petitions for us if they are for the greater honor of God and for our good. We promise, if our petitions are granted, to make known your favor and to glorify God for His gift. Relying on your power with the Merciful Savior, we ask of you:

Protect and guide John Archibald Ardelli. Please grant him the strength to face life without the crutch of alcohol. Grant those he loves the wisdom to know he loves them, that his broken promises not to drink are due to his own weakness not because he does not love them.

By the singular merits of your childhood, obtain our request for us:

• By your perfect union with the Divine Will.
• By your acceptance of troubles in your married life.
• By the anguish felt at the murder of your husband.
• By the surrender of your children rather than have them offend God.
• By your miraculous entrance into the convent.
• By your daily penance and fasting.
• By your courage and joy in bearing the mark of the Crucified Savior.
• By the Divine Love which consumed your life.
• By your devotion in receiving the Blessed Sacrament.
• By the happiness you felt in leaving this life for union with Christ.
• By the example you have given to people of every state of life.

Pray for us, St. Rita, that we may be worthy of the promises of Christ.

Heavenly Father, in Your infinite love and mercy, You heed the prayer of Your beloved servant Rita. You graciously grant favors through her intercession which are considered impossible to human skill and effort. Relying on her compassionate love, we ask You to assist us in our trials and difficulties. Let unbelievers know that You are helper of the humble, the defender of the weak and the strength of those who trust in You.

We ask this through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Model Antique GE Fan

When I was a little boy, I used to love watching electric fans spin (most children, I find, love anything that turns, which is probably why mobiles are such an effective attention grabber for infants). Lately, while poking around on YouTube, I've begun to revisit my old fascination with electric fans only now my fascination is more with antique fans as I view most modern appliances as unreliable plastic garbage.

I talked about my recent fascination with antique appliances recently on YouTube (and took the opportunity to show off my antique blender in the process):



Tonight, I was exploring the YouTube account of an antique appliance enthusiast known as 1944johndeerel and I came across this gem:



I have got to have one of these things; that'd look so sweet on my desktop at work! The only problem is I have no idea how to find this thing; no matter what I put in a Google search all I get back are actual antiques that run on batteries not this cool little replica. Not that I'm not interested in getting a genuine antique fan; I am (I'll probably be getting an antique stand fan for my living room for this summer) but this tiny replica would be perfect for my office.

Does anyone out there have any idea where I might find this thing? If so, please let me know!

Is It a Good Idea to Flag This?

I've been cyberstalked a few times in my life.

The first time was back in 1998 when a Dark Crystal fan from my Crystal Corner group harassed me both on my old personal home page and the group. It got bad enough that Yahoo! Groups (then ONElist) deleted both of our accounts because of our complaints. He claimed I said many things I didn't; this is the reason I now archive every E-mail I send (I currently have sent mail archives going back to March of 2000).

Another time has been extensively chronicled on this blog. In brief, a troll posted harassing comments on my blog and threatening comments on Riin's. Eventually, when I captured the IP address, the police were able to trace the stalking back to a former co-worker who apparently took exception to my ideas on love and romance, particularly polyamory, and decided to "teach me a lesson." She backed off once she realized I was tracing her but not before I got her name. :)

Cyberstalking can be scary but mostly it's just frustrating. The Internet makes it all too easy to be anonymous. Yes, it's possible to trace a stalker's IP but, unless your stalker is stupid enough to send you an E-mail or something, it's hard to get an IP particularly if your stalker only harasses you by comments on your blog or YouTube account (though, if you're reasonably tech-savvy, you can still capture a stalker's IP with web traffic tracking services like Statcounter).

Jonathan Paula, producer of my favorite YouTube series Is It a Good Idea to Microwave This? and the show's stars Jory Caron and Riley McIlwain, are currently being cyberstalked. Someone on YouTube has taken a dislike to the microwave show and has been "flagging" the videos for "inappropriate content" for minors. There is nothing inappropriate on the show whatsoever; the flags are solely for the purpose of harassing the show's makers.

Is It a Good Idea to Microwave This? recently celebrated the completion of the show's 200th experiment:



In the annotations on the above episode, you'll see Mr. Paula announce that the show has been flagged so much lately that it's in danger of being flagged off YouTube entirely; that's how bad their situation has gotten.

