Response to Riin's Comment

For the first time, Riin made a direct comment on her blog about me. I feel I have a right to respond to it. Although I would technically prefer to respond with a comment to her blog (since that's where it appears), I cannot as I promised I wouldn't and I'm a man of my word.

I found when I googled “stalking” the description fit what he was doing exactly.

Right after she made her accusation of stalking, I did the same search. It was the Wikipedia's entry on stalking I found most useful. When I read it, I certainly can't deny that I did do some of the things listed there. I even admitted as such in my earlier posting, Tactical Alert.

However, one thing that article said that caught my attention was: "the perpetrator may or may not have malicious intent."

IMHO, if a person genuinely does not have any malicious intent, then he or she is not a "stalker." Myself, I was simply making every effort, in a bad situation, to try to communicate with someone I love. I don't think it's fair to lump good people who are simply making an effort to reach someone they love to work things out as "stalkers." I explain my position on that in my earlier posting, No Justice.

Riin has a tendency, the moment she sees something in print, to immediately take it as fact and take the information completely out of context without considering the bigger picture. In this case, she's talking about someone (me) who has no criminal record of any kind. There's a reason I don't have a criminal record: I have never hurt anyone. For someone to slap a label like "stalker" on me just because some website told them to is just crazy.

I think what she's really doing here is leveraging the "stalker" label just to get her way.

I’m now very glad he lives very far away. I finally told him to stop calling me, emailing me and leaving comments on my blog (he was doing all three frequently and you didn’t even see the nauseatingly mushy comments I deleted) . . .

Again, I already described how "frequently" I called and E-mailed her in my earlier posting. Anyone who'd like to see the actual correspondence is still welcome to see it. Just ask. I have nothing to hide.

When I first read "very glad he lives very far away," I thought for a moment that Riin was afraid of me. It's possible she might well be, but having known her for three years, the next part of what she says strongly suggests otherwise when she comments on the "nauseatingly mushy comments" I made (incidentally, she used to love comments like that). From what I know of Riin, that sounds more like anger than fear.

That being said, I personally think that's what all this is really about. She's angry, and when she gets angry, she gets unreasonable, not to mention irrational. For example, threatening to call the police on someone 2500 km away who hasn't made any threats and has no criminal record is just ludicrous. The police would probably just laugh her right off the phone, and rightfully so.

I had a genuine online stalker once years ago. He was making veiled threats, but the police weren't able to do a thing because I hadn't saved any of the "threatening" correspondence. The only piece of correspondence I did save was a message he "mail bombed" me with (he sent 37,000 duplicates of it to my E-mail account). However, since that message merely said "I love you," the police could not consider it a threat and could do nothing.

Even if Riin saved every word of my correspondence, I have not made any threats. The police would undoubtedly tell her the same thing they told me in my situation.

I stopped contacting her not because I was afraid of police involvement but because I want to respect her wishes. Until then, she hadn't told me not to contact her. In fact, although she offered no hope of rekindling our original relationship, she did say that we would probably eventually be friends again. She didn't "slam the door" on me until later when she sent me that threat, which came as a complete surprise.

This isn't about me being a stalker. This is about Riin being angry and not wanting to have to deal with me. It's the same thing she's done to many people before me. When she's angry, she doesn't care how the other person feels. All that matters is how she feels and she doesn't care how hard she stomps on someones heart so long as she gets her point across.

So why don't I give up? Because I know why she's doing that. I know her history. I know where her pain is coming from. I know she doesn't really want to hurt anyone. She's just tired of hurting herself, so she pushes away people who love her because it's too painful for her to deal with when things get rough. When things are rough, love is painful and she doesn't want to deal with it.

The problem with that is, though, is that she ends up hurting the people who love her along the way...

He’s probably still hoping I’ll “come to my senses some day” or some stupid crap. I came to my senses when I finally got up enough strength to dump him.

