Motivations

I had a rather upsetting exchange with a friend at work today.

Like most of my friends in meatspace, he's been very supportive of me since my conflict with Riin started. Today, he was angry over the way Riin is treating me and advised me to give up trying to reach her. Then, just before I went back to work after break, he said something I've never heard anyone say about Riin before:

"She's not worth it."

I know he meant it to be supportive, but many of Riin's friends have said similar "supportive" things about me on her blog (and probably in private as well). I've said before that I don't think it's fair that they judge me on that basis of Riin's point of view alone without knowing anything about me, but the reverse is also true. I don't think it's fair that anyone judge Riin on the basis of my point of view alone, either.

Still, cutting me off completely without a single word after over two years of love and support through one of the most difficult times in her recent life seems pretty cruel, doesn't it? So why come to her defense?

Riin is not a fundamentally cruel person. In fact, she's so totally non-violent that she's even uncomfortable with the fact that I'm a fan of WWE (which, for me, is more performance art than violence). Normally, she goes out of her way to avoid hurting people, sometimes to the exclusion of her own happiness. That is the problem. Riin tries so hard not to hurt people that she tends to suppress rather than express anger, sometimes for years.

Yes, Riin does have a cruel streak. Absolutely she does. All this anger and resentment she tends to bottle up gives rise to it. She can release some anger, but in doses too small to be healthy. She's like a boiler with a hot fire and too small a bleed valve. The bleed valve releases some pressure and prevents the explosion for a time, but eventually the rising pressure exceeds the speed at which the steam can be bled off and, eventually... KABLAMMO!!!

Unfortunately, when the explosion does happen, she hurts everyone around her, particularly those closest to her, who love her the most. Not to mention the fact that she then has to pull herself together, and she won't even let the person who loved her close enough to help her pick up the pieces (I wish I could support her... :().

While I do acknowledge that Riin has had some legitimate beefs with me, I seriously doubt that the way she's behaving now has anything to do with me. I think the way she's treating me actually has it's roots in something that happened to her about a year ago: when her her best friend of 27 years left her (see this entry in her blog, fourth paragraph).

Her friend did the same thing to Riin as she is doing to me now, almost to the letter. Completely out of the blue, without any explanation, she just suddenly declared that she didn't want to be Riin's friend anymore. Riin was crushed by this, and rightfully so. I felt what her friend did was one of the cruelest things one Human being can do to another. I tried to get Riin to stand up for herself and tell her friend how she felt, but she just gave up on her.

I think what's happening now is that Riin couldn't get back at her friend for abandoning her so now, subconsciously, she's doing the same thing to me so she can feel, at least vicariously, as if she's exacted some kind of revenge for that pain.

Actually, truth be told the pain itself goes much further back in her psyche, but I can't go there. I won't reveal anything here that she hasn't already discussed on-line. However, I don't have to go into the details to make my point: I know her heart. I know her worth. All my friends are seeing is the cruelty she's subjected me to now. That doesn't mean that her recent cruelty is all she is any more than the abuses and mistakes I've put her through are all that I am.

I continue to fight for Riin Gill because the pattern you see above is one she's repeated time and time again. Sooner or later, Riin pushes away anyone who grows to love her, and she pushes them away in a way that hurts them so badly that, often times, they can't bear to come back to her for fear of being hurt again.

People don't get into my heart easily. People who find a special place in my heart have to earn that place. What Riin is doing now, as harsh as it is, does not belie the kindness and love she showed me over the past two and a half years, nor does it belie the fundamentally kind, generous and beautiful person Riin is, at her core.

Riin deserves to be loved. However, if she doesn't learn to talk things out and forgive people, she never will be because, sooner or later, even the healthiest relationships have problems. If Riin keeps throwing relationships away, she'll always be alone.

I don't want that to happen to her. The problem is, as things stand now, there may be nothing I can do to prevent it.

But, as long as my heart beats, I'm sure going to try.