Mr. Paula is a YouTube partner which means he actually makes revenue from the viewing of his videos; false flagging robs him and his coworkers of revenue. This revenue isn't just "mad money" for him and his friends; this is their full time job as he explains in the Is It a Good Idea to Microwave This? behind the scenes special here:



What this amounts to is this stalker is, for all intents and purposes, "docking their pay." Mr. Paula has been attempting to deal with the situation but apparently YouTube's response has been less than supportive and it seems to me the more he complains about the flagging the worse it gets.

This dovetails with my own experiences. Stalkers do what they do to try to provoke a response from their victims; the more you respond the more they do to provoke you. I think, as a short term solution, Mr. Paula should stop mentioning the flags. Doing so is a bit like trying to put out a fire with gasoline (and he and his friends know a little something about putting out fires on the show ;)); it only makes the situation worse.

So what should he do? Well, I've never had a "partner" account with YouTube but given how customizable the channel seems to be I imagine you can add HTML code to video descriptions. Mr. Paula might want to consider installing Statcounter into the description of each new video of the show from now on; that way he can capture the IP address of the person responsible for the flags.

Once he has the IP address, he can file a complaint with the police. A subpoena can be issued to the Internet Service Provider who can then, using the IP, date and time the stalker connected, identify the perpetrator. Once they know who it is, Mr. Paula can press charges under Chapter 265, Section 43 of the General Laws of Massachusetts for stalking.

I'm going to send a link to this blog entry to Mr. Paula so he can see this suggestion. Mr. Paula, if you're reading this, if there's anything I can do to help just let me know.

In the meantime, I urge all of you reading this blog to go check out Is It a Good Idea to Microwave This? It's thoroughly entertaining, particularly the later seasons, and it could use some supporters right now. Subscribe, rate and enjoy!



I think I'll add these guys to my regular prayers to St. Rita as well; my religious readers, whatever your faith, I urge you to do the same.

Dilemma

I have a dilemma.

The Cape Breton Stage Company is looking for submissions for their 2010 season. Since seeing their truly phenomenal Halloween show Tales from the Bottom of the Well last year I've wanted to submit a play for them to perform. I had intended to write one for this year's season but, two days after Halloween, a major event happened in my life that's kept me pretty busy; I haven't had time to write. Now the deadline for submissions, January 15, is less than a week away.

I thought I'd have to wait until next year. Then I realized I actually do have one work here, a short film screenplay, that would adapt very well to the stage with only minor changes; I could easily have an adaption written for the deadline. Perfect solution, except for one thing:

The screenplay isn't mine; it was written by Riin Gill.

You might wonder why, given my current feelings about Riin, I would want to work on something written by her of all people. Well, despite my current contempt for her and the difficult feelings the story itself stir in me, the truth is it is excellent work; it deserves to be performed. Yes, it is that good in my opinion.

The fact is, Riin never even copyrighted this work and precious few people have even read it; I could just as easily adapt it and take full credit for writing it and no one would be the wiser. But I can't do that. As a writer myself, I respect the work of others. I cannot take credit for someone else's work; if I'm going to work with someone else's work I need to have their permission just as I'd expect someone working with my work to seek mine.

Therein lies my problem: how do you get permission to work with the work of a writer who refuses to speak to you?

Honestly, I doubt Riin would even care; she even said herself, "You should still do the movie . . . I'll [even] donate two skeins of yarn if you give Happy Fuzzy Yarn a credit . . ." (the main character is a knitter). Mind you, I doubt she'd still be willing to donate any yarn to the project but, as to the play itself, I don't think she cares what I do with it. Still, I don't know that; I'd be a lot more comfortable if I had her explicit blessing to do this.

Anyone have any thoughts on what I should do? I need to figure this out before the January 15 deadline.

Cheating vs Polyamory

Anyone who knows me knows that my previous two romantic relationships were not consecutive; they were concurrent. This is a concept called "polyamory" where one is involved with more than one person at a time, each party with the full knowledge of the others. Not everyone understood that; more often than not, I'd get chastised for "cheating." In fact, I got that comment relatively recently from someone with whom the topic came up.