Partially true. I think, one day, she will start to miss what we had but, like she did when she first fell in love with me, she'll suppress those feelings. So, will she "come to her senses?" Probably not. Not on her own, anyway and, unfortunately, right now there's no one there who can help her see the other side of the equation.

So right now, unless fate intervenes, things are not likely to change.

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On April 3rd at 10:22 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

You don't seem to be a monster or a stalker . . .

I'm glad you recognize that because that means I've been explaining myself well.

. . . however you picture looks scary!

LOL! Geez... most people think I look sad in that picture. Riin herself, in our happier days, said that I looked like "part of my soul was missing" in that picture.

[B]ased on her comments on her blog she looks like she is turning her back on some if not all the good times shared with you in the past. To give up this easy is fishy! Something is going on . . .

You're not the first person to think there's something she's not telling me. I agree. Most people think she's found someone else. I don't think that's it. I'm not saying it's not possible, but we were polyamorous, so she could have pursued, even had, someone else without ever having to leave me. Besides, if she did have someone else, she probably would have mentioned it on her blog by now. I suspect there's something else I don't know about here...

[S]he should be ashamed how she threw away something that seemed so good so easy wihtout any remorse.

Well, in all fairness to her, we don't really know if she's experiencing any remorse. Just because she's putting up an angry, brave front on her blog doesn't mean she isn't feeling some remorse privately. If she is, she'd probably never admit it because to do so would be to admit that she might be making a mistake and, if Riin has one big fault, it's a difficulty in admitting when she's wrong...

If I had to guess based on what I know of her, she probably is feeling at least some remorse (we had a lot of good times... she wouldn't be Human if she didn't feel at least a little regret) but, as I've mentioned before, she's probably denying it to herself, just as she denied her love for me in the beginning.

I dated a few guys in my life and parted ways either by my decision or theirs but at least we remained friends! In this case she is not giving you the time or day and is labelling you as a stalker per sey!

Exactly. The least she could do, after nearly three years together, is talk to me. Instead, she's decided to leverage society's paranoia with stalkers to get her way without having to have a rational, adult discussion with me about what's really bothering her.

The problem with that is, if you've ever tried doing a Google search on "stalker," you'll find that the advice most often given to victims of stalking is to cut all ties with the stalker and offer no explanation, which is exactly what she's doing. Personally, I think Riin needed to convince herself I am a stalker so she could justify cutting me off at the knees without making herself look like the bad guy.

That's my theory, anyway.

She deserves not to speak about or too you in the future! Shame on her...

I appreciate your support but, in all fairness, I don't believe that Riin deserves such a harsh admonishment.

There are some who have been following my story here that actually agree with Riin that I am a stalker. I feel that their assessment is unfair insofar as they're passing judgment on me on the basis of this one event in my life without knowing anything else about me. They don't know anything about the relationship. They don't know anything about the circumstances under which it ended. It's not fair to judge if you haven't been in the other person's shoes.

That door swings both ways. I don't think it's fair for anyone to judge Riin until they've walked in her shoes (or sandals in her case), either. Take it from me. I've seen her heart. She is not a monster any more than I am. Please, don't judge her too harshly. She's just tired of hurting, and, right or wrong, she's just doing the only thing she knows how to stop the pain.

Remember: I wouldn't be so determined to reach her if she really was the monster she's appeared to be this past month...

On April 4th at 9:12 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

Have you ever thought she might of gone back to her husband?

No. That's not possible. Trust me on that.

Honstly, I wish she could, though. I never wanted her to leave him in the first place.

On April 4th at 9:18 PM ADT, Anonymous wrote:

Riin is so cute . . .

I would have said beautiful. Potayto, potahto, I suppose.

. . . and you are one ugly dude.

Well, that was uncharitable and immature. Still, you didn't call me childish names (as one other commenter insists upon doing) so I'll allow it.

What in Gods name did she see in you? It can't be money because you spend every dime on yourself so maybe she is blind as you are.

Spent every dime on myself? Where did you get that idea?

Maybe you'd better read this earlier posting before you pass judgment on where I spend my money...