---

On April 18, 2007 12:52:56 AM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

You say fundamentaly she is not cruel but later states she has a cruel streak?? What do you really mean or do you even know what you mean.

What I mean is that cruel behavior is not her normal behavior. She's a fundamentally kind person but can be cruel under certain circumstances.

We all have a dark side. We all are capable of some cruelty under the right conditions, but that does not mean that every Human being on the planet is fundamentally cruel. It's just a flaw in our nature as a species.

I think you really need a quick dose of reality and simply understand it is time to move on to bigger and better things.

So far, that's what everyone who has gotten close to her has done. Somebody has to love her enough to commit to stopping that cycle. I love her enough. I'm going to try to stop it.

Why are people so eager to give up on people nowadays, anyway? It's not just in this situation. I see it all the time. Divorces. Breakups of long-term relationships. People act like lives and relationships are like video games. If you're losing, just start the game over. Maybe that's the problem: we've developed a kind of "video game culture" where you don't have to actually commit to anyone or anything. Just start over when something doesn't go right.

Sorry, but once somebody has a piece of my heart, that's just not my nature.

Hate is a vicious word and if you keep posting about her that is what her feelings are going to turn toward you.

As far as I can tell, she's not even reading any of this, anyway. I'd like her to, but I doubt she is. At this point, I write here just to sort out my feelings.

On April 19, 2007 1:13:49 AM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

You just don't get it, do you? Your arrogant comments about how 'special' it is for someone to be let into your heart and how you are so determined that you won't give up on someone, are all about YOU. If you truly respected Riin, you would leave her alone and move on, because that's what SHE wants.

I understand, and even agree, with what you're saying. My point is, though, that most people here on line, particularly those who don't know me, continually focus on her wishes and feelings. You know, I have feelings, too, and very few people here in cyberspace seem to recognize the fact that Riin, in breaking up with me the way she's doing it, is disrespecting my feelings far more than I'm disrespecting hers.

Back when Riin and I were trying to solve our problems, we made considerable progress, thanks in no small part to a book that she found for me called The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel. Ultimately, Riin thought it was for relationships "more screwed up than ours," but I nevertheless found it very useful in understanding some elements of my own behavior, and of hers.

What originally started all this was when I tried to confront Riin with angry feelings, something which she never gave me the freedom to do (see my earlier posting, Facing Anger for more on this). Her response, and everything she's done since then, is actually outlined clearly on page 104 of Engel's book as an abusive tactic some partners will use to avoid confrontation. Here's the excerpt:

Instead of arguing, some partners will completely ignore you when you confront them about their behavior. This is itself disrespectful and abusive. In essence he is saying to you, "You're not even important enough for me to listen to or respond to." Don't let him get away with it. If he gives you the silent treatment, say, "Ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment is also emotionally abusive (or inappropriate, unacceptable, or disrespectful), and I don't appreciate it. I deserve to be heard and for my words to be honored."

That's basically what I'm trying to say here. By ignoring me and flatly refusing to even hear what I have to say, she's basically saying my feelings aren't important. It's not that I'm not willing to respect her wishes, just that if she wants me to respect her wishes, I deserve to have mine respected as well. After giving so much of myself to her, I deserve better than to be cut off completely and thrown out like a piece of garbage.

Despite that, I have been respecting Riin's wishes. If I didn't, wouldn't be writing all this stuff here. I'd be writing it to her. However, she's told me not to E-mail her, call her or post comments on her blog, so I'm respecting that. I didn't stop talking to her because I was afraid of police action. I haven't done anything wrong. I stopped solely because she wanted me to. Up to then, I honestly didn't know she actually wanted me to stop contacting her altogether.

I'm not giving up on her, but I'm not going to force my way into her personal space, either. All I'm going to do is everything possible to let her know I'm here when (and if) she's ready to talk, and I'll do anything in my power to encourage her to talk if a way that doesn't violate her wishes presents itself, but ultimately the decision to talk to me or not talk to me rests with her.

All I ask is that people remember there are two sides to this story. Riin and I both have feelings that deserve consideration.