I'd like to explain my position on this here; that way, next time I get into this discussion, I'll just point people to this entry and say, "Here; fill your boots." ;)

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition defines "cheat" as, "To act dishonestly; practice fraud." Now it's obvious how this applies, for example, to the man sneaking around on his wife. By keeping his second relationship a secret from his wife (and, in most cases, keeping the wife from the other woman as well) he is being dishonest; he is a fraud passing himself off as a single man to the second woman and as a faithful man to his wife.

It is in this definition of "cheat" where the difference between a cheater and a person who practices polyamory becomes clear. Whereas the man above is misrepresenting himself to the women, I in my situation was not misrepresenting myself in any way. Both women I was involved with was aware of my relationship with the other and both gave full consent to my having relationships with both (actually, they even had a relationship with each other briefly ;)).

To me, the bedrock on which all good relationships lie, whether they be friend, family or romantic, is honesty. One thing I would never do to anyone is "cheat." I do believe one can be in love with, and involved with, more than one partner but only if all partners agree.

If, some day, I ever find myself in a new relationship with someone I truly love and my new partner wants me to remain faithful only to her I'll do that without question; I did it with Lisa for years, after all (we didn't start out polyamorous; Lisa introduced me to the concept much later). Given that, I must admit, when people ask me if I'm still polyamorous that's a hard question to answer; I still believe in the concept but one can't really be polyamorous when they're single... :P

I will say this. I try not to judge people but, honestly, I don't trust cheaters; I can't. The way I see it, if one can keep a secret that huge from someone, something they obviously have a right to know, I'll always question how honest that person is being with me, and not only in a romantic relationship; I would have trouble trusting a friend who cheats, too, because dishonesty is dishonesty regardless of its form.

One thing anyone in my life, family, friend or lover, can count on: I'll never keep anything from you that you have a right to know.

Anyway, as Forrest Gump might say, "That's all I have to say about that." :)

Glorify God for His Gift

James Delorey has been found! :) He's not in ideal condition; last I heard his pulse was weak and he was being airlifted to Halifax for medical treatment but he is alive! Honestly, after all the time he was out there unprotected, I wasn't expecting that; it's a miracle he is alive.

The Prayer of Petition to St. Rita says that if she answers a prayer you must "make known [her] favor and . . . glorify God for His gift." Well, St. Rita has answered this prayer so I'd like to say in public and for the record: thank you.

Now, we need your help one more time:

Glorious St. Rita, Patroness of those in need, your intercession with our Lord is most powerful. Through the favors obtained by your prayers, you have been called advocate of hopeless and even impossible cases. St. Rita, humble and pure, patient and compassionate lover of Christ Crucified, we have confidence that everyone who has recourse to you will find comfort and relief.

Listen to our petitions and show your power with God on our behalf. Obtain our petitions for us if they are for the greater honor of God and for our good. We promise, if our petitions are granted, to make known your favor and to glorify God for His gift. Relying on your power with the Merciful Savior, we ask of you:

Please help heal seven-year-old James Delorey of South Bar, Nova Scotia. Although he has been found, he is not well; he needs your love and support if he is going to recover. Please grant James the strength to survive until his wounds heal and guide the doctors who treat him to evaluate his injuries properly and provide the proper treatment.

By the singular merits of your childhood, obtain our request for us:

• By your perfect union with the Divine Will.
• By your acceptance of troubles in your married life.
• By the anguish felt at the murder of your husband.
• By the surrender of your children rather than have them offend God.
• By your miraculous entrance into the convent.
• By your daily penance and fasting.
• By your courage and joy in bearing the mark of the Crucified Savior.
• By the Devine Love which consumed your life.
• By your devotion in receiving the Blessed Sacrament.
• By the happiness you felt in leaving this life for union with Christ.
• By the example you have given to people of every state of life.

Pray for us, St. Rita, that we may be worthy of the promises of Christ.

Heavenly Father, in Your infinite love and mercy, You heed the prayer of Your beloved servant Rita. You graciously grant favors through her intercession which are considered impossible to human skill and effort. Relying on her compassionate love, we ask You to assist us in our trials and difficulties. Let unbelievers know that You are helper of the humble, the defender of the weak and the strength of those who trust in You.

We ask this through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Prayer for a Lost Boy

Glorious St. Rita, Patroness of those in need, your intercession with our Lord is most powerful. Through the favors obtained by your prayers, you have been called advocate of hopeless and even impossible cases. St. Rita, humble and pure, patient and compassionate lover of Christ Crucified, we have confidence that everyone who has recourse to you will find comfort and relief.

Listen to our petitions and show your power with God on our behalf. Obtain our petitions for us if they are for the greater honor of God and for our good. We promise, if our petitions are granted, to make known your favor and to glorify God for His gift. Relying on your power with the Merciful Savior, we ask of you:

Protect and guide seven-year-old James Delorey of South Bar, Nova Scotia; he has wandered away from home without protection from the elements. Help him find the rescuers who are searching for him and, until then, help him find a way to protect and shelter himself. Please help return him to his family safe and unharmed.

By the singular merits of your childhood, obtain our request for us:

• By your perfect union with the Divine Will.
• By your acceptance of troubles in your married life.
• By the anguish felt at the murder of your husband.
• By the surrender of your children rather than have them offend God.
• By your miraculous entrance into the convent.
• By your daily penance and fasting.
• By your courage and joy in bearing the mark of the Crucified Savior.
• By the Devine Love which consumed your life.
• By your devotion in receiving the Blessed Sacrament.
• By the happiness you felt in leaving this life for union with Christ.
• By the example you have given to people of every state of life.

Pray for us, St. Rita, that we may be worthy of the promises of Christ.

Heavenly Father, in Your infinite love and mercy, You heed the prayer of Your beloved servant Rita. You graciously grant favors through her intercession which are considered impossible to human skill and effort. Relying on her compassionate love, we ask You to assist us in our trials and difficulties. Let unbelievers know that You are helper of the humble, the defender of the weak and the strength of those who trust in You.

We ask this through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Bohemian Rhapsody, Muppet Style!

OK, it's official: The Muppets are rockin' YouTube! This one's easily an even match for Beaker's "Ode to Joy" I posted a couple weeks ago:



Gotta love that ending. Poor Kermit. He's the only "normal" guy in the ocean of weirdness that makes up the Muppet cast. I'm surprised he didn't go totally postal by now after decades of dealing with it; I would have. :P

Oh yes. While I'm here, there's a new version of Beaker's "Ode to Joy" available in YouTube HD (as is Bohemian Rhapsody above); here it is for those of you with computers powerful enough to run HD video streams:



What's so cool about both of these videos is I not only laugh my head off but also the music just has me rocking back and forth with a huge smile on my face. These things are just pure, digitally encoded fun!

It's nice to see The Muppets taking advantage of the YouTube craze to boost their popularity. These videos are going viral; even Jonathan Paula (producer of Is It a Good Idea to Microwave This, my favorite YouTube video series) has the Bohemian Rhapsody one among his favorites on his channel.

Ode to Joy

I just had to share this; it just puts a huge smile on my face every time I watch it. :)

Love of the Heart Divine

For our veterans, and the loved ones they left behind when they went off to war.

Love of the Heart ...

Hosted by eSnips

Music and Lyrics by Chris de Burgh
Performed by John A. Ardelli (vocals) and Brian Morton (instrumental track)

Human Arrogance

"There are other forms of intelligence on Earth . . . Only Human arrogance would assume the message must be meant for man." - Spock, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

I must admit, I don't really know that much about climate change. Oh, I'm familiar with the scientific principle and theory behind it; I've seen An Inconvenient Truth. I would hardly call myself an "expert" on the subject, though; I really don't have much to say about it. So when I heard that was going to be the topic of "Blog Action Day" this year, my first thought was, What the heck am I going to say about that?

Of course, I've had plenty of time to think about it since the topic was announced. When I looked back at my previous blog postings including last year's Blog Action Day post "Cause and Effect: The Dynamics of Poverty," I realized that my strength was talking about psychology and the way people think. So that's the way I'd like to approach the subject: from the Human perspective.

I've heard many differing opinions and theories on climate change. Some believe it's inevitable; others believe it's preventable. Some believe Humans are the cause of it; others believe it's just a natural temperature cycle of the planet. However, whether you believe Humans are the cause of it, whether you believe it can be prevented or even if it should, there is one overriding thought I have when I think of the subject:

If the cause is us, it is Human arrogance that has done the damage.

Christianity has more influence on Western culture than probably any other religion. One of the central tenets of Christianity, particularly in the Old Testament, is that Earth was created exclusively for the use of Man because Man was ostensibly the smartest of God's creations; in fact, this is stated in The Bible's very first chapter:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." And God said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food." And it was so. - Genesis 1: 27-30

Of course, this passage is one of those "chicken and the egg" situations. Did we come to the belief that we were superior to all creatures on the Earth because The Bible told us to, or was it written into The Bible because we already believed this? In either case, though, it's pretty clear that this passage has influenced the way Humankind has treated this world of ours over the past 6000 years or so, particularly in the Western world and among Christians worldwide.

When I read that passage from Genesis, I can't help but ask myself: what made Humans think they were so much better than everyone and everything else? Just because we can perceive a little bit of the way the Universe works? What makes us think that there aren't other creatures out there with just as sophisticated an understanding of our world? What makes us think there aren't other creatures who understand this world better than we do?

"Well, you've never seen any other creatures create vessels to take them into space or technologies to communicate around the world or techniques to feed millions of people or cure deadly diseases," etc. When you think about it, though, that doesn't really mean anything. Our biggest advantage as a species isn't our intelligence; it's our bodies: opposable thumbs, bipedal locomotion; these things give us huge advantages in tool use which other animals don't have.

Dolphins may be as intelligent or more so than we are; maybe the only reason they haven't developed technologies like ours is because they lack the ability to manipulate tools with the dexterity we can. Maybe elephants would've learned to travel to other stars by now if they had hands to build the machines; their trunks are of relatively limited utility. Maybe crows might've overthrown us by now if they didn't have to manipulate everything with an awkward beak.

Our belief in our intellectual superiority rests only on the most flimsy of foundations: our accomplishments. If you really look at them, most of our accomplishments are due not so much to intelligence but our numerical superiority (6.79 billion of us, at last count) and our bodies' remarkable flexibility in tool use. If our minds were trapped in bodies without those abilities, and if there were less of us, we would likely be no more "advanced" than dolphins.

"But chimpanzee bodies are just as dexterous as ours," one might argue. "How come they aren't at least our equals?" OK, maybe chimps aren't as intelligent as we are; since they have virtually the same physical capabilities, that's hard to dispute. But how can we possibly know how intelligent any other species is if that species can't demonstrate its intelligence through advanced tool use only because of the limitations of its body?

For millennia, Humans have behaved like the lords and masters of this planet, as if everything was ours for the taking regardless what other creatures it may hurt. We dump toxins in the water until we create disgusting legacies like the Sydney Tar Ponds. We're careless with toxic technologies until accidents like Chernobyl contaminate hundreds of square kilometers of land. We use devices to move around that spew thousands of toxins into the air yearly.

Because we've developed this mindset that the Earth is ours to use, we also get the subconscious feeling that the Earth is eternal; no matter what we do to it, the Earth will always provide. It doesn't occur to us, however, that the very physical laws of our Universe make infinity impossible. Even a resource as vast as the Earth has limitations; we can only take so much before we have to start giving back lest we use up the resource.

One of my good friends believes that Humankind simply isn't powerful enough to have had enough impact on the planet to cause climate change. "The planet's been warming and cooling for billions of years," he argues. "No way Humans are so much different from other animals that anything we do could possibly have a global impact on the environment; we're just one species among millions."

Did we cause global warming, or is it just a natural cycle? If you ask me, it doesn't really matter. The simple fact is, putting things into the environment that kills plant and animal life (and plenty of things Humans put into the environment does this on enormous scales) can't possibly be a good idea; to me, that's common sense. Yet, because we as a species believe this planet is here "just for us," we don't care what dies so long as we accomplish what we want.

But other creatures hurt, just like we do. If you accidentally step on a cat's tail, it yells; it feels pain. If you put a lobster in a pot of boiling water, it screams; it feels pain. We've all felt pain. It's something a vast majority of us avoid because, as physical sensations go, it's probably the least pleasant of all. Knowing what it's like, why would we want to inflict that on any creature?

"But they're only animals; they're not smart like us." So? Not every Human is smart, either; believe me, I've encountered my share of stupidity in my life, as we all have. Still, even if I met a Human being who was mentally handicapped with no more intelligence than a chimpanzee, I'd still feel compassion for them if they were in pain or dying. It's not about how smart the person is; it's about having some understanding of how they feel.

So why is it so hard for most of us to extend that metaphor to all creatures? Just because a dog doesn't look like us doesn't mean it doesn't have the same feelings we do. Just because insects look so ugly to our eyes (as I'm sure we do to theirs) doesn't mean they don't feel pain when they're injured. Indeed, how do we know they don't experience grief at the death of a loved one like we do? How do we know they don't experience love?

We don't.

If we did cause climate change, maybe that's poetic justice. Maybe global warming is nature's way of making us feel the suffering we've caused to the "lesser" creatures we share this planet with.

"I don't know about you, but my compassion for someone is not limited to my estimate of their intelligence." - Dr. Jillian Taylor, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

Dating

In my earlier post "Sex Education: Time for a Reform," I mentioned that I intended to go to my local library to find Victor Malarek's book The Johns - Sex for Sale and the Men who Buy It. Well, it took me a while to get it (the book was on reserve for two other readers ahead of me) but, last week, it finally became available. I picked it up last Friday; I finished it today.

Most of it talked about things I agreed with already and might've even written myself. However, there were a few things in there that took me by surprise and altered my perceptions considerably; I'll be tackling some of those ideas in future postings. For now, however, I'd like to start with something I read in an early chapter that got me thinking about something a lot of people, particularly in meatspace, have asked me.

I'm single right now. People often ask me if I intend to pursue another relationship. The answer is not a simple "yes" or "no." I don't believe in "pursuing" relationships the way most people think of it; I don't believe in "dating." I've said that to many people, male and female alike, but when pressed to explain I was never able to put into words what I meant. However, strangely enough, something I read in The Johns helped me, finally, to come up with a clear explanation.

In Chapter Four, "Single By Choice," Malarek talks about men who go to prostitutes because they've given up on the dating scene in frustration because they haven't been able to "get any" through conventional dating. I found that attitude a bit disquieting. These men apparently have the attitude that, if they show a woman a good time, that obligates her to performing "favors" for the man at the end of the night.

Charles, an office manager from Dallas, Texas (quoted from page 52 of Malarek's book) is typical of this attitude (emphasis mine):

I spend and I spend and I spend, and I don't even get a kiss goodnight. I take them to fancy restaurants to wine and dine them, and all they do is whine and whine. They complain and bitch incessantly about stuff that makes me want to yell, "Shut the fuck up! Your boring life sucks. Get over it." But I listen, hoping that maybe after she's finished her rant, we can have sex when I take her home.

I've overheard countless guys make those kinds of comments: "I spent all that money on her and she wouldn't even have sex with me!" Whenever I hear things like that, it makes my skin crawl and, from what I've heard of the experiences of my dating female friends, that seems to be the prevalent attitude of men who "date;" they feel treating a woman to a night out gives them the right to expect sexual favors at the end of the night.

To me, this kind of attitude is just a whitewashed form of prostitution. When you get right down to it, what these men are saying is that if you can't get sex out of a woman then spending time with her is a waste of time; in effect, they're saying, "Sex is all women are good for."

If that is what "dating" is all about then I want no part of it. The very idea of specifically trying to woo someone I'm only just getting to know to climb into bed with me is repugnant to me. As I said in "Sport Nookie," I don't want someone I barely know touching me in the most intimate way two people can touch. When I've tried to explain that, particularly to men, I'm often met with puzzled stares. Occasionally, I'm accused of being homosexual. They just don't get it.

To me, going out with someone has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm not attracted to the woman I'm asking out; what I mean is that the night out itself has nothing to do with that. In that sense, going out with a new female friend and a new male friend are virtually the same experience for me. I buy a beer and a meal for both for the same reason: if I ask someone out, I want to have a good time and get to know them.

The sad thing is, though, that even women tend to assume I have a hidden sexual agenda if I try to treat them to a night out. That's the main reason why I usually don't ask women out. It's not because I can't or I don't want to; I just don't want a woman to assume I'm asking her out only in the hope of getting into her pants. Unfortunately, because that's what most men in the dating scene seem to be looking for, that's now what most women seem to expect on a date.

In my posting "Revelation," I spoke of the irrevocable connection between friendship and love. In brief, my theoretical "formula" of romantic love is, "Attraction+Friendship+Trust=Romantic Love." In other words, I believe love, and therefore healthy sexual relationships, grow out of friendships, not out of attraction. It's when you feel attraction, friendship and implicit trust, all for the same person, that love ignites.

So I do not "date." Instead, I work on making friends, male and female alike. Before the friendships get close, gender doesn't matter; I simply enjoy the company and get to know them. Only once friendships get close do I make a distinction between the male and female friend. Essentially, I look at any close female friendship to someone I'm attracted to as a potential romantic possibility in the future.

Now that doesn't mean I "pursue" my close female friends trying to start a sexual relationship, either; that, too, would be a form of "dating." What I mean is that I'm aware that any woman I'm attracted to who is also a close friend could be a potential romantic relationship if, at some point in the future, she ever becomes attracted to me.

The point of "dating" is to try to entice someone sexually. That is the part I don't believe in. My way of thinking is that I don't have the right to push myself on someone who is not attracted to me; either she is or she isn't. That is what I mean by close female friends being potential romantic relationships. If a close female friend ever becomes attracted to me, then is the time to pursue a romantic relationship because only then is it truly "real."

This applies even if I fall in love with someone. The way I see it, if you truly love someone, you respect them and their boundaries. No matter how much I might want to express my love to a woman intimately, if she's not attracted to me, I'm not going to make any effort to try to push her into a relationship she doesn't want. Instead, I just show her my love in other ways, through friendship and support in hard times, with a fierce loyalty.

Many men just don't get that. In fact, most of my male friends who know I have feelings for someone will give me all kinds of unsolicited advice on how to seduce them. They just can't seem to grasp the idea of being "just friends" with a woman they "love." I think that, too, is a symptom of the stereotypical male point of view that sex is the "ultimate goal" of forming a relationship with a woman; they can't imagine wanting to stay around if they don't get it.

Seduction, to me, is a form of manipulation; you manipulate the woman into feeling something for you she might not otherwise have been inclined to feel. This makes it artificial. You sweep her off her proverbial feet and she's caught up in the whirlwind of romance, sex and endorphins and, for a time, thinks you're the best thing that ever happened to her but, when the seduction wears off, the illusion collapses and she wonders what possessed her to be with you.

I've seen many women go through this cycle. A man arrives, often when they're at their most vulnerable, and they fall for his charms. More often than not, however, these guys turn out to be bad news because most guys who deliberately seek out to seduce a woman, particularly in the first date or two, are always bad news. I even saw one man who seduced an otherwise decent woman so thoroughly that she got into bed with him before he even learned her last name.

That's the danger of actually trying to initiate a sexual relationship. Even seducing a woman you love is just as dangerous. How? Well, to her, the "love" created from seduction is still an illusion. When the illusion wears off for her, she will most likely realize she made a mistake. In the end, both parties get hurt. In some cases, even the original friendship can be lost because of all the awkwardness afterward.

So why do men try to seduce women? In effect, for the same reason the men above who gave up on dating pay for prostitutes; they have this irrational belief that they "need" sex. A man may trick himself into believing he's "in love" with a woman he's strongly attracted to and delude himself into thinking his pursuit of her is "romantic" but all he's really doing is creating an illusion, a fantasy into which both he and the woman he pursues are ultimately drawn.

I've said it before and I'll continue to say it: sex, to me, is just another way to say, "I love you." Granted, it's the most beautiful, and intimate, way, but it's not one that's appropriate for all relationships; whether it's appropriate depends not only on how I feel but how the other person feels as well. If I'm in love with someone, of course I'll hope she might feel the same way some day but, if she doesn't, I'm happy as long as she's in my life and I'll be there for her regardless.

But I'll never try to make that happen; it either happens naturally, or it's not meant to happen at all.

That is why I don't date.

That's also why I can't say whether I'll pursue another relationship or not because that depends, not on whether I want one, but whether I ever again find myself in love with a woman who also loves me back.

So my answer is this: Yes, I'd like to be in another relationship some day but, if it never happens, so long as there are people in my life that I love and who love me back, regardless of how that love is expressed, I'll be content.

An Apology

Ideals, by definition, are one's vision of "perfect" behavior. Of course none of us are perfect; we all fall short of our ideals. That doesn't negate their purpose, however. Ideals offer us a benchmark, a goal to constantly reach for. In reaching for our ideals, one can usually manage to live up to them a majority of the time. When you do fall short of your ideals, and you realize it, you apologize, make amends and hopefully learn from that mistake.

This is the very concept upon which the Catholic Sacrament of Penance (also known colloquialy as "confession") is built. The Catholic Church recognizes that people aren't perfect, that we are all "sinners" and that we will make mistakes. The Sacrament of Penance offers one an opportunity to admit one's mistakes and confess to them. In effect, God forgives us when we have the courage to recognize our imperfections, admit to them and try to learn from them.

I'm not Catholic but I believe in God and go to Sacred Heart every Saturday to pray for the people I love. I chose a Catholic church simply because the persons I love most are Catholic. I have never participated in the Sacrament of Penance; I prefer to confess my mistakes in the open, ideally directly to the people they affect. Even my most personal mistakes I prefer to confess to people I love and trust, not a priest, therapist or counselor who does not know me.

Recently, I was guilty of a hypocrisy. I'm here to admit it and apologize.

During recent turmoil in my life, discussed at length in the pages of this blog, I frequently lamented the fact that people tended to judge me without even trying to get my side of the story. Most of these people were taking the opinion of a single individual who'd had a recent conflict with me as if that one opinion painted a complete picture of me, my life and who I am.

I know how frustrating it can be when people form opinions of you without ever even having spoken to you. That's why, ideally, I make a point of getting the other person's side of the story before I form an opinion of someone. However, recently there was someone online whom I judged unfairly without getting their side of the story.

I didn't do this deliberately; I didn't even realize I was doing it until very recently. Over the last few years, I've had many frustrations, some of which upset me to the point of affecting my judgment. That's what happened here; I ended up getting caught up in someone else's negative opinion about someone because I simply didn't have the emotional energy to investigate for myself.

Now that I'm finally clear of that former mess, however, I can look back on my own actions with a more objective eye. When I did, I was forced to realize that I was doing to this person the very thing others were doing to me that I found so frustrating: I was judging her without getting her side of the story.

I began to realize my mistake when I started reading her blog regularly. I first went there mostly to watch her reactions to my friend when he made digs at her (something he delights in doing, unfortunately). However, as I read more and more of her blog, and as she and I started exchanging E-mails (originally prompted when she wanted to discuss some comments I'd made to her blog) I began thinking, Hm. She doesn't seem anything like what I was led to believe.

I have since made a point of getting to know her, at least as much as she has been willing (her opinion of myself was also skewed by the opinion of the aforementioned individual with whom I'd had the conflict). That's when I began to realize how badly distorted my perspective of her was. As I got to know her better, I realized there was a lot more to the story than my friend's side. I should have known that but I was too blinded by my own pain at the time to see it.

Now that I have, though, I'd like to apologize publicly and for the record to "Bonobobabe." I castigated her for the way she runs her blog. Specifically, I criticized her choice to censor some comments and sometimes make the whole blog private in order to avoid my friend's comments. I thought she just didn't have the stomach to deal with the inevitable troublemakers blogging brings; I thought she should just get out of the proverbial kitchen if she couldn't stand the heat.

Although I cannot go into detail suffice it to say that, having gotten her perspective, I now understand why she did what she did. I still maintain she should open her blog up to the wider public (in my opinion, there's not much point in having a blog that isn't open to the public; the whole point of a blog is to express your ideas to society at large) but I now understand, and respect, her decision to make it private.

I'd also like to point out that I am, at this point, not on any side here. Having seen both perspectives, hers and my friend's, I feel that they both have made mistakes. I now consider them both friends. If, some day, they ever wish to try to come to some sort of understanding, I'd be happy to help them "clear the air." As someone who's heard both sides, I'm in a unique position to help; all they have to do is ask.

Even the best of us are hypocrites once in a while. To err is Human; we all make mistakes. The difference between someone who makes a mistake and a true hypocrite, however, is the person guilty of hypocrisy who refuses to admit it and apologize for their mistake.

In this situation, I was a hypocrite. I realize that now.

I apologize.